Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Broken News: Congressional Republicans declare opposition to gravity, kittens

WASHINGTON--Following a week that saw a unanimous GOP vote against President Obama's watered-down economic stimulus package, House Republicans today formally declared their intention to oppose anything and everything, regardless of the situation.

"Far left radicals have seized control of all three branches of the federal government," bellowed House Minority Leader John Boehner at an afternoon press conference. "Therefore we have no choice but to offer real leadership in the form of principled opposition to everything."

When asked what purpose such unyielding obstructionism might serve, Boehner tersely responded, "We do not recognize the legitimacy of the press and I am therefore under no requirement to answer it."

A brief and unpleasant exchange quickly followed, a portion of which included the following:
Reporter: You mean, sir, that you have no intention of answering any questions?

Boehner: What questions? I haven't heard any questions.

Reporter: Are you making a joke, sir?

Boehner: You know full well that the Republican party does not recognize the existence of humor.
Sources close to the minority leader report he currently compiling a comprehensive list of things that Congressional Republicans will oppose in unity. While the full list will not be available for at least a week, initial reports suggest that it will include the law of gravity, free refills, the color orange, straight-to-DVD motion pictures, arglebargle, foofaraw, Australian cattle dogs, the writings of French philosopher Nicolas Malebranche, spiral-bound notebooks, the films of Dyan Cannon, kissing on the first date, monocles, manacles, calling sandwiches ‘sammiches’, and the 1984 Milwaukee Brewers.

In a supplemental release, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that Senate Republicans would tack a rider onto the list that included opposition to continence, mental acuity, dignity, speaking without a ridiculous southern accent, possessing a discernible neck, and to doing something other than fiddling while Rome burns.

When asked why they were moving forward so aggressively with their opposition to everything, Representative Eric Cantor, the Minority Whip, responded. “Well, quite frankly Nancy Pelosi said something mean to us again. We were all waiting to get into the elevator and she stepped out, held the door, and asked if we were going down. We took that to be a declaration that she was telling us we were ‘Going down!’ and that she was going to take us down any which way she could. In addition to pretending it was a taunt we are pretending it was a disgusting insult towards one of my senior staffers, who has a child with Down’s syndrome.”

Cantor continued, “This is going to be part of our larger strategy. In addition to opposing everything were are also going to be outraged at things that didn’t happen, statements that were taken out of context, made up quotes, and government reports that never existed. I think you’ve already seen us get mad over that CBO stimulus report that didn’t exist, wait till you hear us bitch about new ones. You know the GAO report that says in order to pay for the stimulus Joe Biden is going to have to rape every American’s dog in a dingy shed out behind the White House? We’re really pissed about that one.”

In an immediate response the Democratic Caucus announced they were switching Congressional hours from 9am to 5pm to 9pm to 5am “…just to be dicks” and announced a renewed effort towards scuffing up Republicans wingtips in the coat room with repeated foot stampings and kicks. A spokesman for Assistant Majority Leader Senator Dick Durbin also observed that Cantor’s position as “Minority Whip” intimated his racial animus towards the black and Latino communities.

Republicans hope to have the full plan rolled out by the end of the week and the feeling inside the caucus is that they will have completely pulled the entirety of government down onto themselves by early May.

No comments: