Broken News: Minutes from top secret Congressional/White House health care negotiations

Unbeknownst to many, in advance of his health care speech, President Obama gathered together various leaders from the House and Senate in a last ditch effort to hammer out some sort of consensus on health care. What follows are minutes from the top secret meeting, presented here unedited.

While no Bothans died to bring us this information, one Senate staffer was beaten with a sack of frozen oranges and, in a related event, three lobbyists had their mouths filled with quick-dry cement.

3:59PM—Members of the various leadership groups and key health care players from the Republican and Democratic parties file in.

4:02PM—Grumbling immediately begins as the Republican group, led by House Minority Leader John Boehner, professes unhappiness with what they see as a comfort disparity between the chairs provided to each political party. Despite assurances that all chairs are the same make and model, Boehner threatens a walkout. A premature and calamitous end to the meeting is averted when Democrats agree to a compromise: Montana Senator Jon Tester will be forced to stand for the duration of the negotiations and NY Representative Charlie Rangel will sit on the lap of Vice-President Joe Biden.

4:27PM—Amid cries from several members of both parties that they had not eaten in “1-2 hours, tops” and that they were “fuckin’ starvin’ over here”, the group starts begins what is expected to be the most taught and fractious negotiations of the night: what to order for dinner. Working under guidelines from the President mandating, “There is no way I am ordering from four different goddamn places,” negotiations begin.

4:31PM—After a heated declaration from Arizona Senator John McCain that under no circumstances will he ever eat Asian food again, honoring a vow he made while imprisoned in Vietnam, the Chinese menu is quietly removed from the table.

4:55PM—A surprisingly quick accord is reached as Virginia Representative Eric Cantor and Virginia Senator Jim Webb both note that nearby Shakey’s Pizza not only features a wide array of Italian foods, but also includes Mexican items, as well as varied sandwiches, burgers, appetizers, and hot wings with 12 varieties of sauce. Orders are placed and, in a landmark sign of bipartisanship, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agree to split an order of Shakey’s famous Gravy Cheese Jalapeño Explosion Fries.

5:30PM—The food arrives and is paid for in a private ceremony involving White House photographers, an elaborate Roman-columned stage, and several different ceremonial pens for the official “Signing of the White House Petty Cash Reimbursement Slip.” During the ceremony McCain thanks his colleagues for not making him eat the food “of the people that kind of look like the people I despise so much.”

5:44PM—Pelosi and McConnell share their fries to the applause of onlookers. Tester complains that his feet hurt and that he didn’t get the extra capicola he ordered on his Italian sub. During a break in the conversation Oregon Senator Ron Wyden openly asks if they could “stop dicking around and get to work on health care." After a round of jeers, the room breaks out in laughter as Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa and Georgia Rep. Jack Kingston simultaneously call Wyden a “homo.”

6:11PM—The Rangel-muffled voice of Joe Biden echoes out as he states that everyone seems to be finished eating and that they better let Wyden speak before he, "Gets all weepy and shit again, like a little bitch.”

6:28PM—Wyden completes his run-through of his Healthy Americans Act, a health care bill that, if passed, would actually reform the health care system while drastically expanding coverage. He notes that the Congressional Budget Office has run projections showing the bill would be revenue-neutral two years after implementation and begin reducing health care costs thereafter.

6:33PM—Laughter subsides as a weeping Wyden runs from the room. Someone sarcastically yells out “single payer” and a small riot ensues. Mississippi Rep. Roy Blunt calls a staffer and asks him to bring over new pants after he wets himself when Harry Reid sarcastically suggests, “Medicare for all.”

7:39PM—After different members take to reading out other serious health care reform plans in lilting, girly voices, an angry Max Baucus taps his watch impatiently and notes that, “It’s almost time for So You Think You Can Dance” and "It'll be a cold day in hell before I miss my show."

7:40PM—An exhausted Jon Tester passes out onto the floor. No one seems to notice.

7:44PM—The assembled agree to follow Senate Plan 3B on negotiations. According to Robert’s Rules of Order, this requires them to, “verily fuck around for a fortnight before ultimately passing legislation that helps few, annoys all, and tosses large burlap sacks of gold Hessian bullion at the reigning industrial elite.”

7:45PM—The meeting ends as a frantic Max Baucus runs from the room screeching about how he should have bought a Tivo.

8:12PM—Sen. McCain wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming "Sarah who?"