Monday, December 7, 2009

Broken In Brief: Woods claims infidelity proof he's greatest of all time

JUPITER ISLAND—Amid mounting reports of mistresses and illicit affairs surrounding pro-golfer Tiger Woods, sports commentators and media analysts have been quick to note how these events have degraded Woods’ legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time. But in a surprising move today, Mr. Woods combated that notion, claiming that these transgression have proven that he is, without doubt, the best golfer in modern history.

“Are you kidding me?” and incredulous Woods said during his opening remarks to the press assembled in front of his residence. “14 majors and 71 PGA victories, all the while juggling dozens of random bar whores, wannabe actresses, and porn stars? Beat that!”

He continued, marking his statements with his trademarked fist pump, “Phil Mickelson only won three majors and he just fucks his own wife. I’m nailing bridesmaids like Sonny in The Godfather and I still have time to win the Masters four times. Doesn’t this prove I have the greatest concentration and skill set in the history of the game? I’d like to see Phil win just one major with that much side action.”

After producing a pit chart and several diagrams, Woods pressed his case that, while Jack Nicklaus currently holds four more major championships, the man lovingly known as the Golden Bear had done it over a longer period of time and had done it without “nearly as sordid a collection of scattered ass as I have,” surmising that Nicklaus had “4-5 mistresses tops.”

“And that’s over his whole career,” Woods added. “Those mistress numbers you’re hearing about in the press is just what I’ve done this year. And I’ve been injured! You should see me when I’m healthy.”

Tiger vowed to soon be back out on the course, cruising for trim, winning majors, avoiding his humiliated wife and her flaw-riddled 9-iron swing in his ongoing effort to usurp Wilt Chamberlain and sement his legacy as the greatest of all time.

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