Bad news is good news again!

Open up the tin of beans you were saving, drink the bottled water you stole and hoarded, and put down that bindle: bad news about the economy is good news again! What's the great news this time? GDP shrunk 0.7%! Happy days are here again! Everything is fixed! Cha-ching! High fives all around!

The American economy performed better than expected this spring, contracting at its slowest pace in a year, the government reported on Wednesday. The report offered more evidence that the recession probably ended this summer, and that the economy would now grow through the end of the year.

The Commerce Department reported that the gross domestic product — a billboard number that tallies the country’s economic output — shrank by an annual rate of 0.7 percent from April through June, a revision from earlier estimates of a 1 percent contraction.

The numbers for the second quarter appeared to get a lift from the government’s $787 billion stimulus package. Federal, state and local governments spent more, and business spending on equipment and software was better than first reported. Military spending rose, and American exports posted a narrower drop than imports, a balance that lifts the government’s G.D.P. figures. Economists were heartened by the final revisions after an earlier adjustment found no change in the pace of contraction in the second quarter.

Socialism bitches~! It turned our thousand mile per hour nosedive into a canyon floor into a more graceful 3/4 twisting pike off a high rise, it's has heartened economists, and it has set us up for a theoretical third quarter rebound. Theoretical rebounds baby! Just spend that money already, theoretical money is just as good as the real thing. The economy is back! On paper.

Still if the rotten negative fuckers, who are trying to totally ruin our celebration, must harp on one thing, it's the small matter of the economy still doing that whole "not producing any jobs" thing. To them I say: we just went through a massive economic boom period which didn't actually improve the lives or wages of Americans, doesn't it make sense to go through the recovery period of the recession that followed that phony boom without creating jobs for anyone? Think logically.

So, you know, while you're fighting other unemployed Americans for that roadkill possum on the highway, forming the hobo hierarchy that will rule your tent city, and explaining to the children who have been born post-financial apocalypse all the Mad Max references you and your fellow homeless citizens are making, remember to celebrate about how the US economy is back. Celebrate with confetti and streamers and shit.