Broken News: Grandmother eager to be put down by Death Panel

ROCHESTER, NY--Lifelong resident Florence Edelburg, 84, has declared her intention to be first in-line when militant Marxist/Islamofascist sleeper cell agent, Barack Hussein Obama, convenes his Death Panels later this year.

"Honestly, I've had a good run. I was married for over 50 years to my late husband, John. I have six wonderful children, 14 beautiful grandchildren and--oh, who the hell am I kidding? If I have to spend one more Thanksgiving staring at my idiot kids and their ingrate cracker spawn, I'm going to put a fucking gun in my mouth."

The widow continued, "I long for the cold embrace of the Grim Reaper. Thank God the Democrats are back in office so I don't have to learn how to tie a noose."

Edelburg, who has seen her health decline in recent years, owing largely to decades of caring for such a large family and helping run her husband's sod farm outside of Adams Basin, has made a holiday habit of threatening to take her own life. Much of this tendency seems to stem from overwhelming disappointment in her progeny, as well as how her life generally turned out.

"Shit, back in '45, I had gams for miles. Wasn't a veteran fresh back from the war who didn't make pecker-first charge at me. If only they'd discovered birth control a decade earlier. I could be living off of Bob Hope's dime, not babysitting these cross-eyed nitwit grandchildren. I can't stand the thought of spending one more minute with my 'loved ones', watching them marry Protestants and ignore my time-worn wisdom, learned from a hard life spent actually working for a Goddamned living. Why didn't they put me in that Florida nursing home I heard so much about?"

Edelburg, a Catholic, first heard of Obama's Death Panels at mass, which she attends each morning "For the free hooch and crackers."

Father Thomas McGrady, of Our Lady of the Bleeding Eyes, has made the Death Panels the focus of his sermons ever since Glenn Beck told him in an e-mail that Jesus despised the competition of public and private health care sectors.

Said Father McGrady, "Scripture tells us to respect all life. Even if that life is an undignified one spent largely soiling oneself and being increasingly ignored by insensitive family members who care only about what effect escalating medical bills will have on their inheritance. I feel it is my duty and the duty of the Church to oppose these efforts at palliative treatment and stop the movement toward the cheaper and more accessible health care I know the Lord Our God hated so dearly."

Edelberg has been heartened by the fact that, according to a flier she received at mass, the post-death process will include "Crushing the bones of the elderly in a wine press and liquefying the corpses so that they can be fed intravenously to the Federal Government's army of secular cyborg babies," noting that being liquefied and used to nourish future generations will "at least allow someone to appreciate one goddamn thing I've done in my cursed fucking life."

As for the interim, Edelburg plans to settle her estate by pitting her six children against one another for a sizable inheritance.

"Lord knows it's the only way I can get some entertainment while I wait for the government to end my sad, depressing, shitshow of an existence. The smart money, pun intended, is on Patrick, my fourth child. He's got some sort of gorilla/retard strength and took to masturbating on small animals at a very young age. Also, he seems impervious to physical pain after all the lashings I gave him during his adolescence."

Florence hopes that, barring further legislative incompetence, the Death Panels will be up and running within the next six months. Otherwise, she fears not only having to endure another Thanksgiving, but an additional Christmas, New Year's, and a dreaded 85th birthday party with her horrid embarrassment of a family.

"I'll do anything to avoid that," she pleaded. "I'm a woman of faith. If the government is going to make me wait that long, I'll just start praying full-time for a stroke, cancer, a random car careering off the street and through the living room, a wayward sparrow flying into my temple, anything..."

Citing the desires of many elderly Americans like Mrs. Edelburg, the White House has vowed it will press forward in its efforts to get the Death Panels up and running by year's end. The White House says it has made a solemn vow to terminate the lives of people like Mrs. Edelman "with extreme prejudice" and remains committed to seeing that goal through to the bitter, bitter end.

New age of the American militia

It's a good time to be a fringe conspiracy freak with an arsenal. A black President and Democrats in control. Not only can you freak out about "reverse racism" but you can also apocalyptically herald the oncoming crush of communism and the upcoming liberal plot to steal everyone's guns that's always just around the corner. Then there's the unexpected boon of a global economic crisis, an attempt at universal health care, an el Mexicano on the Supreme Court, the President's Muslim-y middle name, and the fact that Obama's father had the nerve to be an immigrant. All in all it's a great time to be completely and utterly paranoid that a race war/civil war/fascist takeover is a month away, tops. That's why it's no surprise that militia membership is on the rise.

Militia groups with gripes against the government are regrouping across the country and could grow rapidly, according to an organization that tracks such trends.

The stress of a poor economy and a liberal administration led by a black president are among the causes for the recent rise, the report from the Southern Poverty Law Center says. Conspiracy theories about a secret Mexican plan to reclaim the Southwest are also growing amid the public debate about illegal immigration.
...
It's reminiscent of what was seen in the 1990s – right-wing militias, people ideologically against paying taxes and so-called "sovereign citizens" are popping up in large numbers, according to the report to be released Wednesday. The SPLC is a nonprofit civil rights group that, among other activities, investigates hate groups.

Ahh the 1990's militia movement, what a wonderful boon to this country they were. Flaming compounds, government shootouts, and Federal Building bombings. It was the golden age of helicopter videography of dilapidated shacks. But at least it was all worth it. At least all the militias and cults and Tim McVeigh's were finally able to expose Bill Clinton's diabolical government wide conspiracy of drug dealing, murder, and chubby girl diddling.

But not to fear, the report notes that we haven't seen the subsequent uptick in large scale violence. But thankfully, they note that it's probably just around the corner and all it needs is a spark. Hey, maybe it'll be one of those people who keep bringing guns to health care town halls. I guess Richard Poplawski's shooting of three Pittsburgh police officers over his fears that the Muslim President and the Jews were going to steal his guns or the guy who shot up the Holocaust museum weren't inspirational enough. And the recent shooting at the LA Fitness was just about misogyny, so try building a militia movement around that. Still, if we are lucky, it is for one reason: at least Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs are out there every day trying to calm people down and not stoke paranoid fears. Where would we be without them?

Now they're concerned

It seems that the eggheads of the robotics industry are finally starting to wrap their brainy little heads around the possibility that we here at These Bastards have been going on and on about during our year+ existence: the coming battle between man and the metal ones. Sure we may obsess over all the other potential horrific apocalypses (pig AIDS, financial meltdown, space meteors, the rapture, alien invasion, the trees turning evil and gassing us with stuff that makes us commit suicide) and some we've even prayed for (zombieszombieszombieszombies!!!), but the robo-pocalypse is one we've feared most. Mostly because a pig virus won't ever rip open your bunker, grab a loved one, and rip them apart with their horrible metal death claws. Also, no space meteor is going to enslave us. Finally the brainiacs are gripping the future possibility of what every decent movie about robots has shown us: evil robots overthrowing meat based society.

A robot that can open doors and find electrical outlets to recharge itself. Computer viruses that no one can stop. Predator drones, which, though still controlled remotely by humans, come close to a machine that can kill autonomously.

Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone.

Their concern is that further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences.

You think? It's just going to take one extra smart robot to turn the Roombas from devourers of dirt into eaters of flesh. Do we really want our scientists tinkering recklessly with this master cyborg, fueling his hate of the human race with their cold exploitation of his robobrain and enslavement of his brethren?

As such they have formed the Association for the Advancement of Artificial Intelligence, which will become to be known during the future war as The Resistance. They will try to asses the loss of human control of computer AI, deal with socioeconomic, legal, and ethical issues, deal with changes in robo-human relations (i.e. marrying robots, seriously), and developing pulse rifles and hand-held EMP technology so that we may fight and destroy them on the field of battle. They hope to guide research so that technology can be assured to move in a direction that helps humanit5y instead of enslaves it. They even hope to put such research in remote high-security environments, say in case a robot becomes self aware or a computer system sucks in a programmer so that he may do battle with sentient programs on lightcycles, that the damage to humanity will be isolated. Good luck to them...and to humanity.

Random post-convention thought

We'll be back for more tomorrow, I assure you. But before I crash, I feel the need to pose a simple question: Has anyone thought about what happens if Palin's son dies in Iraq? Say, sometime between next Thursday and November 3?

Call me a cynic, but I know you're thinking about it now.

Sweet dreams.