Google v. China: Shit just got real

It's a new day today. How can I tell? We've finally moved away from socialism to communism being the story of the day. Google has effectively pulled up stakes in China, moving its offices and redirecting its Google.cn domain to... another part of China. Hong Kong more specifically. Yes, Google finally got tired of China stealing their proprietary software spying, hacking, and censoring... beyond the parameters of the spying, hacking, and censoring they allowed the Chinese government to do through Google as part of their original deal. It's about the principle of the thing. If China can't hold to the agreed upon principles of dishonesty, then Google just can't trust them.

But now, with the move to Hong Kong and the domain forwarding, Google is effectively uncensored in China.... for about 15 more minutes until they revoke the domain name. They're kind of pissed. In that "trying to pretend we aren't pissed, saying nice things through a grimace and gritted teeth while holding a gun" communist way.

A bulletin from China's state-run news outlet Xinhua blasted Google in a post titled "China says Google breaks promise, totally wrong to stop censoring."
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"This is totally wrong. We're uncompromisingly opposed to the politicization of commercial issues, and express our discontent and indignation to Google for its unreasonable accusations and conducts," an official with the Internet bureau of the State Council Information Office, China's Cabinet, was quoted as saying by the official Xinhua News Agency.

An op-ed by Xinhua published on the CCTV website accused Google of "groundlessly accusing the Chinese government of supporting hacker attack [sic]" and warned Google that it "should not continue to politicalize itself." The article continues,

"Regrettably, Google's recent behaviors show that the company not just aims at expanding business in China, but is playing an active role in exporting culture, value and ideas. It is unfair for Google to impose its own value and yardsticks on Internet regulation to China, which has its own time-honored tradition, culture and value."

Yes, Google is violating that time honored Chinese cultural principle of total government censorship. But judging by the tone of the Chinese statements, they have hired a 14 year-old American girl to write their press releases. We're one more 'totally' and an 'OMG' away from audibly being able to hear the sound of someone loudly chewing gum while they banged this release out on their Sidekick.

Google in China is not actually totally uncensored now, it's just that they've abdicated their self-censorship duties to the Chinese government, who, because of the move to Hong Kong, can only censor Google by completely shutting the search engine down. Which is exactly what Google wants so they can claim the moral high ground. They also technically get a PR victory in China because by forwarding the domain to Google.hk they technically haven't violated the deal to stop censoring Google.cn, which I'm sure will be explained in great detail to the people of China from the Chinese news services.

As of today, through Google.hk, Chinese people can search about Tienanmen Square. And porn. And internet gambling. One of those speaks to the true freedom of the internet, but I'm not sure which one.

So as the Chinese government and Google do battle on the largest stage in the most passive aggressive fight in human history, the Chinese people are caught in the middle of mommy and daddy fighting. And in the end, they probably won't end up better off because of it. But Google does get to make a stand over not allowing China to further their intellectual property theft and save face at a failing operation... I mean make a stand over censorship. I don't even know why I wrote the first half of that sentence. This is about free speech. Totally.

Congress brings the funny

Ahh, the Google "I can't believe the information suppressing and spying government of China tried to suppress information and spy after we built them a system to help them suppress information and spy" hissy fit. How could Google have ever foreseen a future in which China wouldn't be content to merely partake in the OK kind of spying and censorship that Google was fine with and move into the bad kind of spying and censorship that Google doesn't like?

But there is much humor to be mined from the situation. Much of it gallows humor over freedom and the ridiculously naive praise Google seems to be getting for standing up to China... after spending years enabling and helping China. But in an article about the Google-China showdown, our own government decided to bring the irony with all the subtlety of a knee to the groin.

The Google-China flap has already reignited the debate over global censorship, reinvigorating human rights groups drawing attention to abuses in the country and prompting U.S. politicians to take a hard look at trade relations. The Obama administration issued statements of support for Google, and members of Congress are pushing to revive a bill banning U.S. tech companies from working with governments that digitally spy on their citizens.

So... Google can't work with the US government? Ah well, it's for the best. Google needs to be affiliated with as few shady governments as possible. There's been too much bad press already.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 5.5

An invention that could change the internet for ever
Everyone is getting excited about a new search engine, Wolfram Prime, that is THE MOST IMPORTANT NEW THING EVER and is totally going to kill Google dead, just like all the other search engines that have killed Google. What can this one do? Work things out "on the fly", whatever that means, and is "curated" by experts. The strike against it: it's totally useless when dealing with pop culture, ensuring no one will use it. It's probably also terrible at finding porn. It's going to be unveiled later this month and will have failed by the following month.

Court sends Janet Jackson case back for review
Want to know why this country is hopeless? We're still litigating the national horror that was Janet Jackson's exposed titty at the 2004 Super Bowl. The dispute over nipple based FCC fines for nine-sixteenths of one second has reached the Supreme Court...which sent it back down to the federal appeals. Dred Scott was decided in less time. Though honestly, I do hope to eventually read Scalia's scholarly legal reasoning on nipples, nipple rings, and the musical stylings of one Justin Timberlake. I'm sure it'll be hilarious.

Joe The Plumber Slurs Gay People: I Would Never Let "Queers" Near My Children
The man keeps on giving. In one paragraph he moves from explaining why "queer" isn't a slur, it's OK for him to use the word "queer", that the first example of racism he can think of is black people calling white people "honky", his God and Constitution based belief in "no homos" getting up in his marriage, and then finished with his declaration that he totally has gay friends and that they knew and were cool with the fact that Joe wouldn't let them near his children because he assumed all gays are pederasts. Joe, this is God speaking: Run for office.

Art historians claim Van Gogh's ear 'cut off by Gauguin'
Art's most famous self mutilation may not have been a disturbing act of "love" towards a prostitute. It was probably just the result of a drunken sword fight in front of a brothel between Vincent Van Gogh and a syphilitic Paul Gauguin that they then attempted to cover up for some reason. You learn something new every day. I learned that art history is waaay more interesting than I had originally thought. Way more drunks, syphilis, and whore fueled swordfights than normal history.

Warren Ellis: Column 02
Warren Ellis has important news for you in his new Wired UK column: the US government has developed a robot that can and will eat anything and everything for fuel. It is dubbed EATR and will be our doom. Though he has identified a new growth business sector and a new apocalypse to fear: Anti-carnivorous-robot security for the impending Robochompocalypse.

Of Atlantis and Anacondas

OMG! Did Google Earth find Atlantis?
When trolling the oceanographical floorography on Google maps an man, purported to be someone with enough time on his hands to look at ocean topography on Google Maps, saw a what appeared to be a gridded network about the size of Wales on the ocean floor just off the coast of Africa. It was immediately apparent what this man saw: ATLANTA ATLANTIS!!!!!!!! Duh! There is no other explanation. Except for the one Google gave about it being sonar remnants from their ocean floor mapping they did for Google Earth 5.0....which they did in grids. Or the fact that Plato's opium induced deranged ramblings scholarly works described Atlantis as a series of concentric circles.

I think we all know what's going on here. Coverup!!!!! Google wants Atlantis to themselves. This is how it all ends, first Google gets Atlantis, then the Bermuda Triangle, then Nessie, then Bigfoot, then they start genetically breeding them and arming them with the retro-futuristic technology of Atlantis and the ships and planes from the BT. Worrying about Skynet is for amateurs. Worry about Google branded Bigfoots in 1942 fighters with laser guns.

Photograph shows 'giant snake' lurking in Borneo river
Thinking of traveling to Indonesia for a nice vacation? Good, I just hope you like getting eaten by hundred foot long snakes with dagger teeth. They caught a photo of the giant beast as it enjoyed a nice swim down the river to eat a village of cute children. The Telegraph isn't sure if it is really a giant snake, perhaps a boat, or even.....a fake, but they are willing to publish it and run it. Inconclusive aerial photography strikes again!! Already the villagers are terrified, dubbing it Nabau, and will be worshiping it imminently.

I just hope this has given you a proper fear of rivers. Oceans are the domain of giant fucking sharks, rivers are the domain of giant fucking water snakes......and also sharks that swim upstream. Christ, here in Pittsburgh, we've got three rivers. There could be three massive snakes patrolling the waters as we speak, dragging yinzers to their deaths. Stay safe, stay vigilant. The snakes can't eat us all.