Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.17.10

So a Mormon is visiting New York City for the weekend. Upon checking into her hotel, the Mormon says to the clerk, "I do hope your pornography is disabled."

The clerk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

A Spanish mathematician has created a dynamical model based on the second law of thermodynamics. Why is this important? The model explains marital breakups. Still no conclusive proof of the female orgasm. Also, still no cure for cancer.

Newly crowned Miss USA, Rima Fakih, wasted little time in arriving at the mandatory scandal when these pictures of her pole dancing surfaced earlier today. The real tragedy here is that the public slut shaming is likely to distract from all of the "Oh noes, a Mooslim Miss 'Merica!" we would have enjoyed for the next week or so.

Speaking of our remarkable progress toward gender equality, this Joslyn James/Rachel Uchitel dust-up is turning into a heartbreaking commentary on the continued pussification of powerful American men. Tiger Woods has already coughed up $10 million in hush money. Frank Sinatra would've had both these broads killed months ago. Whither the mistress who keeps her yap shut if she knows what's good for her?

Two BP refineries in the US have been slapped with 97% of the "egregious willful" safety violations observed by federal regulators since 2007. Anybody else wondering why OSHA even has the "egregious willful" category? Shouldn't it just be the "shut the fuck down" category? Or is that reserved for violations that fall into the "malicious and vindictive evil" or "Bond villain type-shit" categories?

That's all for today. I leave you with the wisdom of Tracy Morgan.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.30

How much did Tiger Woods cost shareholders?
We all know what Tiger Woods' appetite for incredibly trashy bar skanks costs him: his status as the most ungodly boring athlete on the face of the planet, a perfectly good set of golf clubs that is now dented and covered in car paint, a car, and a number of endorsements. I heard John Daly walked up to Tiger and told him that he "really needed to pull himself together" because he was "acting reckless and damaging his reputation." There is no lower indignity. But what's happeneing to all the companies that hitched their wagon to the seemingly unstoppably mundane juggernaut known as the Tiger Woods marketing persona? They lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5-12 billion in stock value. Ouch. Well at least Tiget got to sleep with some real classy ladies. I'm sure that's of real comfort to EA, Nike, and Gatorade stockholders.

How Algal Biofuels Lost a Decade in the Race to Replace Oil
Wired Science looks at how one of the best sources for biofuels, algae, got started and eventually fell by the funding wayside in the transition from Carter's alternate fuels programs to Reagan's OILOILOIL and tongue kissing Saddam programs. On the negative side, we lost decades worth of research into a very promising field. On the bright side, the recent stimulus package and increase in science funding has pumped money back into algae biofuel. The downside? That money is going to run out in a few years. If only we could get some way to turn algae into corn, there would probably be more support for the initiative.

Barley + Space = Space Beer!
Space beer. Do I actually have to say a third word? Fine, Japan (could it have been anyone else) sent up barley grains that spent 5 months on the International Space Station. Now, Sapporo is making 250 six packs and selling them through a lottery for $150. The money raised is going to fund science education. It should be used to fund more space beer. Is These Bastards the only ones who sees the possibility: moon water + space barley = zero G brain lubricant. Let's get on top of this shit Sapporo, if I can't actually visit a moon base, I want to be albe to get 3 sheets to the wind on space beer. Chop chop. Make it happen.

Star Wars Weather Forecast
I know what you're all thinking: what planet in the Star Wars galaxy does the weather outside most resemble? Well now, thanks to Tom Scott, you don't have to wonder. Just type in your zip code or city name and you'll know. It also helps you learn the Star Wars planet names if you're one of those uncultured swine who can't rattle off 40-50 imaginary planets in some macho display of nerd intelligence and misspent youth.

Not again! Giant Swedish Christmas goat statue gets torched
The good people of Stockholm are trying to create a Christmas tradition for their city: building a giant straw statue of a Yule goat, the Swedish precursor to God's son and the savior of man, Santa Claus. Unfortunately, Stockholm hooligans, most likely named Lars or Henrik, have decided upon their own Christmas tradition: evading the security surrounding the giant straw goat in order to set it ablaze. Guess which tradition is winning out? Fire trumps all.

Broken In Brief: Woods claims infidelity proof he's greatest of all time

JUPITER ISLAND—Amid mounting reports of mistresses and illicit affairs surrounding pro-golfer Tiger Woods, sports commentators and media analysts have been quick to note how these events have degraded Woods’ legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time. But in a surprising move today, Mr. Woods combated that notion, claiming that these transgression have proven that he is, without doubt, the best golfer in modern history.

“Are you kidding me?” and incredulous Woods said during his opening remarks to the press assembled in front of his residence. “14 majors and 71 PGA victories, all the while juggling dozens of random bar whores, wannabe actresses, and porn stars? Beat that!”

He continued, marking his statements with his trademarked fist pump, “Phil Mickelson only won three majors and he just fucks his own wife. I’m nailing bridesmaids like Sonny in The Godfather and I still have time to win the Masters four times. Doesn’t this prove I have the greatest concentration and skill set in the history of the game? I’d like to see Phil win just one major with that much side action.”

After producing a pit chart and several diagrams, Woods pressed his case that, while Jack Nicklaus currently holds four more major championships, the man lovingly known as the Golden Bear had done it over a longer period of time and had done it without “nearly as sordid a collection of scattered ass as I have,” surmising that Nicklaus had “4-5 mistresses tops.”

“And that’s over his whole career,” Woods added. “Those mistress numbers you’re hearing about in the press is just what I’ve done this year. And I’ve been injured! You should see me when I’m healthy.”

Tiger vowed to soon be back out on the course, cruising for trim, winning majors, avoiding his humiliated wife and her flaw-riddled 9-iron swing in his ongoing effort to usurp Wilt Chamberlain and sement his legacy as the greatest of all time.