Broken In Brief: Life Coach Commits Suicide

LOS ANGELES--Renowned author, television personality and Life Coach, Herm McCabe, was found dead in his Burbank home earlier today, an apparent victim of self-immolation. This, as has been noted by lead investigators, is ironic considering McCabe’s most famous motivational line of “harnessing the fire within.” Investigators are unsure as of press time just how much, if any, self-referential humor McCabe wanted to pack into his suicide. The 56 year-old McCabe, whose "Chin Up Chin-Ups" line of life-improvement videos, literature, poorly Xeroxed pamphlets, sandwich boards, speaking tours, cruise sponsorships, and beer coasters was an inspiration to dozens, left no note.

McCabe, 56, was born in Des Moines, Iowa, to Arthur and Lily McCabe, a househusband and machinist, respectively. McCabe ran away at the young age of 16 and, after traversing the country for six years as an acrobat with Ringling Brothers, settled in Chicago for a time and became a member of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company, where some say he performed the definitive Fortinbras to John Malkovich’s Hamlet. A mere half-decade later McCabe set out for Los Angeles, where several years of failed auditions led him to deep alcoholic depression, and eventual rebirth as the "Man with the upper-body plan." It was through this business venture that he met such luminaries as Cory Feldman and Corbin Bernsen, both of whom bankrolled McCabe in return for career advice.

Recent years saw McCabe turn inward as the prevailing Los Angeles commercial fitness philosophy began to shift from muscularity and substance abuse to anorexia and substance abuse. Once referred to as "a poet philosopher" by former Poison front-man, Brett Michaels, McCabe is survived by two hairless pomeranians named Lookie and Dookie, as well as a box turtle only ever referred to as "The Him."