Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Our Betters: The Vice-President offers to help raise some money for a good cause



Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: So, yeah, I’m going to need you to move those last two meetings around.


White House Personal Secretary Katie Johnson: Will do, Mr. Emanuel.

Emanuel: Then I’m going to need you to set up a meeting with Majority Leader Reid and House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank. We have some Financial Reform conference committee strategies to go over.

Johnson: I’ll schedule it for tomorrow sir.

Emanuel: Just one more thing…

Johnson: …OK

Emanuel: This time you have blocked out on my schedule..

Johnson: …Erm

Emanuel: It seems to go from now to either 15 minutes from now or seven hours from now, and has a bunch of question marks all over it. Plus there’s this cartoon drawing of what looks like a demented devil in a straight jacket, drinking out of one of those cartoon moonshine jugs with the three x’s on the side…

Johnson: You see, the thing about that is…

(dives out the window into the bushes)

Emanuel: Oh God, you didn’t. You rotten bitch! You didn’t!

(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)

Emanuel: Shit.

(door flies open)

Biden smilin

Vice-President Joe Biden: Rahmmy! I'd walk a million miles… For one of your smiles, My Rahmmy! Rahmmy-- Rahmmy, I'm comin'!

Emanuel: *sighs* Sir, that’s a little offensive.

Biden: Kid, I knew Al Jolson. Hell of a man. Literally taught me that song. Except I changed out Mammy for your name! You see what I did there.

(aggressively motions towards Emanuel, ice and bourbon spilling out of his glass)

Emanuel: …Yes. Surely you didn’t come here to sing an old, racist Al Jolson song to me.

Biden: Naw..... not entirely. Sorry I'm late. Was visiting the US World Cup team with Bubba and Barry, pretending to give a shit about soccer. It's a pastime of mine. Bill kept going on an on about their shoes, God love him. I finally just had to leave him.... I think he was going to try to fuck one of the players. Barry was trying to pry him off of Landon Donovan... Anyway, I have big things to discuss, Rahm. Big things. Hey, was that Flo that I saw diving out of the window into the bushes?

Emanuel: Yes…

Biden: Hell of a girl. God love her. Gotta remind myself to thank her for penciling me in here. It took a few weeks but I finally wore her down. I remember her crying with joy as she yelled to me that she was putting me on your schedule.

Emanuel: That poor woman. So what’s this ‘big news’ you’re here for?

Biden: Ah yes. It’s come to my attention that my reputation for using salty language in the vicinity of microphones during important ceremonies and in front of children when cameras are rolling has been of some considerable financial boon to this White House. Ducats. I’m talking piles of money, Rahm.

Emanuel: I assume you’re referring to those health care “Big Fucking Deal” shirts we’re selling?

Biden: The very same. Gotta ask, what’s that money being used for anyway?

Emanuel: Mostly for Organizing For America… and other… special projects…

Biden: Like what?

Emanuel: *coughs*cybortions*coughs*

Biden: Barry’s robot abortionist project? Outstanding.

(Emanuel taps nose, nods)

Biden: Anywho, I figure that makes me the official White House sloganeer. I figure I’ll spitball some new catchphrases and we can whip up some t-shirts and really start pulling in the coin. You know, let me apply myself creatively and help out some good causes. Hell, I’ve even been shootin’ some phrases at Flo over the past few weeks to see if they catch on and play with the kids.

(looks around)

Biden: Flo? FLO!

Johnson: (weakly, from the azalea bushes) Yes, Mr. Vice-President.

Biden: Have any of my phrases caught on with you kids? I’ve been workin’ ‘em into all my speeches and forcing my grandkids to use ‘em in public.

Johnson: I don’t know… could someone call a gardener?

Biden: What about ‘bean shooter’? Anyone using that? “Wise guy’? “Clambake’? “Schnook’? “Bee’s knees’? ‘Sawbuck’? ‘The gibbet’? “Tinker’s cuss’? “Queer as a three dollar bill’?

Johnson: Not that I can recall.

Biden: Aw hell, those kind of phrases were the cat’s pajamas when I was growin’ up in Scranton. I can’t believe these aren’t catching on. I just thank God my beloved mother has been struck stone cold dead, so she couldn’t see me fail like this. God love her and the timeliness of her death.

Emanuel: Look, if this is it… I have some meetings with the National Association of Teachers, and--

Biden: Teachers? I have a “meeting” “scheduled” with a teacher later on, if you know what I mean.

(leers suggestively at Rahm)

Biden: Sex. With my wife. Who is a teacher. Been sleeping with her for years. She’s also a doctor. Been sleepin’ with a doctor for years. Sexually. Name’s Jill. Got three jobs. Teacher. Doctor. Keepin’ Papa happy in the sack.

Emanuel: You really need to stop saying that in public.

Biden: Me and sleepin’ with a teacher… goes together like tits and grits.

Emanuel: Actually, I’ll stop you. “Tits and grits”. I like that. I might put it in my swear rotation. Might only cause the President to dock me a buck for saying it. You come up with that?

Biden: Hell, I’d like to claim ownership, but that phrase dates all the way back to General Stonewall Jackson. On his tombstone. “Tits and grits, the South will rise again. General Stonewall Jackson 1931-1976.

Emanuel: He could not have possibly said that, had it carved onto his tombstone, and those clearly aren’t the dates of his birth and death. What are you talking about?

Biden: Stonewall Jackson. Fullback. 1966 Baltimore Colts.

Emanuel: I don’t think that man existed.

biden staring space

Biden: Who the hell am I thinking of?

Emanuel: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Your mind is a tortured thicket of madness.

Biden: Outstanding. Look, since you like the phrase so much, we can literally start printing up these t-shirts and start literally printing up money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Emanuel: I don’t think that’s such a good--

Biden: We’ll give the money to breast cancer research and the society of coarsely-ground corn manufacturers.

Emanuel: No, this is an awful…

Biden: I’ll get Barry, tell him the good news. We're doin' good work here, people! Flo!

Johnson: (from the azaleas) Help!

Biden: You call up and get me a estimate on printing costs. Rahm?

Emanuel: *sighing* Yeah…

biden disbelief

Biden: Let’s do this thing. For charity.

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