Broken in Brief: Bloggers Seek to Delay Blogging Amid Financial Crisis

PITTSBURGH/NEW YORK--World-renowned bloggers, Matthew and Sean, creators and editors of These Bastards, have announced their intention to stop blogging until the current financial crisis has been resolved.

Citing intractable differences between a pair of homeless guys and the owner of the store in front of which they were arguing, the pair elected to suspend their three-month-old campaign of spraying high-proof piss all over everything you've ever held dear in favor of observing a somber moment and formulating a plan that will allow our stupid fucking socialism-for-the-rich economy to continue forever.

"Get the fuck out of our way, McCain. We’re going to save America first!” said Matthew, from a phone in the closet of Henry Paulson’s house. “For the sake of the country we are going to focus on what’s important to the American people: giving multi-national corporations untold billions with no accountability or oversight. My plan involves a ‘to the death’ tournament between all the CEO’s who want bailout money. No holds barred, bring your own truncheon. Then, when everyone’s looking at John Mack garroting Charles Schwab in the Circle of Blood, we steal the $700 billion and hightail it to an undisclosed location, forcing Congress to concoct another bailout scheme. It’s not so much a plan as an elaborate, spiteful fuckover/murder/theft.” He then made a cryptic reference to it being time to ‘carve the Christmas goose’ before the sound of a door being kicked open, knife play, human shrieking, and a dial tone was heard.

"Whatever it is you people eventually accomplish, just make sure I get mine," said Sean before placing his head gingerly back on the bar. From somewhere around his elbow/bicep/armpit area, he screamed, "All I know is, these pricks are playing ticky-tacky with my tax revenue and I've been holding on to a satchel of pipe bombs for fucking months. Do you have any idea how many sample sales I walk past every day? I figure, hey, skinny limbs don't cause as much damage when they hit bystanders. But no, Matt keeps telling me to bide my time."

When pressed to address the supposedly dire financial crisis, Sean continued, "Oh, the pinstripes? Yeah, I throw down with some of them every Thursday. They drink like weak-kneed Sicilian grandmothers but don't fight nearly as well. If you see Donnie, tell him he owes me another defense of Say's Law and a sixer of Optimator, or I'll kick his fucking ass."