The billion dollar fun palace opens

US Inaugurates New $700 Million Embassy In Baghdad

The United States inaugurated its largest embassy ever in the heart of the Green Zone on Monday, officially opening the fortress-like compound that was built as a testament to America's commitment to Iraq.

Addressing an inauguration ceremony under tight security, Ambassador Ryan Crocker said the $700 million embassy was testimony to America's long-term friendship with Iraq, where about 146,000 U.S. troops are deployed.

"From this embassy in the years to come, we look forward to building our partnership and contributing to the future," Crocker said.

Iraqi's were so excited that they set off five simultaneous celebration fireworks displays located directly in cars, surrounding people, at various random points in Baghdad including a Shiite shrine. The fortified compound embassy is state of the art and contains so many necessary daily amenities, like housing, gyms, pools, restaurants, guards, and a marine battalion so that no one stationed at the embassy will ever have to venture into Iraq for any reason. Never ever ever ever ever. That place is fucking dangerous.

Of course our future partnership with Iraq will consist of us awkwardly coughing, then slowly backing out of the country while shrugging and nervously laughing. Our leaving will be heralded by the Iraqi's until they realize the job we did training their police and army. By that time we'll have moved America and left no forwarding address.

But in case you were wondering, yes Virginia, we did build a monument to our failure. It cost $700 million and is the world's only hubris themed amusement park.