Thomson is your new Gitmo

When you wanted the government's detainee holding facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba closed because it violated both US and International law, was a humanitarian blight, undermined our foreign policy, and provided a shiny recruiting tool for extremists and terrorists, one candidate rose up and said "I agree." His name was Barack Obama. Now that he's the President he has seen the problems Gitmo creates and has finally decided to do what we all implored him to to with the detainee facility: keep everything about it the same, but move it's location to Thomson, Illinois. That was all our big problem, right? That it was in Cuba? Let them explain it to you in a letter they sent explaining it to Rep. Mark Kirk of Illinois.

If Thomson is selected, we do not anticipate that any detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay who are transferred to Thomson would be prosecuted in civilian courts.
...
Nevertheless, and interagency review panel is in the final stages of determining the number of detainees who will continue to be held, and for whom no prosecution is planned.
...
the Department of Justice will pursue prosecution of Guantanamo Bay detainees in Federal Court only when admissible evidence or potentially available admissible evidence will probably be sufficient to obtain and sustain a conviction.

So to recap: no one moved to Thomson will receive and actual trial in an American court, those who have deigned to have some measure of rights will be charged and tried under military commissions, and the rest will be held without charges of any kind. On the bright side, they will be beefing up security at Thomson beyond the standards of a Supermax prison, thus preventing the illiterate opium farmers from using their laser vision and super strength that only the walls of Gitmo could contain.

In other words, all we've changed at Gitmo is the location. I guess symbolic measure are just as good as real ones, right? I'm sure that the worldwide legal and human rights community, the Red Cross, the UN, American's who opposed Gitmo, and the Muslim world will totally appreciate the difference. I mean Gitmo sounds like such a harsh name. Thomson? Thomson is your friend, Thomson is your buddy, Thomson wouldn't beat and torture you while he illegally imprisoned you. No, this is perfectly acceptable. This is exactly what we asked for: a change in scenery for our illegally held detainees. I'm glad Obama listened.

Legalese

per·son (pûrsn)
n.
1. a human being, whether man, woman, or child
2. a human being as distinguished from an animal or a thing.
3. You know, except if they're imprisoned by the US on Guantanamo Bay: See unperson

What, don't believe me? DC circuit court ruled it so and the Supreme Court upheld it, making it the law of the land.

Today, the United States Supreme Court refused to review a lower court’s dismissal of a case brought by four British former detainees against Donald Rumsfeld and senior military officers for ordering torture and religious abuse at Guantánamo. The British detainees spent more than two years in Guantanamo and were repatriated to the U.K. in 2004.

The Obama administration had asked the court not to hear the case. By refusing to hear the case, the Court let stand an earlier opinion by the D.C. Circuit Court which found that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, a statute that applies by its terms to all “persons” did not apply to detainees at Guantanamo, effectively ruling that the detainees are not persons at all for purposes of U.S. law.

Furthermore their rights under the Geneva Conventions were waived because “torture is a foreseeable consequence of the military’s detention of suspected enemy combatants.” Makes sense to me. I mean if you don't want to be tortured, you shouldn't allow the US to say you're an enemy combatant.

Furthermore it was ruled that anyone being charged with torture wasn't liable, because after all, how was our government supposed to know that laws governed their actions and that detainees had rights? Again: makes sense. Courts have been affirming this standard for years; no one can be reasonably expected to believe that detainees have rights in this country.

Don't worry, this is only for the purposes of US law. If these guys wanted to get credit cards and adjustable rate mortgages, they'd still be allowed to.

So just in case you were worried, don't be. The garish social morays of the 20th Century, where torture was called torture and men were prosecuted for it, is dead and buried. Torture is no longer a war crime, it's a "foreseeable consequence". People who torture are no longer "war criminals", they're just men who couldn't be expected to know that laws mean something. As we've seen: laws don't mean anything. And what's most heartening is now we have two Presidents and a Supreme Court who agree. I just hope they call up the Oxford dictionary people, we'll want to get that whole "person" definition modified up to US legal standards ASAP. Otherwise we'll just look like idiots.

New Gitmo

Robert Greenwald of Brave New Films has anew series out called Rethink Afghanistan, about how we should...well...it should be obvious from the title. This part is about how it's really meaningless to make a big deal about closing Gitmo, when you still have its bigger equivalent up and running in Bagram.



I'm sure it does wonders for our "hearts and minds" campaign in Afghanistan. But hey, don't worry that detainee policy was turned over to political advisers, that White House counsel Greg Craig left over his belief that President Obama should actually abide by his campaign promises, or that the Pentagon's top official on detainees, Phil Carter, who was a fierce advocate for civil liberties and opposition to Bush detainee and detention policies, resigned over his belief that President Obama should actually abide by his campaign promises,we're closing Gitmo! Just not on the January 22nd deadline the Administration said it would....if at all. But hey, at least that asshole Bush isn't running things anymore. Am I right?

Broken News: America doomed as Obama Administration insists on following so-called “laws”

WASHINGTON—Today, in a hearing in front of the Senate judiciary Committee, Attorney General Eric Holder confirmed that the collected group of callow, appeasing assholes known as the Obama Administration were going forward with a plan to try terrorism suspects in federal courts, dooming the country to chaos and quashing hopes that the announcement earlier in the week had just been a grim practical joke.

“No, we were totally serious,” Holder said, to the astonished, pearl-clutching gasps of those in attendance. “It appears that it states in the Constitution or the Pledge of Allegiance or something that it’s probably legally required that we put on trial those we’ve accused of crimes in an actual court of law, with an actual judge and stuff. Otherwise it just seems like we’re taking Muslim hostages.”

“So it is with this announcement that we take the final official step of reclassifying these men as ‘prisoners’ instead of ‘guys who are just on a really, really long prison tour’, which had been their former designation,” Holder finished.

As Holder gathered his things and left the hearing, those who had heard this announcement heralding the end of America could only stand slack jawed at the ruinous future that awaited this country if the Obama Administration was going to prosecute terrorists according to internationally and federally established guidelines on justice.

Lawmakers were quick to agree with that assessment.

“Now no one is going to accuse me of any deep understanding off the Muslim, his beliefs, or the mystical incantations of his devil-religion that gives him his America destroying powers,” observed House Minority Leader John Boehner, still hyper-ventilating while he struggled to raise himself from his favorite fainting couch.

“But I believe that it was the mystical properties of Gitmo that kept their superhuman strength at bay. Now that they’re being allowed to leave, how will we ever be able to contain their vast powers?“

Indeed it is the unique rock and mineral compounds of Guantanamo Bay and their effects on followers of Islam that initially drew the Bush Administration to build their terrorist holding center there in the first place. But with no such facilities in the contiguous United States, it is expected that these terrorists will be able to break free of their shackles and rampage loose in the country only hours after they touch down on American soil.

“Our federal prisons are fit to hold the worst murderers, serial killers, minorities, rapists, gang members, minorities, kidnappers, jaywalkers, minority non-violent drug offenders, and terrorists caught on American soil that society has to offer. But these terrorists that are caught on foreign soil? We don’t have the capacity to deal with them,” reminded Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, while taking large breaths of oxygen from an air tank.

“They’re fueled by hatred of America! They feed on being afforded protections under US law. It only increases their super strength, powers of flight, freeze breath, and cat like reflexes. What are they thinking?”

But fears of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bending the bars of his prison cell and, after growing to a gargantuan size as Constitutional protection and America-hate empower him, scaling the Empire State Building to swat at airplanes, have not motivated the Obama administration to reconsider their reckless adherence to the law, leaving pundits to wonder what exactly motivates the 44th president of the United States.

“Unless [Obama is] trying to create a new jobs bill by allowing terrorism back in New York then this is insane,” observed Texas representative Louie Gohmert, implying that the Obama Administration is actively looking for ways to open up New York to another terrorist attack.

“I would also like to add that the statement above is not satire or parody in any way. I actually said that and meant it,” he finished.

When asked to comment on the fact that due process and using our justice system for what it was designed for would cause irreparable damage to the country the Center For Midwesterners and Southerners Who Will Never Be Attacked By Terrorists responded that it couldn’t offer any comment, as its members were too busy hiding in bomb shelters in advance of assured attacks, but were preparing a statement that dictated what they thought areas that would be subjected to terrorist attacks should do.

Similar sentiments were echoed in a joint statement by the Organization of People Who Are Pants-Wettingly Scared of Terrorism and Muslims and the Society for the Sacrificing of American Ideals, who announced that not only had they wet themselves, but were all for ripping up the Constitution if someone official looking promised them it would protect them from terrorists and all men with beards.

“Look, we just feel that we have to, you know, follow the laws of this country,” a perplexed Holder said in a press conference, following the hearings.

“Nah, just kidding,” he said, bursting out in laughter. “With our socialist agenda stalling in the Senate, we felt this was the fastest way to undermine America and bring about the ruin of its inhabitants.”

Holder then walked away, chuckling as he described how great it was going to be to see a 300-foot Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bite off Rudy Giuliani’s head as he irradiated the Bronx with his laser heat vision.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.21

House Cuts Health Bill Price To $871 Billion
The House, otherwise known as the tolerable part of government, has moved towards extending a large middle finger to the Senate by crafting a bill that is not only $871 billion, but reduces the deficit, and includes a strong public option. Meanwhile 52 members of the Senate generally support the same exact thing, but debate is held up by 5 conservative democrats who aren't sure and a debate over whether to have a debate about the public option. Don't you just love those little scamps.

Admiral: I can empty Guantánamo camps in 10 days
For all the talk and feckless handwringing about how the Administration just doesn't know if it can close America's Shame in the time it said it could, the military wants everyone to be clear that it isn't the one sitting with its dick in its hand. All he needs are some planes, ferries, or even those boats they used to storm Normandy on D-Day. Hell he can empty Gitmo in 15 minutes provided he has enough ammunition. The point is, as always, that it's Washington fucking up again.

Man of Extremes: The Return of James Cameron
The New Yorker gives an extensive look at the upcoming film Avatar and its creator, an apparently pompus man-baby blowhard James Cameron. Marvel at the monkey and football fucking related zingers he hurls at the crew. Gawk gape mouthed at the discussion he has with digital effects powerhouse WETA where he gets into an intense discussion and praise over tooth translucence, light transmission in gill membranes, and quadrate bones. Listen to enough interminable bullshit about how the digital effects are so good, technology, and how you won't be able to tell which is the CG character and which is the human that you know this movie isn't going to be good. But the light transmission in the teeth of CG monsters will be exquisite.

Iran To Consider Draft Russia Nuclear Deal, Say Diplomats
Diplomacy suffers another brutal blow as Iranian negotiations show support for a plan that would have them send their enriched uranium to Russia for processing, delaying their nuclear bomb capabilities, and ensuring that they can only be used as fuel in a power station, which is what Iran has been claiming it's for anyway. Now how are we going to get our war? We called their bluff and are in the process of relenting and accepting a plan based on the proposals of International Atomic Energy Agency chief Mohamed ElBaradei. I'm sure we could have achieved all of this with a well placed missile strike.

Grandparents sued for keeping girl
It's times like these, when the economy is bad and the housing market is rough, that its heartwarming to see a community band together in the face of adversity. Shame that didn't happen here, where a neighborhood association is suing two grandparents for violating a rule which states that people have to be 55 to reside there, just because they decided to take care of their granddaughter after her drug addled mother disappeared. The grandparents can't sell the house because of the market, can't afford to move without the house selling because of the economy, and the lawsuit could result in the child being put in foster care. Yup, that was the sound of humanity hitting a new low.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.21

Health Care Industry Throws Away Money On "Pro-Reform" Ads (VIDEO)
The Huffington Post's Jason Linkins takes a look at all those health care industry ads that they're running in "support" of reform efforts and finds them to be a completely milquetoast nothing flurry of vague statements, fluffy bunnies, and bizarre promises. Enjoy them, this is what promising to hamstring a health care bill in order for "support" gets you. Not cheaper health care, just ads about vague concepts that kinda sound good.

US Jews protest Catholic document on salvation
Apparently Jewish leaders are shocked, shocked, to learn that Catholic bishops view interfaith dialogue as a chance to convert Jews and that Jesus is the only path to salvation. My question is this: what, you haven't noticed that's pretty much been the sole modus operandi of the Catholic Church (other than getting rich and finding some good looking altar boys) for the past, oh, 2,000 years? Still though, what's the big deal? Your book is half of our book. It's just a couple extra pages to read. Plus there's this whole part in our book where the story just repeats pointlessly 4 times. So it's not even like a whole other book. Give it a thought, for the sake of interfaith dialogue.

Justice Dept. Looking Into Whether Attorneys Broke Law at Guantanamo
In case you needed help remembering. Committing acts of torture at Gitmo: not investigated. Documenting acts of torture at Gitmo: not investigated. Giving info to detainees about their torture and torturers: investigated. Isn't it funny how that old bitch Lady Justice works?

Rise of the Super-Rich Hits a Sobering Wall
Oh, New York Times, how I missed your stories asking us to pity the hardships of the super rich during this economic apocalypse. These poor souls are suffering the indignity of only being worth millions of dollars. How can we not all weep openly for them? I mean other than the fact that everyone has also lost money and that income inequality is at an all time high? But then I look at a man having to sell his estate and his beloved plane collection and I know who really is suffering.

Lockerbie bomber release: Anger grows over hero's welcome for Abdelbaset al-Megrahi
Well done Libya, both the UK and US ask you to tone down celebrations for the return of a guy who bombed an airplane and you go out and have the dictator's son meet him in front of cheering throngs. Well done. Oh and great move Scotland, releasing a convicted terrorist who murdered 270 people just because he was sick. It's important that he's allowed to be with his family. Who could have ever foreseen this being a massive clusterfuck of stupid ideas?

Loosing terrorists on American soil

Dear God, the sick freaks at the Justice Department and White House are again considering loosing the insane super-criminals at Guantanamo in the United States. Moving them from their island fortress, replete with force fields and a special kind of chain link fence, to the woefully inadequate American prison system, with their bars and concrete that a super-powered terrorist could rip through in a second. I thought we already went through this: it's a bad idea....because.

The administration is considering whether to transfer some detainees at the military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to a facility in the United States that would contain courtrooms to hold federal criminal trials and military commissions to prosecute terrorism suspects, administration officials said Sunday.

The maximum-security facility would be jointly run by the departments of Defense, Justice and Homeland Security, with each assuming responsibility for different sets of inmates. Officials said such a facility could also house prisoners held in indefinite detention and those cleared for release but who have no country willing to accept them. Those convicted in federal court or military commissions could serve their terms there.

Two things I like about this idea. One: the presence of a courtroom. While lawyers and international observers telling the terrorists that their detainment is a travesty of justice surely was able to help them understand just how large a farce their imprisonment is, the presence of a courtroom on-site and unused would really drive that point home more symbolically. Maybe the addition of the Constitution or international treaty under glass with a sign that said "do not obey under any circumstances" would help. Two: letting 3 separate government departments run it. When something goes wrong or there's another international outcry they can all comically point at each other and fight like the Three Stooges. Only this time they'll be hitting each other with law books instead of hammers and raking the concept of justice over each others heads, like a saw.

Still though, at least this kicks up another round of shame and awkward eye contact with foreigners. At the very least it'll start another round of those hilarious arguments where people try to claim, with a straight face, that Federal Supermax prisons, military prisons, and regular prisons are somehow unequal to the task of holding prisoners as a chain link fence and a cinder-block row house. If it's good enough for Americans, it's good enough for the terrorists......and people we've grabbed, imprisoned, and claim are terrorists, but are actually unwilling to go into a court and legally say so. But hey, it's not like federal courts have found that in 85% of the cases we have insufficient evidence to even hold these men, now is it?

Oh good, Bush is talking again

George Bush is back and he's got ideas and opinions and stuff! And he needs you to hear them. He just wants you to be absolutely clear: he isn't criticizing Obama. Even if he does criticize Obama after he says he isn't. It's like saying "with all due respect" before telling someone their wife is a whore. You said "with all due respect" so it's not an insult.

"I told you I'm not going to criticize my successor," he said. "I'll just tell you that there are people at Gitmo that will kill American people at a drop of a hat and I don't believe that persuasion isn't going to work. Therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind."

I might not have read everything Obama said about Gitmo and committed it to memory, but wasn't the whole plan to move the terrorists from an inland chain link prison to good old fashioned American concrete and bar prisons? To move them from outside our and the world's legal system to the inside? Not, as the Decider says, give them a session with a therapist, have them partake in a trust 'falling' exercise, and then loosing them on the streets of Dubuke.

I just think inmates of our federal corrections facilities would probably find it funny to have their maximum security surroundings described as "therapy". But then again they aren't as smart as George Bush. After all they're in prison and he's walking around free, despite being a bigger crook. I think he knows what he's talking about: federal prison is for schoolgirls and namby pamby therapist pussies. If only Obama would get that through his head.

Whoops! Pobody's nerfect.

Hmmmm. I don't know how to quite say this, as I know the revelation will shock and horrify you. But it seems that our terrorist detention, rendition, and interrogation policy wasn't as smart and effective as we all initially thought it was. I know, big surprise. It seems some rather large mistakes were made. The Washington Post has come forward with another story of how some...faux pas...were made.

An al-Qaeda associate captured by the CIA and subjected to harsh interrogation techniques said his jailers later told him they had mistakenly thought he was the No. 3 man in the organization's hierarchy and a partner of Osama bin Laden, according to newly released excerpts from a 2007 hearing.

"They told me, 'Sorry, we discover that you are not Number 3, not a partner, not even a fighter,' " said Abu Zubaida, speaking in broken English, according to the new transcript of a Combatant Status Review Tribunal held at the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
...
Abu Zubaida, a nom de guerre for Zayn al-Abidin Muhammed Hussein, told the 2007 panel of military officers at the detention facility in Cuba that “doctors told me that I nearly died four times” and that he endured “months of suffering and torture” on the false premise that he was an al-Qaeda leader.
...
He described the response he received: "You are not American, and you are not on American soil. So you cannot ask about the Constitution."

I can't believe it three guys we waterboarded (and it was only three!!! No, you can't check records to see if that's true) wasn't even who we thought he was. So let's revisit the checklist: not only were we engaging in massively illegal conduct deemed illegal by our own laws and international laws, not only did we spend our waterboarding time asking about mythical Iraq/al-Qaeda connections, but one of the guys wasn't even who we thought he was.

Slow golf clap everyone. I'm not sure they could have fucked up more stages of this. Not only weren't we asking useful questions, we weren't even waterboarding the correct people. Were they even using water? Are we certain they weren't trying to waterboard people with syrup or dirt? Bush decides to break laws and torture and then handles it will all the care of a drunk Inspector Clouseau in a china shop. Wonderful, we didn't even get to sell our national soul for something good. Isn't that always the way? Though, to be fair, if this was baseball, batting .666 would be a pretty legendary career. So if you think of it that way it's....mildly less shame inducing.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.10

Gingrich: Americans ‘surrounded by paganism.’
Newt, fresh off of declaring people racist and giving speech tips to Sarah Palin, decided he hadn't spent enough time pandering to the religious right. And really, he is going to need support from the religious type is we are going to have our 2012 Newt-volution. In a wide ranging speech he declared Christianity the foundation of everything, claimed the Prop 8 victory was a "miracle from God's hand", and warned that America is under constant threat from pagan influences. It was unclear if he meant just the Harry Potter books or was including all the Pagan traditions Christians swiped for their holidays. He would have expounded, but he had to leave early to go cheat on his 4th wife with his future 5th wife.

U.S. clears 10 big banks to repay bailout funds
What do you know, they actually paid the money back. $68 billion to be precise. Funnily enough this caused an initial rise in the stock market before it "later shed most of the gains on concern the money could be better used for lending to boost the economy rather than paying it back to Treasury." That's right, the market reacts poorly to taxpayers getting paid back. I hope you don't have any plans for that money, like health care or a couple more months in Iraq, we need that money for car companies. Thanks banks, let's hope this was actually a good idea and not just some shortsighted attempt to unburden yourselves from all those regulations. I know what I'm betting on.

Gore To North Korea? Obama May Send Ex-VP To Negotiate Journalists' Release
Turns out the Obama Administration might need Al Gore to get off his fat, global warming, Nobel winning ass and start doing something productive. Like hostage negotiations. Because....uh....Al Gore...uh...something something. Why is this a good idea? Has he ever done anything like this before? Maybe Obama is just hoping that because the two journalists worked for Gore's Current network, he'll be extra motivated to get them back on the job and earning him some scratch, instead of lounging it in a North Korean prison camp, building Kim Jong-Il a really big waterslide.

A Brief History of Erotic Asphyxiation
In honor of David Carradine, who's sexual self suffocation has given me the immense please of hearing Nancy O'Dell, Pat O'Brien, and Mary Hart talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation and other celebrities bizarre sexually/drug related deaths. From Frantisek Kotzwara to Michael hutchence to the Snake Charmer himself, learn the complete history of what happens when you don't have a spotter watching you while you wank it with a belt around your neck.

Remote Pacific nation to take Gitmo detainees
Finally the US Government has found something to do with the 17 innocent Chinese Uighur Muslims that it had been holding a Guantanamo for no good reason: they're shipping them off to another island. But this time it's in the Pacific! They're getting a one way ticket to Palau. Interesting facts about Palau. 1. There were actually more people being held at Gitmo than are citizens of Palau. 2. Chances are your house is bigger than Palau. 3. In order to get them to take these 17 innocent people, we're going to have to pay them close to $200 million in development assistance. 4. It will pretty much be swallowed by the sea if the ice caps melt any more.So good luck Uighurs, hope you enjoyed our hospitality. Hope Al Gore's hostage negotiations don't take too much time away from his trying to prevent the destruction of your new home.

Thanks Bush

For years we've had two stories: what the Bush Administration said was going on during the all encompassing "War on Terror" and what we later got to find out was really happening. Thanks to ABC News we get another one of those moments, this time while our elected betters are in mid-froth about the sanctity of Gitmo and the extreme guilt of everyone inside. It's the story of Lakhdar Boumediene and I'd suggest not only reading the full article, but watching the video segment they did for the news over the weekend.

For 7½ years, Lakhdar Boumediene was known simply by a number: "10005."
Lakhdar Boumediene is released after 7 1/2 years in Guantanamo Bay detention.

These were the digits assigned to him when he arrived at the detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, swept up in a post-Sept. 11 dragnet and accused of plotting to blow up the U.S. and British Embassies in Sarajevo.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News, Boumediene said the interrogators at Gitmo never once asked him about this alleged plot, which he denied playing any part it.

"I'm a normal man," said Boumediene, who at the time of his arrest worked for the Red Crescent, providing help to orphans and others in need. "I'm not a terrorist."
...
After what Boumediene described as a 7½ year nightmare, he is now a free man. Boumediene: "I don't think. I'm sure" about torture.

That's right, a guy who worked for a charity helping orphans. And not just any charity, the Red Crescent. Furthermore, when he got swept up by the Bosnian authorities and falsely charged with plotting to blow up embassies, he was quickly exonerated and about to be released...that is until the Bush Administration pressured the Bosnian Government to hand him and five others over. Upon which time he got the full five-star treatment at Gitmo until 7 1/2 years later when the Supreme Court said he had a right to a trial, which was quickly followed by a Republican judge laughing the government's charges against him out of court, and finally followed by his release.

Of note is the fact that the crime he was originally swept up for, plotting to blow up embassies, never made it into the list of charges the government brought up when they finally had to give him a trial. But, in a spot of good news, at least when he was tortured interrogated in an enhanced manner by the government, they didn't ask him about Iraq/al-Qaeda links. They only grilled what they thought was a low level functionary about the whereabouts and plans of Osama bin Laden. Which, while intensely stupid, was a tremendous step up for our government. Just so were keeping score here, that's 7 1/2 years of imprisonment replete with beatings and torture, all for a man who was found innocent....TWICE. Once at the beginning and once at the end. Well done.

So the next time someone starts defending the necessity/effectiveness of Gitmo and the tactics of the Bush Administration, some of which are being continued by the Obama Administration, remember stuff like this. And resist the urge to beat whoever is saying it.

Saturday News Hole 5.30

Glowing Baby Monkeys: Marmosets Inherit Genes Added By Science
As if glowing beagles weren't enough. Science, in its unending quest to shame God, has decided that marmosets need to glow in the dark. Why? So you can experience that zoo monkey house smell at night and still know where all the monkeys are. Just kidding, its so we can better give lab animals diseases so we can do medical experiments on them. So yes Virginia, you may have a glowing monkey, but only if you're going to do some medical tests on it.

Dem Senators Open To Allowing Innocent Chinese Detainees To Live In U.S.
Sure we can't let the criminal masterminds at Gitmo onto American soil, but what about the innocent 17 Chinese Uighurs we're also holding there? Shouldn't we , I don't know, let them go free. That would make sense, wouldn't it? Well you don't think like a Senator. Even though everyone recognizes they are innocent and even though they should be let go, our elected betters in the senate still aren't totally sure what the next course of action should be. They have to negotiate what to do with innocent people we've held for six years. And now you know why nothing useful ever happens in the Senate. It's where common sense goes to die a thousand deaths.

North Korea Test-Fires Missile, Vows To Retaliate If Provoked
Gotta love North Korea. Illegally tests a nuke, illegally tests some short range missiles, vows to illegally test some long range missiles, and all but says it doesn't consider the 1953 Korean War truce. But also simultaneously claims that everyone is provoking him and that if the UN so much as tries to sanction them for any of this, well then they vow to get really crazy. When did starving his people and kidnapping Japanese directors so they could make monster movies for him stop being enough for Kimmy? I'm afraid it's looking like Kim Jong-Il gonna provoke us into a war in Korea before the crazies in this country can regroup after the Obama victory to provoke us into a war with Iran. And I did really want to see Tehran in the springtime.

Debate Over Child Executions Roils Iran's Presidential Vote
You think Presidential elections over here are full of bullshit macho posturing? Iran has us beat. They're arguing over whether it's cool to execute children after they hit the age of maturity (15 years old for boys, 9 years old for girls). What's the other big issue in the race to unseat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Freedom to blog/freedom of speech. Haven't these people ever heard of injecting dimwitted plumbers and hockey moms into their elections? Everything's gotta be so serious.

370 Beech Street Highland Park, IL 60035
When Cameron was in Egypt's land........let my Cameron go. If you've got $2.3 million and are interested in 5,300 Sq Ft on 0.75 acres which also happened to be Cameron's house in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, then you're in luck. It's even been repaired since the time some damned idiot backed a Ferrari out of the steel and glass garage into a ravine while trying to run the mileage backwards.

I can't believe he has to defend closing Gitmo

So today President Obama actually has to go out and defend the closing of Guantanamo Bay. Why? Because the Senate is a stupid place. Fresh off a vote denying money to close the blight on America's reputation, he has to go out and make a case as to why we need to close Gitmo and lay out incredibly obvious plans for how to do so. Why? Because the Senate is a stupid place.

President Barack Obama finds himself in a political box -at home and abroad- on closing the Guantanamo Bay prison, and will be trying Thursday to use a major address on national security to work out of the tight spot.

Obama takes on the explosive topic a day after the Senate, at the behest of majority Democrats, denied his request for $80 million to close the prison. The 90-6 vote followed a similar move last week in the House and underscored widespread apprehension among Obama's Democratic allies in Congress over the issue.

Providing a summary of the speech on condition of anonymity because it has not yet been delivered, this official wrote that the president will work through the cases of the remaining 240 prisoners at Guantanamo by:

-Using federal courts to try those who have violated criminal law;

-Using military commissions to try those charged with violating the rules of war; and

-Transfering detainees to third countries when that is possible and does not pose a security risk.

My God, trying them according to the level of crime they committed in the appropriate court. How could he ever have conceived of such a strategy? Then after this all he has to do is wage a PR battle with the Senate over their various stupid contentions that American prisons cannot simply hold the criminal masterminds in Gitmo, that our corrections officers are unable to undertake the task of properly throwing a Koran in a latrine, or harry Reid flight into incoherence yesterday when he claimed that any transfer of prisoners would result in the release of terrorists into America. I'm not sure I follow the logic on that one either.

After the speech, which actually should be going on now, after Obama lays out a sensible solution to an ad hoc legal clusterfuck and tamps down the temptation to beat Harry Reid with a lead pipe, we'll get to hear a rebuttal of sorts.....from Dick Cheney. I'm being serious. He's giving a speech after the President, where he'll whine and piss and moan about the liberal pussy who is dismantling his chainlink island gulag. Hey GOP, I know you're all scared of the guy and the fact that he knows where all of you live, but when you trot out America's official walking talking personification of it's shame to defend anything, the plan is doomed to fail. Always. I can't believe that you never seem to remember that.

Montana: The Last Best Place.......to hold terrorists

The GOP has become very clear on Guantanamo Bay: everyone there is guilty, anything used to interrogate them is fair game short of a gay interrogator, and these men housed there are such criminal masterminds and such a threat to America that they must never be allowed on American soil. Either because we need a super prison, like one we'd build to hold Lex Luthor or the Hulk, they magically gain rights when they tough American soil, or because it would invalidate about eight years of GOP arguments that we can't let these men tough American soil because *mumble*mumble* something something terrorism.

Senate Republicans settled Monday on their first line of attack in the battle over closing the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay: No detainees can come to American soil.

With the blessing of his party leaders, Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) is expected to offer the language as an amendment to a $91.3 billion wartime spending bill that could come before the Senate as early as Tuesday.

Security concerns. US prisons are good enough to hold the worst of the worst and, given the rate at which we incarcerate our citizens, are given the chance to do so in overcrowded situations. But now they can't handle another couple dozen guys. Because *mumble*mumble* something something terrorism.

But not everyone thinks that way, in fact a Montana town thinks it's up to the job.

It is a long way from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. But if people here get their way, up to 100 detainees now held in Guantanamo will soon be living in a brand new prison on the edge of town.
...
It is a windowless, low-slung tan concrete hulk surrounded by a double row of high mesh fence topped with gleaming coils of razor wire.

Earlier this month, Hardin's town council voted unanimously to offer the US government a deal: Send Hardin the detainees that most foreign countries and other cities the US are afraid to take.

That doesn't sound bleaker and more depressing to a terrorist than Cuba? Here's how bad the situation is in Hardin: 1. they have a town economic development director who's only job seems to be filling a prison 2. the people of the town view a opportunity to house terrorists as a chance at an economic boom and a chance at getting "a piece of the American dream." Frankly from the sounds of Hardin, an apt punishment would be to make the terrorists try to eke out a living there, prison be damned.

So come on here. We have a need to eliminate a worldwide blight on our reputation, a chance to economically stimulate a depressed region, an empty prison, and conditions that might be psychologically worse for the terrorists. Win-win-win-win. Big Sky Gitmo. It almost makes too much sense.

¡qué pena!

Spanish prosecutors will seek criminal charges against Alberto Gonzales and five high-ranking Bush administration officials for sanctioning torture at Guantánamo

Spanish prosecutors have decided to press forward with a criminal investigation targeting former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and five top associates over their role in the torture of five Spanish citizens held at Guantánamo, several reliable sources close to the investigation have told The Daily Beast. Their decision is expected to be announced on Tuesday before the Spanish central criminal court, the Audencia Nacional, in Madrid. But the decision is likely to raise concerns with the human-rights community on other points: They will seek to have the case referred to a different judge.

The six defendants—in addition to Gonzales, Jay Bybee, John Yoo, William J. Haynes II, David Addington, and Douglas J. Feith—are accused of having given the green light to the torture and mistreatment of prisoners held in U.S. detention in “the war on terror.” The case arises in the context of a pending proceeding before the court involving terrorism charges against five Spaniards formerly held at Guantánamo. A group of human-rights lawyers originally filed a criminal complaint asking the court to look at the possibility of charges against the six American lawyers. Baltasar Garzón Real, the investigating judge, accepted the complaint and referred it to Spanish prosecutors for a view as to whether they would accept the case and press it forward. “The evidence provided was more than sufficient to justify a more comprehensive investigation,” one of the lawyers associated with the prosecution stated.

Awwwww. Looks like the gamble that no country would decide to enforce their own torture laws and treaty requirements seriously didn't exactly pay off, Bush Six. There is one adult country left on earth, even if it is the one that had all its athletes make slanty eyes for pictures promoting the Beijing Olympics.

Don't think that changing judges meant you're cut any slack either. It's procedural, having to do with the fact that the judge presiding over the prosecution of the Bush Six for torturing five Spanish citizens is also the one presiding over the trial of the five citizens on terrorism charges. See, Spain can walk an chew gum at the same time: press charges on terrorists and prosecute men who authorized the torture of them. But that judge switch may not even happen, and if it does all you get to do is move from the guy know for taking on terrorism and Pinochet, Judge Baltasar Garzón Real, and get a guy who is currently running a trial against the use of CIA rendition and black sites against Spanish citizens, Judge Ismail Moreno. It think they have a saying for that: out of the frying pan and into another frying pan.

Anyone in the Obama Justice Department getting any ideas? Maybe we should run our own trials to prosecute men who illegally authorized torture. No? Just gonna pretend it didn't happen? Fine. Thanks again Spain. Want to get a trial started on illegal wiretapping? I'm sure at least one Spaniard got illegally recorded.

Blog of the day

'Miss Universe' Dayana Mendoza (formerly Miss Venezuela aka Miss Hugochavezsocialism!!!!) on her trip to visit Guantanamo Bay.

This week, Guantanamo!!! It was an incredible experience....The next days we had a wonderful time, this truly was a memorable trip! We hung out with the guys from the East Coast and they showed us the boat inside and out, how they work and what they do, we took a ride around the land and it was a loooot of fun!

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills. All the guys from the Army were amazing with us.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour. We went to the glass beach, and realized the name of it comes from the little pieces of broken glass from hundred of years ago. It is pretty to see all the colors shining with the sun. That day we met a beautiful lady named Rebeca who does wonders with the glasses from the beach. She creates jewelry with it and of course I bought a necklace from her that will remind me of Guantánamo Bay :)

I didn't want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful

So wait, was that pledge for world peace and to end war/bad stuff a lie? Or does it get sidetracked by those sandy Guantanamo beaches and friendly military dogs? Not even a token "End this mean stuff"? Were you not aware? Has Chavez not been haranguing on an on about this on state TV? Oh well.

Though for future reference if you never wanted to leave Gitmo then you probably should have been named Miss Desert Outside of Kirkuk during a battlefield pageant three years ago. Might not have as high an opinion of the dogs after the first week though.

Take notes

To the members of the Bush Administration who authorized and condoned torture during your reign, take notes on the Khmer Rouge torture trials going no right now. One: it may be a portent of your future if you step off American soil. Two: even fake apologies filled with caveats are more contrition than any of you have shown.

The commandant of the most prominent Khmer Rouge torture house apologized in court Tuesday for atrocities he had committed but said that he had feared for his own life and that he was being made a scapegoat for others.

“I would like to express my regret and heartfelt sorrow,” said the commandant, Kaing Guek Eav, also known as Duch, who is the first defendant in a trial involving the deaths of 1.7 million people from 1975 to 1979 from starvation, overwork and disease, as well as torture and execution.

“My current plea is that I would like you to please leave an open window for me to seek forgiveness,” said Duch, who is 66.

Remember this for when your trial in Spanish court starts, it might buy you a few years off. Yeah, didn't expect that did you? But that's what happens when you kidnap, wrongly imprison, and torture Spanish foreign nationals. Spain tends to get all mad and its human rights lawyers start filing briefs to Baltasar Garzon, the judge who went after Pinochet, Kissinger, Argentine military officers, and Spain's second largest bank. By the way Spain, signing on to international treaties banning torture and binding you to prosecute those who torture your own citizens.....and then actually following through and obeying those international treaties is sooooo childish. What are you, six?

So to Alberto Gonzales, John Yoo, Douglas Feith, William Haynes II, Jay Bybee, and David Addington, remember to add in just a dash of fake remorse. Doug Feith, with his claim that his complete disrespect and ignorance of the Geneva Conventions actually mean he showed torture laws great respect, hasn't seemed to get the message yet. Oh well, don't leave the country unless you have a human rights lawyer on retainer and bail money. Who ever wanted to see Europe anyway?

Word shift

One of the confusing halfway points of the Bush/Obama transition has been word definitions. What were words and phrases going to mean now? Were words going to mean what they've meant since linguistic dwarves forged them in their secret mountain dictionary factories or were words going to mean what the Bush Administration pretended they meant? The American populace forced to go along with these new changes, lest Dana Perino or Scott McClellan furrow their brows over this "torture" thing you were talking about, instead of the new, better phrase: coercive interrogation. Good news, we got torture back, now we've pried a second away.

The Obama administration stopped calling Guantanamo inmates "enemy combatants" on Friday and incorporated international law as its basis for holding the prisoners while it works to close the facility.

The U.S. Justice Department filed court papers outlining a further legal and linguistic shift from the anti-terrorism policies of Republican President George W. Bush, which drew worldwide condemnation as violations of human rights and international law.

They didn't give us a new phrase to use. Are they to be referred to as 'hostages', 'criminals', 'innocently imprisoned', 'some mistakes mixed in with the scum of the earth', 'our national shame', or are they to be declared legal persons at a later date?

One problem? Yeah.....he didn't really change the law, just dropped the phrase. Oh sure, they'll rely on laws passed by Congress and the Geneva conventions, not solely the authority of the President, but Obama still reserves the right to detain battlefield/'far from the battlefield' combatants. Well, at least we get to refer to the detainment as what it really is this time, which I guess was what the Obama JD thought was most important: the words, not any of the major ideas behind the words.

Gitmo: Compare/Contrast

UK government suppressed evidence on Binyam Mohamed torture because MI6 helped his interrogators

Mr Mohamed, 30, an Ethiopian, was granted refugee status in Britain in 1994. He was picked up in Pakistan in 2002 on suspicion of involvement in terrorism, rendered to Morocco and Afghanistan, tortured and then sent to Guantanamo Bay in 2004. All terror charges against him were dropped last year.
...
The 25 lines edited out of the court papers contained details of how Mr Mohamed's genitals were sliced with a scalpel and other torture methods so extreme that waterboarding, the controversial technique of simulated drowning, "is very far down the list of things they did," the official said.
...
He expects Mr Mohamed, who is currently on hunger strike, finally to be sent home from Guantanamo this week.

Right-Wing Senators Praised ‘Humane’ Conditions At Gitmo During 50-Detainee ‘Mass Hunger Strike’

Several other of Inhofe’s colleagues have been singing Gitmo’s praises. House Minority John Boehner (R-OH) remarked last month, “I don’t know that there’s a terrorist treated better anywhere in the world than what has happened at Guantanamo.” “Well, I agree that its gotten an image. I don’t know that that’s all completely deserved,” Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) told MSNBC on Jan 22.

But according to a Guantanamo military lawyer, detainees are still being “beaten” and are living in horrific conditions. The Guardian reports today that Lt. Col. Yvonne Bradley is demanding the release of her client, who is “dying” because of his treatment.
...
Sens. David Vitter (R-LA), Richard Burr (R-NC), and Pat Roberts (R-KS) were also on Inhofe’s delegation, but none are speaking about these disturbing conditions. In fact, Burr blogged that the conditions are “well thought out and in keeping with our Nation’s highest ideals.” Burr also had this puzzling assessment:

If anyone receives mistreatment at Guantanamo, it is the guard force. They must endure frequent verbal and physical attacks from detainees while maintaining the highest standard of care for those same individuals.

This is the kind of stuff you'll need to remember when the President and the Justice Department decide that the people who tortured and ordered torture shouldn't be prosecuted because of some nebulous reason and Congress decides to go along.

Barry: Deuce

"I can still smell the stench of failure. Have the staff fumigate again!"

The big headline of Huffington Post today is on Obama, it says "FOCUS TODAY: REVERSE BUSH'S FOREIGN POLICIES". Hmmm, tad optimistic I'd say. It might take more than one day to totally undo it Ariana. Maybe a day and a working lunch tomorrow. What did he do yesterday? Halted the military tribunals at Guantanamo, phoned Arab leaders to discuss the Mideast situation, froze salaries for White House senior staff with some added lobbyist restrictions, embraced openness and secrecy, met with military leaders to gab about Iraq withdrawal and hitting reset button on Afghanistan, meeting with economic advisers to discuss stimulus, and retook the oath of office with Chief word stumbler John Roberts....just in case.

As for today?

• Congratulate Hillary on her harrowing 94-2 victory in her Senate confirmation. Wonder if she'll stop harping on about that 17 million voter shit.
• Officially make George Mitchell Middle East envoy. Read Anti_Defamation League boss Abe Foxman criticize Mitchell as too qualified, to even handed, and too fair to be point man for US in Middle East. Get confused and dizzy, sit down, have Rahm come in and explain Jewish people to you again.
• Stand in Blue Room with wife, shake hands of commoners and peasants. Remember to shake hands with everyone, even the ugly ones. Christ there are a lot of ugly ones. Some little shit just wiped his nose on Dolly Madison's duvet cover, where's a Secret Service sniper when you need one? Aren't looking forward to that phone call from the Smithsonian, they probably won't let me sit in the Spirit of St. Louis now.
• Lunch. Eat sammich and look out over little league field. Ask Axelrod how long it'll be till that bastard is plowed under and they can get a B-ball court up in this bitch.
• Sign order closing Guantanamo within the a year. Listen for that shrieking, pinched "Noooooooooooooo!" coming from the direction of Texas. Get briefing from State on how to make eye contact with world leaders again. It's been a while.
• Address State Department at Foggy Bottom. Explain vision for foreign policy and hand out protocols for dealing with the lonely looking Bill Clinton wandering the halls. They've all agreed to ask Bill for his advice on about some fake country and some fake crisis they've concocted every couple of days, make him feel important. He'll be the point man on the Kreplachistan conflict.
• Awards ceremony for egg-spoon race from yesterday, really search desk for hidden compartments and levers that reveal trap doors, work through the L-O section of countries calling to congratulate you, send over a envelope with a photo of you with your feet up on the desk, the stationary that says "From the Desk of The President", and a single bullet to John McCain.
• Dinner. Watermelon. The kitchen staff will die at dawn.