Justice! (Note: May not contain actual justice)

I must have read the New York Times piece on this Interior Department's "oil-for-sex/ blow/ Houston Texans tickets" ten times before falling asleep last night. I credit my first pleasant dreams in weeks to this report. Seriously, this thing reads like some epic Aaron Spelling sex poem adapted for WB primetime.

Trouble is, I can't decide on a favorite part, on that one transcendent moment of immorality that trumps all others. Courtesy of Abramoff, Delay, Frist, etc., we've all long since grown accustomed to favor-trading via golf junket. And as much as I get off on the shady backroom consulting gigs, the bubble baths and the Toby Keith concerts I am, frankly, at a loss to identify the juiciest morsel.

But wait, what's this? Two high-ranking program officials caught with their hand/penis in the cookie jar? Why whatever did they do?

One of them is Ms. Denett, who oversaw the Denver-based royalty-in-kind program from Washington. The report contends that she manipulated the contracting process to steer the consulting work to Mr. Mayberry, her friend and former special assistant.

Interesting. And how did she go about that?

In late 2002, when he was about to retire, Mr. Mayberry drafted a “statement of work” for a consulting contract to perform essentially identical functions to his own. He then retired, started a company, and in June 2003 won the contract with the help of Ms. Denett and Milton Dial, another friend at the agency.

Tasty! And who was the other asshole?

The other high-ranking official... is Gregory W. Smith, the former program director of the royalty-in-kind program. Mr. Smith worked in Colorado and reported to Ms. Denett.

Oh, New York Times, tell me more...

The report accused Mr. Smith of improperly accepting gifts from the oil and gas industry, of engaging in sex with two subordinates and of using cocaine that he purchased from his secretary or her boyfriend several times a year between 2002 and 2005. He sometimes asked for the drugs and received them in his office during work hours, the report said.

The report also said that Mr. Smith lied to investigators about these and other incidents, and that he urged the two women subordinates to mislead the investigators as well.

Wow. The Justice Department is going to have a field day with this one, right?

But two of the highest-ranking officials who were subjects of the investigations will apparently escape penalty. Both retired during the investigation, rendering them safe from any administrative punishment, and the Justice Department has declined to prosecute them on the charges suggested by the inspector general.

Wait, what... what the fuck? Where's Justice on this? Some Type-A power suit careerist could make it to the next pay scale by prosecuting this. I ask again, where is the JD?

A Justice Department spokeswoman, Laura Sweeney, declined to explain why prosecutors chose not to bring charges against Ms. Denett or Mr. Smith, citing departmental policy.

My sincere apologies, both to our readers and the Justice Department. I had forgotten that departmental policy dictated not prosecuting business criminals, particularly those associated in any way with the oil industry.

As you were.