Broken News: Dying teen considered "not inspirational, kind of depressing"

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Last year when Kenny Barrett, 15, was diagnosed with a terminal case of Haber’s Syndrome, the local community rallied around the story of a youth who was not letting death get in the way of providing hope and inspiration to his friends and family. Now, with the end near, many of those same friends and family say Kenny is no longer inspiring, that his messages of “Hope,” once filled with moving dreams of the future, are now littered with depressing and morbid ruminations on his own mortality.

“Christ, it's dismal,” observed Sam Harker, Barrett's classmate and friend. “Kenny used to talk about leaving a legacy of hope and perseverance. He got a kick out of telling troubled kids to make the most of their lives, because they were going to have opportunities he never would. Now? We go out and he just sits in the corner of the party, mumbling about ‘What’s it matter anyway? I’m going to be dead in 3 months.’ And I'm like, 'Fuck, man, I just asked if you wanted a Coke or a Snapple, no need to go all Morrissey on me.'”

Lately Barrett has been unable to feign even the most basic level of enthusiasm that so many previously took as a personal sign of encouragement. The conventional wisdom around town suggested that if the dying kid still had hope, maybe eating a hollow point over your spouse’s persisting infidelities wasn’t the only remaining option. However, with Barrett’s newfound attitude, suicide levels in the community are already beginning to creep up.

Dr. Patrick Sullivan, clinical psychologist and author of If Cancer Boy Can Smile, So Can You, You Fucking Wretch explained, “Look, we knew suicide rates were going to inch up when this kid kicked it. Once the really pathetic people lose the ability to say ‘Well at least I don’ have it as bad as the dying teen. If he's rolling with it, so can I’, they tend to take that last step into the abyss. Or hang themselves. Either way, really.”

“Now that people see Barrett without his familiar cheery outlook on life’s foibles, they’re beginning to question the basic concept of hope. If they don’t have this kid to totemize as the recipient of all their self-obsessive feelings of pity then they quickly turn those feelings inward. It’s all in my book, now in paperback, for only $15.95. Can you put an Amazon hyperlink into the online version of this?”

But why the sudden change in attitude? While some would naturally point to Barrett's impending death as something that would make him reassess his outlook on life, others are pointing the finger at the symptoms of the disease itself, not its mortal consequence.

Haber’s Syndrome is a rare disease occurring in 1 out of every 25.5 million births. It typically manifests in children born to third cousins exposed to a 30/70 ratio of peyote and Johnny Walker Red Label during birth. The symptoms include loss of bowel control in the presence of attractive girls, sores in the shape of racist symbols, male pattern baldness, grey pubic hair, a pungent mustard-like odor, and complete organ liquidation.

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad, but I think that if his heart was really in it he could just muddle through the open sores in the shape of swastikas and give the people the emotional validation they need” said Barret's father and agent, Ken Sr. “I mean, even organizations that deal solely with dying kids are getting creeped out by Kenny. Make a Wish Came by to ask him what he wanted to do... and he said he wanted to curb stomp Sam Brownback for opposing stem cell legislation. I figured he would say he wanted to meet Tom Brady or David Ortiz like all the other deathbed kids around here. Murdering a US Senator, no matter how deserving, isn’t inspirational.”

He paused before adding, “This whole Obama thing isn’t helping matters either.”

Some point to the rise of the Democratic candidate for President, with his message of hope and his inspiring speeches as one of the main factors in Barrett's deepening depression. As he posted on his blog, Hopeblog, last month:

If some ‘normie’ can walk around inspiring people without a horrific disease, what use am I? I’m inspiring people by showing courage in the face of death, he’s inspiring people by wanting to be president. What kind of fucked up world is this where those two things are on par with each other? FUCK!! He even stole my ‘Hope’ slogan.

This revelation led to a McCain campaign radio ad, played throughout the greater Boston area, featuring Barrett’s name and words in an attempt to blame Senator Obama for Haber’s Syndrome and destroying the lives of inspirational teens. McCain hopes the ad will gain him ground among two key Massachusetts swing groups, Jai-Alai moms and NASCAR taxidermists, those traditionally believed to be the most susceptible to the exploitation of dying children.

With each passing day, Barrett is alienating more and more of the people he used to motivate. Most of his audience walked out of the Framingham Jaycees Fun Night after Barrett's speech on making the most out of what time you have left devolved into acidic meditations on the existence of the afterlife, the non-existence of God, and the reading of a list of people -- many of whom were in the room at the time -- whom Barrett thought deserved Haber’s Syndrome more than him.

While some are hoping Barrett will regain that spark of inspiration that brought joy to so many, others are simply banking on the rapid liquidation of his major internal organs. Be it a drum major with monkey pox, the valedictorian with an inoperable tumor at the base of her neck, or the cheerleader with AIDSbola, this sleepy community of Massholes is eagerly awaiting the next teen with an unbearable malady to give them the comfort and reassurance their fragile, empty lives so desperately need.