Broken In Brief: Government announces bailout of Me

BROOKLYN--In yet another landmark move, United States Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson announced today that the federal government would intervene to prevent my complete financial collapse. Deemed "too big to fail" by Mr. Paulson, I am to be rescued by a federal infusion of an undisclosed amount of cash meant to offset losses incurred by the treacherous combination of New York City residency, crippling student loan debt, and a credit card maxed out by egregious bar and travel tabs brought about by questionable dating strategies and a weakness for skinny brunettes.

Upon hearing the news, financial experts were unanimously negative in their appraisal. "I know I'm not alone in wondering who the hell this asshole is and what makes it necessary for the US government to intervene," said David Woo, London-based global head of foreign-exchange strategy at Barclays. This sentiment was echoed by U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., chairman of the House Finance Committee, who called for more government oversight and, "Some common fucking sense, people."

Mr. Paulson was firm in the face of criticism. Speaking today in the White House Rose Garden alongside Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, Paulson stated, "[My] fiscal solvency is critical to the stability of the US, nay, the world economy," adding, "any hesitation in rescuing [me] from the financial repercussions of a series of foolish and easily avoidable expenditures would only exacerbate an already deepening fiscal crisis."