Freedom is too free

In Completely Horrifying Freedom News You All May Have Missed News, you know how we're all always saying that US access to the internet needs to be more like China's and other fascist/communist regimes across the world? You know, regulating access, government ability to shut down citizens access to the web, you know, that sort of thing. Well Joe Lieberman heard your cries.

The Protecting Cyberspace as a National Asset Act would allow the President to disconnect Internet networks and force private websites to comply with broad cybersecurity measures.

Future US presidents would have their Internet "kill switch" powers renewed indefinitely.
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“For all of its ‘user-friendly’ allure, the Internet can also be a dangerous place with electronic pipelines that run directly into everything from our personal bank accounts to key infrastructure to government and industrial secrets," Lieberman said in a release announcing his bill. "Our economic security, national security and public safety are now all at risk from new kinds of enemies -- cyber-warriors, cyber-spies, cyber-terrorists and cyber-criminals. The need for this legislation is obvious and urgent,” the Connecticut senator added.

Yes, to protect us from the warriors who are cyber... and also cyber-marauders, bit-pirates, RAM-rapists, tube goblins, and message board trolls, the President needs to be able to shut off the entire Internet. Can't you see that's the only way to protect ourselves... from the goblins? If we can't strip ourselves of freedom of speech and other things in the Bill of Rights, the terrorists will!

Now you might be saying to yourself "This sounds stupid, unnecessary, like it puts entirely too much power over information and speech into the hands of our elected betters, and is vaguely fascist in a bed-wettingly fearful manner?" T0 that Joe Liebermans says "Shut the fuck up." You don't understand how brilliant he is, how needed this is, and OH, WON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"Right now China, the government, can disconnect parts of its Internet in case of war and we need to have that here too," Lieberman told CNN's Candy Crowley on State of the Union Sunday.

"There's a lot of people out there who think that what you are granting the president is absolute power to shut down freedom of speech, that this is just over the top," Crowley said.

"No way and total misinformation," Lieberman replied. "We need this capacity in a time of war. ... Lieberman continued: "So I say to my friends on the Internet, relax. Take a look at the bill. And this is something that we need to protect our country."

I know whenever I am skeptical about government overreach by sagging cowards, the phrase "China does it too" always fills me with optimism for what is being proposed. Did you see those opening ceremonies at the Olympics? Spellbinding! Whatever China is doing, they must be doing right.

So America, the next barrel-bending-over you are going to be expected to take in the name of "freedom", "the turrists is gonna kill us", and "We are a nation at war" is your unfettered access to comical cat pictures, porn, information, pornformation, poorly written blogs, and videos of samba dancing babies. Just shut up, ignore the thing in the back of your head screaming "DANGER!!!!" and trust Joe Lieberman. Because there's one thing we've learned over the past few years is that Joe Lieberman is interested in things that make this country better.

By the way, if you have a sarcasm detector, then I'm sorry that last sentence exploded it.