Broken News: Inspiring Athlete From Somewhere or Another Inspires Inspirationally

VANCOUVER—Today the sporting world and television audiences worldwide sat rapt in awe at the admirable story of an athlete in some kind of sport and of indeterminate gender somehow overcame a not small form of hardship and/or difficulty in order to compete in the Olympics.

“I am astounded by this man or woman and the immense personal, professional, social, or health struggles he or she has gone through just to be here and compete at the top of some field,” a smiling Bob Costas exclaimed, his eyes welling up with tears and his soul filling up with wonderment.

“I think the American people, nay the world, or at least the audience within the broadcast scope of NBC/Universal and its cable partners, should be made aware of this stunning insight into the drives and desires within the indefatigable human spirit to almost the same degree with which we cover their sport.”

Other broadcasters, newsmen, and network heads covering the games were in agreement.

“This athlete here,” said Ivan Fecan, CEO of Canadian broadcaster CTV, waving his hand generally at the Olympic village, “has shown us how to overcome perhaps an illness, an illness to a close family member or friend, an injury, either random or as a result of training, maybe the low sponsorship and monetary opportunities available in their sport of choice, the extreme poverty or societal hardships within their own country or the country they claim nationality in while they train in Europe or North America, age, gender, or perhaps a complete unfamiliarity with the sport that they have inexplicably qualified for.”

“We are certain of one thing: this person is probably not an American,” Fecan finished.

Indeed, several journalists who were covering the story of this inspirationally inspirational competitor were almost certain that it wasn’t an American. Probably.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure an accent was involved,” observed long-time reporter for the London Times, Roger Atkinson. “I can almost assure you that the dialect being spoken involved an accent that practically assured the remarkable individual in question was from a poverty-stricken nation, possibly Africa, which all but makes it certain that this story is about overcoming poverty, lack of winter weather, and no viable economy, much less the infrastructure required to train properly.”

During the accolades, Atkinson did offer a caveat: ”Unless it was one of those rich kids who learned to ski while their diplomat father was stationed at a Swiss ski chalet. But even then, we just play up the Africa or poor Eastern Europe thing and it’s still golden, unlike this person’s inevitable finish, which will almost assuredly be in or around last place.”

The world renowned journalist was quick to concede that he wasn’t good with dialects and admitted that everyone could well be talking about an American Southerner.

Still, other maintain that by virtue of having been born in the southern United States, the athlete most likely overcame intellectual poverty, or at least four severe bouts with over-the-counter medication. Given that these hearty lessons might as well be on the table, many of the narratives focus on teaching the youth of the world about the dangers of drugs.

“Ooh, it could be an inner city ghetto youth,” one journalist was heard to joyously exclaim. “Then poverty and unfamiliarity with the sport is back in play!”

Still, privately most were hoping the sportsperson that had so inspired the world possessed some kind of weepy story to tell about overcoming some minor form of cancer or a best friend or parent that had recently died of a debilitating disease, spurring said athlete on to train harder by teaching them the value and preciousness of life and the time they have left on earth.

“The pre-event personal interest story just writes itself,” one television executive said. "We have to hump something between all those Geico commercials."

In any event, whoever this person is or was, whatever their gender is, wherever they come from, or whatever event it is they will attempt to participate in, one thing is clear: that human has moved us all.

Broken News: Failed drug tests invalidate scrappy poor kids' victory over rich rivals

VALLEY LAKE—It was a heartwarming story that transfixed the region, a group of down-on-their-luck kids from the wrong side of the tracks valiantly fought for and won control of their beloved summer camp, snatching the property from the clutches of snooty rich kids and their real estate developer parents. But now in a shocking turn, there are damning accusations of cheating and a series of failed drug tests on behalf of those scrappy poor kids that have overturned that victory, wresting control of the camp back into the hands of the wealthy elite they rooked.

“After completing the legally mandated drug test, as per the conditions set forth in contract all parties signed, we have found that almost the entire group of lower socio-economic youngsters collectively going by the name Team Miracle failed the urinalysis and blood toxicity screens,” observed town sheriff Frank Collig, working as the agreed upon arbiter in this conflict. “We found trance elements of anadrol, testocrine, primobolan, winstrol, masteron, dihydrotestosterone, androstenone, avodart, iocane, Advil, and HGH. This is in addition to the numerous horse tranquilizers, pain killers, and Wasilla-grade methamphetamines we found coursing through their deceitful little veins.”

He continued, “As such, these performance enhancers would undoubtedly have had an effect on the canoe race for control of the camp, creating an almost superhuman group of paddlers unable to feel their muscles bursting with pain. Given these results, I have no other choice but to declare Team Miracle’s victory invalid and award control of Camp Sunshine to their rich competitors on Team Elite and their corporate sponsors at Globodyne Megacorp. Furthermore I would like to chastise the kids of Team Miracle for conduct that makes the East German women look like sportswomen of the year. Or is it sportsmen? The mustaches always confuse me.”

While no immediate reaction could be gotten from any of the poverty-stricken youths, Coach Tompkins, the man who taught them to believe in themselves and not to just let people tell them they’d never amount to anything, fielded questions. When pressed to discuss the test results, Tompkins sighed, shook his head, and remarked “Now where will we go? Without that camp we’ll never be able to touch the lives of the kids in this community, to teach them that they can be somebody.” Adding “HGH? Christ.”

The members of Team Elite however, were not so confounded. Speaking on behalf of his clients in front of Camp Sunshine, lawyer H. Charles Wiffington III read from a prepared statement. “While we deplore the conduct of those tactless ragamuffins from Poverty Junction, we would like to commend the sheriff for his fairness and for the good people at Pharmatech, a division of Globodyne, for their prompt and unimpeachable testing of the samples. We weren’t sure that the rich and powerful were going to be able to get a fair shake in Valley Lake, but they’ve shown to the two disparate and constantly warring classes on both sides of this town that the law and science rule the day.”

While members of Team Elite and their rich developer parents are tight lipped on their plans for the land, rumor has it that they are planning to bulldoze the camp in order to build summer homes on the lake, so they don’t have to make the treacherous 10 mile drive from their homes on the wealthy Knox Heights section of Valley Lake in order to use their yachts.

Wiffington was also quick to note that just because control of the land reverted to them that this meant legal action was over. Indeed he was quick to point out that charges of fraud, emotional abuse, and drug trafficking were to be filed. Globodyne CEO Barrington Dartmouth-Kane VI even advised them to look into claims that the canoe Team Miracle used, designed by team member Aloysius “Braniac” Nerdington, infringed on several Globodyne aerospace patents.

He also added “Of course the grudgingly respectful handshake that team captain Barrington Dartmouth-Kane VII offered to Team Miracle as well as the slow clap that slowly evolved into all out applause has been revoked and deemed null-and-void.”

Chief Collig hoped that this wouldn’t already exacerbate the heightening rich/poor tensions in Valley Lake. “Christ with this, those car races down in the abandoned spillway, the dance offs, and that thing at the karate tournament, this town is just about ready to explode. I hope we can start to come together to move forward as a community, without so many contrived conflicts and competitions between the two sides of town.”