Thursday, June 17, 2010

Broken News: World Cup plagued by giant insect attacks

Foreground: Diego Forlan runs for his life after his two goals in Uruguay's 3-0 defeat of South Africa attracts the attention of a group of wasps. Background: Giant fucking wasp.

CAPE TOWN-With the World Cup under way, the country has been simultaneously enthralled by the game played at its highest level and perplexed by an annoying series of buzzing noises emanating from the stands. While networks and media outlets have tried to play this off as noise coming from South African spectators, the truth is much more gruesome.

“The giant hornets… THEY RETURN!!!!,” came the screams from the masses outside of Green Point Stadium in Cape Town, pointing to the sky. “Man the horns and attempt to scare them away!”

Yes, over the past week and a half the nation of South Africa has been under attack from giant hornets, wasps, and bees the sizes of small cars.

“We sit in the stands and try to enjoy the world’s greatest sporting event and then… the hornets came,” said one harrowed spectator in the moments after a life or death battle against the eusocial wasps during Germany’s 4-0 victory against Australia. “We tried to fight them off, but they took so many back to their nests. I saw men run through with stingers the size of claymores…. And the game was a blowout as well.”

As of today there have been nearly 20 such instances of insect attacks, with as many as three to four a day expected until the end of group stage play on the 26th. While it is unsure why the hornets, wasps, and bees are attacking, they have been content to wage their battles in the upper decks of stadiums outside of traditional camera coverage but well within the range of microphones.

Only one of the attacks has happened on the lower decks, when a bumblebee the size of a Volkswagen swooped down and carried off Argentinean striker Carlos Tevez during an offensive counter-attack during their 1-0 victory against Nigeria. He is still currently missing and feared dead.

In a World Cup that has been plagued by complaints of almost laughably lax security, experts and spectators have wondered why the nation doesn’t have better defenses against large flying insects.

South African Minister for Sport Joseph Atinge was quick to defend his nation.

“Look, we may have spent most of our budget for this event of roads and stadium construction,” he said from a crouched position, swinging his arms wildly above his head. “So we forgot one or two things. We handed out large plastic horns so that our citizens might either beat the bugs away or attempt to mimic their sounds in the hopes that they will stumble onto a buzzing sounds that will repel the stinging beasts. What else do you want?”

“This is reason one that South Africa should have never been awarded the World Cup,” observed international ESPN soccer analyst Tommy Smith, himself barely recovered from having a stinger ran through his shoulder.

“We wouldn’t give the Cup to Japan for years because of fears of giant, irradiated moths and lizards. So why would be ignore the clear myths and tales surrounding these giant bees? So Africa could have its first World Cup? I’m sure that is of little concession to the thousands of spectators who are now being made into honey.”

Smith is of course referring to the stories of Perdebye, the hornet shaped Goddess of Temperance. Legend has it that she swore to the tribes of the Southern tip of Africa that she would return to cast her judgment on them in times of great frivolity and merriment.

Still, the media has been reluctant to fully tell the full story of what is happening across the country. Instead they have attempted to place blame on the spectators armed with vuvuzelas as a last line of defense and chalking up the noise as a quaint but annoying custom of the nation.

“Ah, this just goes to the general ignorance Americans have towards football,” observed Gary Linaker, a TV presenter for the BBC and former England forward.

“Maybe they’re just confused and think the hornets are part of the festivities or have something to do with why the players are allowed to touch the ball with their hands. I can tell you that getting a stinger in the jugular as a bloody great wasp carries off that lovely couple for Switzerland you were talking to is neither part of football or a South African cultural tradition. Well, not yet anyway.”

Linaker looked like he was about to continue speaking, but large ominous shadows from above and a loud humming sound on the horizon caused those in the surrounding area to seek shelter and affix crudely made body armor to themselves.

In the meantime, the South African Football Association and FIFA have advised that people keep blowing on their vuvuzelas in an attempt to finally crack the sonic code that will send the insects back to their slumber. Meanwhile spokesmen for the players have announced they will start erratically firing errant shots into the upper decks during lulls in the game in an attempt to drive some of the larger bees and wasps away. Spain has already taken the early initiative in that area.

“The blood, the buzzing, the airborne abductions, the fear, the passing…,” said Minister Atinge. “Ahh, the beautiful game.”

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