Silver linings

"Good news everyone!"

I know we're all worried about jobs and the economy. The former now that another 700,000 are likely to be added to the lazy peasant bread lines and decadent soup kitchen dinners that a couple million of our spoiled American brethren have been living like kings on lo these past months.

Don't worry. Because things are picking up.... for the assholes that ruined the economy in the first place.

While much of the country remains fixated on the bleak employment picture, hiring is beginning to pick up in the place that led the economy into recession — Wall Street.

The shift underscores the remarkable recovery of the biggest banks and brokerage firms since Washington rescued them in the fall of 2008, and follows the huge rebound in profits for members of the New York Stock Exchange, which totaled $61.4 billion in 2009, the most ever.

Warms the fucking cockles of your heart, doesn't it?

I'm just glad that we don't have to see sad, struggling, 26 year-olds who used to be making high six figures now scraping by on low six figures. Ordering house wines, ordering drinks by the glass instead of bottle service at the club, wearing off the rack Armani, and buying a BMW 128i. WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE CHEAPEST MODEL BMW MAKES!

Things are getting better for them and I, for one, will sleep easier at night. I'm sure it's all going to come around soon for the rest of us.

Sorry to everyone whose sarcasm detectors I just broke.

Broken News: Protest banners usher in new era of peace, prosperity

The protest banner many are saying ushered in a new era of global action and political responsibility

NEW YORK—In what has been a surprising addendum to last week's G20 summit in Pittsburgh, many of the Presidents and Prime Ministers who attended the global forum gathered today at the UN to announce that for once they were going to act on all the promises that were made and start making serious progress towards reforming many of society’s ills. But what was most surprising about today’s events was the reason these dignitaries and leaders gave for deciding to finally make that change: the widespread protests, riots, and demonstrations that again accompanied a gathering of the world’s elite.

“I think it was when I saw that large banner unfurled on one of Pittsburgh’s many bridges,” observed Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, referring to the Danger: Climate Destruction Ahead sign hung by Greenpeace. “I mean sure, we all knew that climate change was a serious issue. But when the problem was so succinctly summarized in a sarcastic banner made to look like a warning label, it was then I knew that action needed to be taken.”

“Plus,” he added, as other leaders nodded in agreement. “I’m a big fan of bridge rappelling as a device for social and economic change.”

It was at this point that others stepped forward to tell what protest moment had personally touched them.

“For me, it was when I saw a guy wearing a black mask and looking like he just got out of ska band practice wave around a sign that said 'Abolish Money',” said German Prime Minister Andrea Merkel. “Instead of thinking it was perhaps the most sad and pathetic thing I’d ever seen or how the man probably had his parents buy him a plane ticket and drive him from his upper class suburban residence to the airport to be able to come here and protest, I thought about how we had failed to make economic fairness a big enough priority. Thank you, Abolish Money guy, we just never thought of it before.”

Prime Minister Merkel's sentiments were common amongst the world leaders. Several confessed that many of the placards, banners, and angry chants contained ideas that no one in government at any level had ever thought to consider before.

“I mean, ‘Don’t bailout fat cats’?” an exasperated Gordon Brown of the UK asked. “It had just never occurred to me! Brilliant! Same goes for the suggestions that we increase regulation and oversight. I mentioned it to President Obama and he seemed dumbstruck. Furthermore, as we’re finding out, it seems that getting these new laws enacted and passed is a relatively simple matter, seeing as there are no competing political ideologies within our countries, nor any feuding economic or social interests with our legislators in their pockets.”

“Unbelievable,” Brown said, laughing as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized all of this. “Governing really is as easy as all these protesters seem to believe it is.”

For others, it was the violence of the weekend that made the greatest difference.

“When I saw how willing the protesters were to bust out the windows of an Arby’s, recklessly destroy property, and deliberately provoke and attack police, I knew they were serious about their beliefs,” said Prime Minister Recep Erdogan of Turkey, still clearly moved by the events.

“I mean sure, some cynical people might say they were just selfish egotists deliberately destroying things and getting themselves arrested in order to head back to their liberal arts colleges and talk about ‘how real shit got at the G20’ to their classmates. Or that their naive and dimwitted political philosophies wouldn’t be fit to run a country larger than a parking lot grilled cheese stand at a Phish concert, but I know differently. I saw the Arby’s storefront."

Added Erdogan, "With my own two eyes, man.”

The press conference ended when one reporter asked if the G20 would be bringing in some of the protest leaders to help formulate policies and strategies and the world leaders, bursting at the seams, broke out into what seemed to be long contained and stifled laughter.

“Fuck no,” cried out Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. “It was all useless posturing that changed nothing. The world is a complicated place and it’s difficult to get things changed on a large enough scale when you don’t have half-wits outside getting tear gassed while you make an honest attempt to do so. We suggest they all grow up.”

President Obama smiled and pointed to the assembled media “God, ‘protests changing something’” he guffawed. “Admit it, we totally had you fooled. I can’t believe you bought that bullshit. Now if you’ll excuse all of us, we have to go run the world according to the way it really works. Which is almost too depressing to think about. Fuck off.”

Pictures of the day

The best in crazy and sarcastic protest signs from granitepic's photos of New Hampshire health care protests. The cute kids almost make me believe the government is gonna kill grandma.

Quote of the day

Hey, anybody hear anything about this Michael Vick thing? I heard he signed with the Eagles but I haven't been able to find any other mention of it on radio, TV, print, or the internet. I thought someone would cover it.

Oh, Pittsburgh sports afficionado Dave Dameshek of ESPN gave it a mention

Vick: "I paid my debt; I spent 2 years in prison." Would've been cute if he'd finished the thought with: "That's 14 years in dog years."

Would've been enough to win me over to his side.

Now they're getting cocky

I don't think the election thieving leaders are feeling too threatened by the protests and clashes going on in their streets. I mean they must either be completely oblivious or confident of the outcome. Otherwise they wouldn't have the time to send out sarcastically critical press releases and waste the Italian Ambassador's time by calling him to a meeting to discuss the freedom smashing going on at the G8. I think Ahmadinejad is just jealous that that Iran wasn't even invited to G20 meetings. He really wanted to see Pittsburgh.

A Foreign Ministry statement included Iran's "strong condemnation" of the "suppressive actions…which are clear breaches of civil freedoms and fundamentals of democracy."

The Foreign Ministry's Director for West European Relations 'condemned the use of violence by Italian police against protesters and opponents of the Group of Eight industrialized nations (G8) Summit in the city of L'Aquila, and demanded the compliance of the Italian government with its international obligations'.

Chief among the concerns of the Iranian Foreign Ministry was the use of too-bright flares by the police, one of the protesters being referred to as a "dirty hippie", and one report of the denting of a oversized papier-mâché head in the shape of Nicolas Sarkozy.

But you've got to appreciate the balls of Iran here. Do you think Iranian leaders were actually beating on a protester when they thought this press release up? Each raining baton blows down on some poor man when Khamenei says "Wouldn't it be hilarious if..." and then Ahmadinejad finishes with "...we blamed Italy for all the stuff we're doing!" Then they share a laugh and go revoke some more basic human rights. I blame Mousavi and the protesters. Sure they've dented the Guardian Council's sense of control, safety, legitimacy, and leadership, but what have they done to puncture their sense of humor and tactical sarcasm deployment? Nothing. I'm disappointed in you, Iranian Revolution.

Broken In Brief: Passengers report extra layers of condescension in stewardesses’ pre-flight safety demos

NEW YORK—With the recent harrowing yet successful water landing of a US Airways flight 1549 into the Hudson River a new emphasis has been placed on both passenger safety as well as crew preparedness. But passengers now report that with the successful landing and rescue of those 155 passengers, flight crews around the US have taken a new, some would say snottier and condescending tone, to the traditional pre-flight safety awareness demonstrations.

“Yeah, I’m not sure exactly how to describe it,” observed Southwest passenger Harry Edson. “It was sort of a ‘Maybe you dumb motherfuckers ought to pay attention to this since it might have just saved 155 lives.’ combined with an ‘I bet you used to think this was all needless bullshit and that any water landing would no doubt result in a plane smashing into the ocean an 600 miles an hour, killing you instantly. Shows what the fuck you know.’ But it was never verbal, you could just sort of tell from the looks they were giving and the sort of sarcastic and demeaning way they were doing the exit pointing and life vest demo. You should have seen the looks they flashed during the ‘seat back can be used as a flotation device’ part.”

Phone calls to Southwest were not returned. Later the FAA released a statement proclaiming that while airlines “reaaaaaaaaally appreciated” the increased scrutiny on the tone and demeanor of their flight crews and that they wouldn’t have time to answer any questions in person or over the phone seeing as they were “…too fucking busy spending every single goddamn day getting 6,000 88 ton hunks of metal with jets strapped to them to partake in the miracle of human flight.”

They further added that if we had any more concerns on their attempts to save our wretched lives in the event of a accident that we could write it on a piece of paper and stick it up our asses, then noted they hoped we had a nice drive home. Attached to the press release were several pages of statistics on the rate of car accidents and the rate of plane accidents with several of the more eye popping figures underlined and circled.