Broken In Brief: Statistically speaking, nobody noticed

WASHINGTON--Four separate national polls confirmed today that, in spite of myriad challenges to the physical well-being, social solvency, and intellectual advancement of the human race, nobody much gave a shit. A Gallup tracking poll covering the period of August 30 to September 1 indicated that 7% of those surveyed were "very concerned" with the "apocalyptic downward spiral of civilization, with 24% "kind of OK with it," and 68% "wondering when 30 Rock was going to start up again." 1% fell asleep during the poll, after which a telecast of "WWE Raw" could be heard in the background.

Both a Rasmussen and CBS News poll confirmed the findings, with the latter adding a separate category: Too Old to Understand (4%). Statisticians pointed to the lone dissenter, in the form of a Reuters poll conducted over the same time period which chose to delineate between the roughly 2/3 "Don't give a shit," offering options such as "Only while drunk" (22%), "If a girl is around" (11%), and "Whatever my boss says during this lunch" (35%). When asked to comment, Zogby poll representatives were too busy masturbating with slide rules to offer their own findings.