Kim Jong-Il is a reactionary sort

The United States' World Cup dreams over and the team having completed its mission of losing in a disappointing manner a full step or two before interest in the sport could fully take hold in this country. And so America checks out of the World Cup and our players return to a life of anonymity, playing for teams with weird names in Dutch leagues, and continually getting called Landycakes. As it was meant to be.

But we aren't alone and are in fact more forgiving to our losers. The Italians have spent the last week screaming "Mamma Mia" and clutching-a their pizza pie-a sauce-a over the Azzuri's disappointing exit in the group stages. France has fired up a government inquiry and declared the team a national disgrace after their complete petulant meltdown. England has taken a break from their normal behavior of heaping unrelenting pressure and criticism on the team in an attempt to drive the players to suicide to fully concentrating on heaping unrelenting pressure and criticism on the team in an attempt to drive the players to suicide.

And then there's the North Korean side.

Moon Ki-Nam, a former North Korean coach who fled the country in 2004, told AP: "The players and coach are rewarded with huge houses when they win.

Oh, that's nice. Wait... they didn't win. They got killed. Portugal is still scoring goals on them.

"But they have to atone for losing by being sent to work in the coal mines."

"The families of the players have reportedly been under close observation in North Korea during the tournament. Well informed Japanese secret service circles believe that the danger of severe punishment for the players is very real."

Ah, the coal mines. I guess the salt mines and the acid mines are for dissidents and Olympic failures. Sure, that might be what they did the last time North Korea made the Cup in 1966, but this is 2010. Surely they'll be mining fissile material to build an atomic bomb to deal with what Kim Jong-Il declared to be the persistent and hostile threat from the US and South Korea. Maybe they won't have to go to the mines if we end up forking over the $65 trillion in war damages that Kim has demanded we pay.

So, just be glad US team. You weren't in danger of hard labor, but our collective disinterest in soccer has meant you'll avoid the ritual shaming of our European brethren. Maybe you knew what you were doing when you short circuited your run. Fuck it, put Ricardo Clark on a Louisiana beach cleaning up oil. Where the fuck was he on that first goal? Ghana? Unforgivable.