Broken News: America doomed as Obama Administration insists on following so-called “laws”

WASHINGTON—Today, in a hearing in front of the Senate judiciary Committee, Attorney General Eric Holder confirmed that the collected group of callow, appeasing assholes known as the Obama Administration were going forward with a plan to try terrorism suspects in federal courts, dooming the country to chaos and quashing hopes that the announcement earlier in the week had just been a grim practical joke.

“No, we were totally serious,” Holder said, to the astonished, pearl-clutching gasps of those in attendance. “It appears that it states in the Constitution or the Pledge of Allegiance or something that it’s probably legally required that we put on trial those we’ve accused of crimes in an actual court of law, with an actual judge and stuff. Otherwise it just seems like we’re taking Muslim hostages.”

“So it is with this announcement that we take the final official step of reclassifying these men as ‘prisoners’ instead of ‘guys who are just on a really, really long prison tour’, which had been their former designation,” Holder finished.

As Holder gathered his things and left the hearing, those who had heard this announcement heralding the end of America could only stand slack jawed at the ruinous future that awaited this country if the Obama Administration was going to prosecute terrorists according to internationally and federally established guidelines on justice.

Lawmakers were quick to agree with that assessment.

“Now no one is going to accuse me of any deep understanding off the Muslim, his beliefs, or the mystical incantations of his devil-religion that gives him his America destroying powers,” observed House Minority Leader John Boehner, still hyper-ventilating while he struggled to raise himself from his favorite fainting couch.

“But I believe that it was the mystical properties of Gitmo that kept their superhuman strength at bay. Now that they’re being allowed to leave, how will we ever be able to contain their vast powers?“

Indeed it is the unique rock and mineral compounds of Guantanamo Bay and their effects on followers of Islam that initially drew the Bush Administration to build their terrorist holding center there in the first place. But with no such facilities in the contiguous United States, it is expected that these terrorists will be able to break free of their shackles and rampage loose in the country only hours after they touch down on American soil.

“Our federal prisons are fit to hold the worst murderers, serial killers, minorities, rapists, gang members, minorities, kidnappers, jaywalkers, minority non-violent drug offenders, and terrorists caught on American soil that society has to offer. But these terrorists that are caught on foreign soil? We don’t have the capacity to deal with them,” reminded Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, while taking large breaths of oxygen from an air tank.

“They’re fueled by hatred of America! They feed on being afforded protections under US law. It only increases their super strength, powers of flight, freeze breath, and cat like reflexes. What are they thinking?”

But fears of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bending the bars of his prison cell and, after growing to a gargantuan size as Constitutional protection and America-hate empower him, scaling the Empire State Building to swat at airplanes, have not motivated the Obama administration to reconsider their reckless adherence to the law, leaving pundits to wonder what exactly motivates the 44th president of the United States.

“Unless [Obama is] trying to create a new jobs bill by allowing terrorism back in New York then this is insane,” observed Texas representative Louie Gohmert, implying that the Obama Administration is actively looking for ways to open up New York to another terrorist attack.

“I would also like to add that the statement above is not satire or parody in any way. I actually said that and meant it,” he finished.

When asked to comment on the fact that due process and using our justice system for what it was designed for would cause irreparable damage to the country the Center For Midwesterners and Southerners Who Will Never Be Attacked By Terrorists responded that it couldn’t offer any comment, as its members were too busy hiding in bomb shelters in advance of assured attacks, but were preparing a statement that dictated what they thought areas that would be subjected to terrorist attacks should do.

Similar sentiments were echoed in a joint statement by the Organization of People Who Are Pants-Wettingly Scared of Terrorism and Muslims and the Society for the Sacrificing of American Ideals, who announced that not only had they wet themselves, but were all for ripping up the Constitution if someone official looking promised them it would protect them from terrorists and all men with beards.

“Look, we just feel that we have to, you know, follow the laws of this country,” a perplexed Holder said in a press conference, following the hearings.

“Nah, just kidding,” he said, bursting out in laughter. “With our socialist agenda stalling in the Senate, we felt this was the fastest way to undermine America and bring about the ruin of its inhabitants.”

Holder then walked away, chuckling as he described how great it was going to be to see a 300-foot Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bite off Rudy Giuliani’s head as he irradiated the Bronx with his laser heat vision.