Stay classy, Stevesy

Steve King (R-IA), sometimes know as the House GOP's other crazy congressman named King, hates his ass some IRS. And who could disagree with him. I mean they just take our money and give it to the government to spend on things like roads, defense, and other such things a government does. Who came up with this idea? The IRS sucks! Also the DMV is slow and why can't the airlines give us a bigger bag of peanuts, amirite?

But considering that whole thing where a fringe lunatic rammed his airplane into an IRS building in a bloody, fiery explosion of short-sighted, petty, and murderous spite, you'd think that maybe a certain IRS hating congressman would want to tone down his rhetoric just a tad. Well, that's why you don't have the smarts to get elected in Iowa's 5th District.

KING: I think if we’d abolished the IRS back when I first advocated it, he wouldn’t have a target for his airplane. ... It’s sad the incident in Texas happened, but by the same token, it’s an agency that is unnecessary and when the day comes when that is over and we abolish the IRS, it’s going to be a happy day for America.

TP: So some of his grievances were legitimate?

KING: I don’t know if his grievances were legitimate, I’ve read part of the material. I can tell you I’ve been audited by the IRS and I’ve had the sense of ‘why is the IRS in my kitchen.’ Why do they have their thumb in the middle of my back.

It's sad and all, but he sympathizes with a terrorist. The IRS, who do they think they are investigating discrepancies in tax filings?

But while someone might think that saying something like that while bodies and a building are still smoldering is a touch indelicate, isn't smart, and that staffers somewhere would be imminently yelling at their boss to just shut the fuck up already, well, again, that's why he's in the House and you're sitting there in your house.

During his closing remarks [at CPAC], King veered into a complaint about high taxes, and said he could "empathize" with the man who flew a plane into an IRS building last week.

During the question and answer session, the Media Matters staffer asked King to clarify his comment, reminding him of his sworn duty to protect the American people from all sworn enemies, foreign and domestic. In response, said the staffer, King gave a long and convoluted answer about having been personally audited by the IRS, and ended by saying he intended to hold a fundraiser to help people "implode" their local IRS office.

Don't you understand that this man was audited! Audited! A US Congressman, one of the most honest subset of people of earth. On earth! That's why we need to implode the IRS. Implode, which I'll note is a totally classy suggestion and not at all as offensive as using the word explode.

So congrats to Iowa's Steve King. You took a right wing terrorist attack against the government that resulted in dead Americans and tried to spin it into right wing street cred by repeatedly announcing your empathy for a terrorist, announcing how you sympathized with his motives (I still can't get over the fucking gall of that audit), and noting how you wanted to organize citizens to take further action against the IRS, though probably not with airplane attacks. How nicely offensive of you. The IRS sucks, don't let any terrorist attack, basic human decency, tact, or common sense momentarily sway you from that crusade. Stay classy.

Broken News: ABC claims credit for terrorist attack that exposed public to new, virulent strain of Kelsey Grammer sitcom

NEW YORK—In the wake of last Wednesday's terrorist attack on the American public that critics have labeled “awful”, “tremendously unfunny”, and “beyond the pale of human decency”, the American Broadcasting Company has stepped forward to claim credit for the dastardly assault. ABC gleefully informed a beleaguered populace that it was the one responsible for greenlighting and airing the new Kelsey Grammer sitcom Hank.

The sitcom, which was concocted, incubated, produced, filmed, and released from a secret facility inside of Burbank, California, was initially thought just to be the product of a diseased mind and an empty threat that ABC didn't have the stones to unleash on the public at large. But after the public did not heed ABC’s initial demands that new shows Cougar Town and The Middle debut and maintain an audience of over 4 million viewers, the network announced it would expose America to what it called “the most virulent form of Kelsey Grammer sitcom that science could possibly create.”

“You failed to heed our demands, America. Now you see that we mean business. Now you know the kind of people you’re dealing with,” said ABC President Steve McPherson, in a taped message he released to al Jazeera. “Be fully aware that unless we see improvements on the Cougar Town numbers and sufficient premiere numbers for the return of Lost, we are more than prepared to air a second episode of Hank.”

He then paused to cackle, his laughs echoing off the cave wall behind him, “Rest assured, we have fully edited and locked twelve episodes of this program already, with the full intention of completing a full season order of 24. You cannot escape our reach. You cannot escape Hank.”

Doctors for the Center for Disease Control have advised against anyone who either witnessed the premiere and survived or heard it from another room and merely need emergency medical attention from describing the contents of the show, repeating any of the so-called "jokes," or explaining the plot, lest more damage from this terrorist act be spread out into the populace. The CDC has however released a preliminary outline of the premise, with instructions that those who hear it should seek medical help if it starts to make them sick.

“Yes, it seems the premise is just a basic ‘rich man is made poor and has to return to his wacky old hometown’ scenario,” said Dr. Harold Lao, the CDC chief medical officer heading up the response team to the attack. “The one difference is that Hank seems to have been made with no concern for humor, creativity, or with the thought that any conceivable age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or demographic would find it amusing.”

Dr. Lao paused, a cold shiver running up his spine, “I’ve seen some horrible shit, but this…..this was awful. Just awful.”

Those within the CDC say this attack was expertly designed; using the American public’s built up goodwill for Grammer’s Dr. Frasier Crane character from Cheers and Frasier to serve as the method for the attack. Clean-up crews report that in the terrorist attacks’ initial stages, people were lulled into a false sense of security by Grammer, then became increasingly horrified as they realized the show’s ‘rich man no rich no mo’ premise was going to be teased out for an excruciating 30 minutes.

However, experts say the real damage and destruction to America’s psyche came when it dawned on viewers that this hackneyed idea was not only supposed to sustain an entire season’s worth of shows, but ideally 5 to 10 additional seasons followed by eventual syndication.

“They just couldn’t take it, bless them, they just couldn’t take it,” observed a weeping Dr. Lao, the total number of dead unknown as of press time.

The scale and depravity of the attack has caused survivors and victims’ families to petition the government for swift action hunting down and destroying the rogue network and its appalling sitcom star. But despite a pledge from President Obama to “hunt these vile perverts to the ends of the earth and exterminate them for their transgressions against the United States”, there is little hope that Grammer or McPherson will be apprehended or killed in time. Though some aren't convinced of Grammer's guilt.

“I can only hope that we can rescue Mr. Grammer safely, that is if he's not dead already” observed FBI special investigator Don McCourt, credited by many as the man who tracked and apprehended the makers of Joey after their 46 episode war on decency. “Poor guy is probably a patsy. They're probably holding his family hostage in order to make him do it. God knows he doesn’t need the money. I just think it’s best we remember Frasier Crane and Sideshow Bob, not the twisted monstrosity they've turned him into.”

“McPherson,” he spat out, the contempt in his voice palpable. “That’s the guy we have to track down.”

But as terrorist mastermind McPherson’s threats of more episodes, spinoffs, HD broadcasts, repeats, and online simulcasts paralyze a fearful and traumatized nation, thoughts have turned to coping with the destruction that has already been wrought.

“30 Rock,” said Dr. Lao, kissing a stack of the show’s DVD’s that he was hugging to his chest. “Thank God 30 Rock is coming back. It's gonna get a lot of us through this.”

Broken News: Loud mouthed blowhard wins argument, the internet

NEW YORK—Today Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau, widely credited with the invention of the World Wide Web, gathered together with members of CERN, MIT, and DARPA to formally announce that not only were they ruling that blogger Ted King had thoroughly won an inter-blog argument, but that he had won it so definitively that they were awarding him the entirety of the internet as a prize.

“Today we are proud to announce that Mr. King, more widely known as HardK0R3 on his blog the L33T Pit, has so thoroughly impressed us with his forensic word pugilism that we have decided to award him the World Wide Web as a token of gratitude for all that he has done with our creation,” Mr. Berners-Lee said, his words practically drowning in sarcasm. “I think it was the point at which you called everyone who disagreed with you ‘fags’ who were ‘totally gay’ that we all welled up with pride over the implementation of our creation. Therefore, take the internet. Take the whole bloody, goddamned thing. It’s useless now.”

While Mr. King wasn’t immediately available to accept the prize, he must have undoubtedly been ecstatic over having won the internet courtesy of his much Dugg Summer movie treatise, “The new Star Trek totally owns it hardcore over that old gay shit and also anyone who liked Funny People is a total homo.”

While no one stepped up to officially speak for Mr. King, site commenters were there to point out that those gay British boy touchers were all lucky that HardK0R3 didn’t fly over to foggy Londontown and shit to take their precious internet from them by force. Also noting that science was gay, they were having sex with the mothers of all the people who disagreed with them, and that it was about fucking time that someone recognized how badass and shit the L33T Pit was.

As to why the scientific elite was turning over possession of the World Wide Web to a group of people most would charitably describe as clinically retarded, those making the final decision were incredulous that anyone would question their wisdom.

“Uh, hello,” said Mr. Cailliau, disdain covering his face. “I think you saw why in the little response the *shudder* L33t Pit gave. This kind of shit is not what we intended the internet to be used for. It’s full of self absorbed idiots, mongoloid teenagers, cat pictures, and pornography that disgusts even the Germans and Japanese. Germans, for Christ’s sake! That’s it; we’re washing our hands of it. You all have broken it. Fuck off!”

As for future plans, those close to the scientific elite are tight-lipped, fearing that the great unwashed masses will find a way to taint their new project.

Preliminary reports suggest that after CERN hands over the keys to the internet to Mr. King, they will wait until it is rammed completely into the ground and rendered a smoldering pile of fucked-to-death orangutan shit. Then, while humanity gawks at the wreckage they have created, Mr. Berners-Lee and CERN plan to unveil an all new internet that improves upon the failures of the old one.

“Well for one thing, there’s going to be a goddamned IQ test before you’re allowed to communicate with others on it,” said Dr. Francois Repard, who is working on the design team for the new internet.

“Secondly, those wishing to launch new web pages will have to submit a proposal outlining its aims and its benefit to the public at large. Thirdly, if you post up one picture of a cat with a misspelled phrase superimposed on it, we’ll throw you in The Hague and fuck you with knives. We have no intention whatsoever of making the same mistakes over again.”

But those plans are a ways off, as statisticians surmise that the first internet will not collapse under the ‘inmates running the asylum’ weight of its own bullshit for a few months. Until then scientists are content to sit back, laugh, and revel in the destruction that the world has brought upon itself.

“Serves them right,” Mr. Berners-Lee scoffed. “Mucking up my beautiful creation. I used to feel pride when I thought about the internet. Now....only shame. LOLcats, BAH! The new Star Trek was better than the old one? That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever heard.”

Culinary wizardry

Butter balls: it's not just a nickname the longshoremen gave Sean

Do you see what Texas gets up to when we leave it alone for a few seconds to deal with a flaming California?

Deep fried butter is among eight creative treats available at the Texas State Fair. “100 percent pure butter is whipped 'til light and fluffy, then specially sweetened with a choice of several flavors.” It is then surrounded by a “special dough” and quick-fried.

That's it Texas, you're so close. You've almost figured out a way to kill yourselves with food. I would have thought putting a gun in your mouth would be quicker, but you guys like it slow and painful. It's funny, you eat like a people who are going to need expensive end of life care, but you vote to oppose better health coverage and palliative care. Ah well, at least you decided to make your irony taste buttery instead of bitter.

Broken News: Horrible creature plans to shit out romantic comedy into movie theaters

HOLLYWOOD—In what can only be considered a terroristic threat against decency and quality, screenwriter/director David Holkins has announced that he has recently completed the script for a new romantic comedy that he fully intends to film and then distribute at theaters nationwide. The project, tentatively titled Love Can Happen, threatens to shake the foundations of countless couples, decimating naive male suitors and over-expectant females across the nation, courtesy of a "can't miss" mass-marketing campaign.

“I think this is going to be my best one yet,” gushed the human wasteland, oblivious to the mental hell he will thrust upon an unsuspecting populace.

“I spent a lot of time trying to find the right mix of romance and comedy, heart and humour,” lied the twisted creature, pretending he didn't just spend two eight-hour days trafficking in 'men like boobies and sports, women like shopping and fashion' stereotypes.

The brain vandal seemed unaware that he simply plugs these tropes into the same basic six-decade-old outline designed to ensure that the main points anyone takes away from his films are that you either have to subsume your own interests and identity in order to get married, or you have to break the spirit of the other person in order to build them back into someone you can actually love.

Holkins, twisted wretch that he is, first came to prominence as the writer of 2001's hit Made for You, in which a work-a-holic advertising rep for a Madison Avenue firm was wooed by a carefree slacker-type dolphin trainer after a chance encounter at a novelty knitting shop. The detestable cretin followed this abomination with back-to-back favorites, Didn't Plan for This and Dancing Fools. Both centered on wedding planners so immersed in their careers that they never found time for love, but were shaken out of their complacency by carefree rogues who taught them the true meaning of love and, in the case of Dancing Fools, the Tango.

"We couldn't be more excited to begin production," said Frank Gaston, executive producer on all of Holkins' films, who if not an active force for evil is at the very least willingly complicit in the unsolicited anal rape of the human soul. "Casting has already started and we hope to land Matthew McConaughey for the main male character of Matthew McConaughey. We're also in talks with Jennifer Aniston's people to see if she's interested in playing the part of Jennifer Aniston. We believe that these are the parts each was born to play, mostly because these are the parts they've been playing for the last decade."

After primary casting has concluded, Gaston will move to fill the supporting roles of "dead inside, unlikeable shrew best friend", "irrepressible, foul-mouthed poonhound best brah", "gay-as-Christmas boss", "slapstick ethnic neighbor", and "implausibly evil rival male and/or female romantic interest." Hopes are high that the project will attract hot new character actors who not only need the money, but are able to convince themselves that because they don't star in the film, not appear on any posters, they aren't actually contributing to all that is wrong with the world while irrevocable damaging their careers.

The attention of these soulless intellectual SARS infections will then turn to finding the improbably nice neighborhoods, houses, jobsites, offices, cars, housewares, electronics, and clothes that will invariably and inexplicably populate the lives of people with seemingly middle-class jobs and resumes.

"Just think, if we can land Matthew and Jennifer... BOOM... there's our Grant and Hepburn," gushed the witless wonder, showing a complete lack of regard for film history, romantic chemistry, or acting while in the same breath denigrating the memories and careers of long-dead stars who must now be perpetually spinning in their earthen tombs.

While the film has yet to even begin production, executives plan to make it a centerpiece of their Fall 2010 schedule.

"Oh, we're going big with this. You'll be seeing the fucking ads on the backs of your eyelids," said Gerald Eastman, VP of Marketing at Columbia Pictures, avowed hellspawn, and mortal enemy of quality. "Some thought we couldn't sink any lower than we did with that Ugly Truth brain rape, but that magnificent bastard Holkins gave us another chance to inflict permanent damage on actual relationships while crippling the basic concept of what a relationship should even be. The beauty is, killing relationships and ruining lives only increases the size of our key demographic!"

Columbia has already shuffled its fall 2010 release schedule to make Love Can Happen the seasonal centerpiece, along with Untitled Unfunny Jack Black Comedy, Untitled Non-Pixar-Related CG Animal Movie, Untitled Unnecessary Remake, and Untitled Piece-of-Shit Adaptation of 80's Toy Line. In fact, to free up funding for Holkins' cinematic stillbirth, Columbia has canceled pre-production on projects by P.T. Anderson, David Fincher, and Darren Aronofsky.

"I'm just happy that I was given this gift, this ability to delight, entertain and truly touch so many people with my work," said the cretin in perhaps some new form of cruel satire or, more likely, delusional ramblings from an intellectually and creatively bankrupt monster who is ignorant of his crimes against art. "I just can't wait for everyone to see what I've been pouring my heart into. I want to show them that, well, Love Can Happen!"