Broken In Brief: North Korea threatens retaliation if not awarded 2016 Olympics

PYONGYANG--Presumably in reaction to President Obama's personal appeal to International Olympic Committee members in Denmark this week, the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea, or, MYNUTS, held a press conference earlier today entailing the rouge state's new charm offensive aimed at convincing the IOC to award the 2016 Olympic games to the failed state.

"As we have clarified with repeat on occasion of many numbers, we justified urge the west to cease its monopoly over the athletic contests of athleticism and reward our great land with honor games of compete," proclaimed the unnamed press official, who went on to threaten unnamed aggressors with "Death, embarrassment, great fire, death, deathly fire, and embarrassing death," should the games not be held in North Korea.

As a group of generals and bureaucrats acted out a proposed opening games ceremony that the Dear Leader had sketched out on a napkin at breakfast that very morning, the unnamed press official yelled out "You gave one to South Korea!" before one of the generals informed the assembled press that the man would be holding his breath until such a time as the games were awarded to North Korea.

According to IOC spokesperson Jhavid Helal, the organization has never never received any manner of request for consideration from North Korea. Helal then quickly added, "Not that we could really consider it, on account of the whole 'international economic sanctions/death squad/that crazy four-foot pile of jerky running the country' thing."

Despite being met with what can best be described as laughter and derision by the rest of the world, North Korea continued to press its case to the media. Citing its "Giant throwermen of the people's javelin", "half-dolphin competition swimmers", "expert sliding on water path of many twists", and "one-soldier 1600 meter relay team," the isolationist nation persisted in shouting its empty, seemingly drunken threats at what had rapidly become an empty room.