Broken News: Protest banners usher in new era of peace, prosperity

The protest banner many are saying ushered in a new era of global action and political responsibility

NEW YORK—In what has been a surprising addendum to last week's G20 summit in Pittsburgh, many of the Presidents and Prime Ministers who attended the global forum gathered today at the UN to announce that for once they were going to act on all the promises that were made and start making serious progress towards reforming many of society’s ills. But what was most surprising about today’s events was the reason these dignitaries and leaders gave for deciding to finally make that change: the widespread protests, riots, and demonstrations that again accompanied a gathering of the world’s elite.

“I think it was when I saw that large banner unfurled on one of Pittsburgh’s many bridges,” observed Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, referring to the Danger: Climate Destruction Ahead sign hung by Greenpeace. “I mean sure, we all knew that climate change was a serious issue. But when the problem was so succinctly summarized in a sarcastic banner made to look like a warning label, it was then I knew that action needed to be taken.”

“Plus,” he added, as other leaders nodded in agreement. “I’m a big fan of bridge rappelling as a device for social and economic change.”

It was at this point that others stepped forward to tell what protest moment had personally touched them.

“For me, it was when I saw a guy wearing a black mask and looking like he just got out of ska band practice wave around a sign that said 'Abolish Money',” said German Prime Minister Andrea Merkel. “Instead of thinking it was perhaps the most sad and pathetic thing I’d ever seen or how the man probably had his parents buy him a plane ticket and drive him from his upper class suburban residence to the airport to be able to come here and protest, I thought about how we had failed to make economic fairness a big enough priority. Thank you, Abolish Money guy, we just never thought of it before.”

Prime Minister Merkel's sentiments were common amongst the world leaders. Several confessed that many of the placards, banners, and angry chants contained ideas that no one in government at any level had ever thought to consider before.

“I mean, ‘Don’t bailout fat cats’?” an exasperated Gordon Brown of the UK asked. “It had just never occurred to me! Brilliant! Same goes for the suggestions that we increase regulation and oversight. I mentioned it to President Obama and he seemed dumbstruck. Furthermore, as we’re finding out, it seems that getting these new laws enacted and passed is a relatively simple matter, seeing as there are no competing political ideologies within our countries, nor any feuding economic or social interests with our legislators in their pockets.”

“Unbelievable,” Brown said, laughing as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized all of this. “Governing really is as easy as all these protesters seem to believe it is.”

For others, it was the violence of the weekend that made the greatest difference.

“When I saw how willing the protesters were to bust out the windows of an Arby’s, recklessly destroy property, and deliberately provoke and attack police, I knew they were serious about their beliefs,” said Prime Minister Recep Erdogan of Turkey, still clearly moved by the events.

“I mean sure, some cynical people might say they were just selfish egotists deliberately destroying things and getting themselves arrested in order to head back to their liberal arts colleges and talk about ‘how real shit got at the G20’ to their classmates. Or that their naive and dimwitted political philosophies wouldn’t be fit to run a country larger than a parking lot grilled cheese stand at a Phish concert, but I know differently. I saw the Arby’s storefront."

Added Erdogan, "With my own two eyes, man.”

The press conference ended when one reporter asked if the G20 would be bringing in some of the protest leaders to help formulate policies and strategies and the world leaders, bursting at the seams, broke out into what seemed to be long contained and stifled laughter.

“Fuck no,” cried out Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. “It was all useless posturing that changed nothing. The world is a complicated place and it’s difficult to get things changed on a large enough scale when you don’t have half-wits outside getting tear gassed while you make an honest attempt to do so. We suggest they all grow up.”

President Obama smiled and pointed to the assembled media “God, ‘protests changing something’” he guffawed. “Admit it, we totally had you fooled. I can’t believe you bought that bullshit. Now if you’ll excuse all of us, we have to go run the world according to the way it really works. Which is almost too depressing to think about. Fuck off.”