Broken In Brief: Area man tricked by time travel aspect of romantic drama

CHICAGO—“Oh God! This is just a fuckin’ existential metaphor for love, loss, and time in failed relationships,” said an exasperated Tommy Flanagan, nearly an hour into a screening of the piece-of-shit movie The Time Traveler’s Wife, which he attended with his lying girlfriend of five months. “This son of a bitch isn’t going to travel back to kill Hitler, see baby Jesus, or forward to witness any horrible events that he must stop. This is just a fuckin' chick flick!”

Flanagan, a claims adjuster from Lakeview who busts his fucking ass for his hard earned money, had agreed to see the goddamn Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams film, a fuckin’ love story which explores determinism and free will through the bullshit use of time travel, on the grounds that he thought it would be a "fuckin’ badass science fiction flick like Back to the Future" or "motherfuckin’ Timecop."

As the poor bastard slowly became wise to the totally gay bullshit romantic horror unfolding on the screen in front of him, as well as all the money he had just thrown away on this goddamn film, he totally felt like he had been kicked in the balls several times. He then reportedly placed his thin hopes on the remote possibility that this shitshow would turn into a thriller where the the gay-ass husband would have to hunt down people who murder his whining wife… through time.

When this didn’t happen, Flanagan was overheard to say to his girlfriend that “she fuckin’ owed him, like big time” and that they were going to be seeing Gerard Butler’s Gamer, a fucking badass movie about future war video games that use real people as characters, “at least 3 or 4 fuckin’ times.”

As a disappointed male audience filed out solemnly next to their spouses and girlfriends, muttering bitterly about the lack of any flying Deloreans, several supporting murmurs of “I heard that” as well as thumbs up of solidarity were thrown Mr. Flanagan’s way. They were of little comfort to the distraught man.