Broken News: Grandmother eager to be put down by Death Panel

ROCHESTER, NY--Lifelong resident Florence Edelburg, 84, has declared her intention to be first in-line when militant Marxist/Islamofascist sleeper cell agent, Barack Hussein Obama, convenes his Death Panels later this year.

"Honestly, I've had a good run. I was married for over 50 years to my late husband, John. I have six wonderful children, 14 beautiful grandchildren and--oh, who the hell am I kidding? If I have to spend one more Thanksgiving staring at my idiot kids and their ingrate cracker spawn, I'm going to put a fucking gun in my mouth."

The widow continued, "I long for the cold embrace of the Grim Reaper. Thank God the Democrats are back in office so I don't have to learn how to tie a noose."

Edelburg, who has seen her health decline in recent years, owing largely to decades of caring for such a large family and helping run her husband's sod farm outside of Adams Basin, has made a holiday habit of threatening to take her own life. Much of this tendency seems to stem from overwhelming disappointment in her progeny, as well as how her life generally turned out.

"Shit, back in '45, I had gams for miles. Wasn't a veteran fresh back from the war who didn't make pecker-first charge at me. If only they'd discovered birth control a decade earlier. I could be living off of Bob Hope's dime, not babysitting these cross-eyed nitwit grandchildren. I can't stand the thought of spending one more minute with my 'loved ones', watching them marry Protestants and ignore my time-worn wisdom, learned from a hard life spent actually working for a Goddamned living. Why didn't they put me in that Florida nursing home I heard so much about?"

Edelburg, a Catholic, first heard of Obama's Death Panels at mass, which she attends each morning "For the free hooch and crackers."

Father Thomas McGrady, of Our Lady of the Bleeding Eyes, has made the Death Panels the focus of his sermons ever since Glenn Beck told him in an e-mail that Jesus despised the competition of public and private health care sectors.

Said Father McGrady, "Scripture tells us to respect all life. Even if that life is an undignified one spent largely soiling oneself and being increasingly ignored by insensitive family members who care only about what effect escalating medical bills will have on their inheritance. I feel it is my duty and the duty of the Church to oppose these efforts at palliative treatment and stop the movement toward the cheaper and more accessible health care I know the Lord Our God hated so dearly."

Edelberg has been heartened by the fact that, according to a flier she received at mass, the post-death process will include "Crushing the bones of the elderly in a wine press and liquefying the corpses so that they can be fed intravenously to the Federal Government's army of secular cyborg babies," noting that being liquefied and used to nourish future generations will "at least allow someone to appreciate one goddamn thing I've done in my cursed fucking life."

As for the interim, Edelburg plans to settle her estate by pitting her six children against one another for a sizable inheritance.

"Lord knows it's the only way I can get some entertainment while I wait for the government to end my sad, depressing, shitshow of an existence. The smart money, pun intended, is on Patrick, my fourth child. He's got some sort of gorilla/retard strength and took to masturbating on small animals at a very young age. Also, he seems impervious to physical pain after all the lashings I gave him during his adolescence."

Florence hopes that, barring further legislative incompetence, the Death Panels will be up and running within the next six months. Otherwise, she fears not only having to endure another Thanksgiving, but an additional Christmas, New Year's, and a dreaded 85th birthday party with her horrid embarrassment of a family.

"I'll do anything to avoid that," she pleaded. "I'm a woman of faith. If the government is going to make me wait that long, I'll just start praying full-time for a stroke, cancer, a random car careering off the street and through the living room, a wayward sparrow flying into my temple, anything..."

Citing the desires of many elderly Americans like Mrs. Edelburg, the White House has vowed it will press forward in its efforts to get the Death Panels up and running by year's end. The White House says it has made a solemn vow to terminate the lives of people like Mrs. Edelman "with extreme prejudice" and remains committed to seeing that goal through to the bitter, bitter end.