Our Betters: The Vice-President offers to help raise some money for a good cause

INT. RAHM EMANUEL’S OFFICE

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: So, yeah, I’m going to need you to move those last two meetings around.

White House Personal Secretary Katie Johnson: Will do, Mr. Emanuel.


Emanuel: Then I’m going to need you to set up a meeting with Majority Leader Reid and House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank. We have some Financial Reform conference committee strategies to go over.


Johnson: I’ll schedule it for tomorrow sir.


Emanuel: Just one more thing…


Johnson: …OK


Emanuel: This time you have blocked out on my schedule..


Johnson: …Erm


Emanuel: It seems to go from now to either 15 minutes from now or seven hours from now, and has a bunch of question marks all over it. Plus there’s this cartoon drawing of what looks like a demented devil in a straight jacket, drinking out of one of those cartoon moonshine jugs with the three x’s on the side…


Johnson: You see, the thing about that is…


(dives out the window into the bushes)


Emanuel: Oh God, you didn’t. You rotten bitch! You didn’t!


(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)


Emanuel: Shit.


(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Rahmmy! I'd walk a million miles… For one of your smiles, My Rahmmy! Rahmmy-- Rahmmy, I'm comin'!


Emanuel: *sighs* Sir, that’s a little offensive.


Biden: Kid, I knew Al Jolson. Hell of a man. Literally taught me that song. Except I changed out Mammy for your name! You see what I did there.


(aggressively motions towards Emanuel, ice and bourbon spilling out of his glass)


Emanuel: …Yes. Surely you didn’t come here to sing an old, racist Al Jolson song to me.


Biden: Naw..... not entirely. Sorry I'm late. Was visiting the US World Cup team with Bubba and Barry, pretending to give a shit about soccer. It's a pastime of mine. Bill kept going on an on about their shoes, God love him. I finally just had to leave him.... I think he was going to try to fuck one of the players. Barry was trying to pry him off of Landon Donovan... Anyway, I have big things to discuss, Rahm. Big things. Hey, was that Flo that I saw diving out of the window into the bushes?


Emanuel: Yes…


Biden: Hell of a girl. God love her. Gotta remind myself to thank her for penciling me in here. It took a few weeks but I finally wore her down. I remember her crying with joy as she yelled to me that she was putting me on your schedule.


Emanuel: That poor woman. So what’s this ‘big news’ you’re here for?


Biden: Ah yes. It’s come to my attention that my reputation for using salty language in the vicinity of microphones during important ceremonies and in front of children when cameras are rolling has been of some considerable financial boon to this White House. Ducats. I’m talking piles of money, Rahm.


Emanuel: I assume you’re referring to those health care “Big Fucking Deal” shirts we’re selling?


Biden: The very same. Gotta ask, what’s that money being used for anyway?


Emanuel: Mostly for Organizing For America… and other… special projects…


Biden: Like what?


Emanuel: *coughs*cybortions*coughs*


Biden: Barry’s robot abortionist project? Outstanding.


(Emanuel taps nose, nods)


Biden: Anywho, I figure that makes me the official White House sloganeer. I figure I’ll spitball some new catchphrases and we can whip up some t-shirts and really start pulling in the coin. You know, let me apply myself creatively and help out some good causes. Hell, I’ve even been shootin’ some phrases at Flo over the past few weeks to see if they catch on and play with the kids.


(looks around)


Biden: Flo? FLO!


Johnson: (weakly, from the azalea bushes) Yes, Mr. Vice-President.


Biden: Have any of my phrases caught on with you kids? I’ve been workin’ ‘em into all my speeches and forcing my grandkids to use ‘em in public.


Johnson: I don’t know… could someone call a gardener?


Biden: What about ‘bean shooter’? Anyone using that? “Wise guy’? “Clambake’? “Schnook’? “Bee’s knees’? ‘Sawbuck’? ‘The gibbet’? “Tinker’s cuss’? “Queer as a three dollar bill’?


Johnson: Not that I can recall.


Biden: Aw hell, those kind of phrases were the cat’s pajamas when I was growin’ up in Scranton. I can’t believe these aren’t catching on. I just thank God my beloved mother has been struck stone cold dead, so she couldn’t see me fail like this. God love her and the timeliness of her death.


Emanuel: Look, if this is it… I have some meetings with the National Association of Teachers, and--


Biden: Teachers? I have a “meeting” “scheduled” with a teacher later on, if you know what I mean.

(leers suggestively at Rahm)

Biden: Sex. With my wife. Who is a teacher. Been sleeping with her for years. She’s also a doctor. Been sleepin’ with a doctor for years. Sexually. Name’s Jill. Got three jobs. Teacher. Doctor. Keepin’ Papa happy in the sack.


Emanuel: You really need to stop saying that in public.


Biden: Me and sleepin’ with a teacher… goes together like tits and grits.


Emanuel: Actually, I’ll stop you. “Tits and grits”. I like that. I might put it in my swear rotation. Might only cause the President to dock me a buck for saying it. You come up with that?


Biden: Hell, I’d like to claim ownership, but that phrase dates all the way back to General Stonewall Jackson. On his tombstone. “Tits and grits, the South will rise again. General Stonewall Jackson 1931-1976.”


Emanuel: He could not have possibly said that, had it carved onto his tombstone, and those clearly aren’t the dates of his birth and death. What are you talking about?


Biden: Stonewall Jackson. Fullback. 1966 Baltimore Colts.


Emanuel: I don’t think that man existed.

Biden: Who the hell am I thinking of?


Emanuel: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Your mind is a tortured thicket of madness.


Biden: Outstanding. Look, since you like the phrase so much, we can literally start printing up these t-shirts and start literally printing up money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Emanuel: I don’t think that’s such a good--


Biden: We’ll give the money to breast cancer research and the society of coarsely-ground corn manufacturers.


Emanuel: No, this is an awful…


Biden: I’ll get Barry, tell him the good news. We're doin' good work here, people! Flo!


Johnson: (from the azaleas) Help!


Biden: You call up and get me a estimate on printing costs. Rahm?


Emanuel: *sighing* Yeah…

Biden: Let’s do this thing. For charity.

Dirty, dirty, dirty

You know, I really thought we were done knocking George W. Bush. OK, that's a lie. I really thought we were done directly knocking the man on a personal level. Oh sure, we'd savage his policies, the consequences of those policies, and the members of the conservative established who were part of his administration and now won't go away, but we thought we were done with G-Dub himself.

Why? Because he's mostly done with politics, content just to earn money on the truck show and motivational speaker circuit. Plus he made himself part of a genuinely good thing; palling up with Bubba to raise money, awareness, and humanitarian aid for the people of Haiti. Oh sure, you could knock him for supporting the Aristide coup, which looks poor in hindsight. But it's not like that was what made building code regulation non-existent. Then... well, then he went and did this:



Yeah, he did just shake hands with a dirty poor person and then immediately wipe his hand off -- in that demonstratively unsubtle Bush way we all came to know and love -- on Bill Clinton. Clinton seems to have a slight reaction of "Did he just do what I think he just did? Did he just try to wipe a double dose of the black and the poor off of his hands?" Yeah Bill, he did.

George, we've heard you're an obsessive hand-sanitizing germophobe. But the next time... could you wait just a few seconds before you recoil in horror, your body contorts itself into an "Ewwwwww" posture, and you immediately try to cleanse yourself of dirty Haitian on the shirt of the nearest dignitary? Just hold it in, subsume your revulsion towards everything that surrounds you, and at the end of the day have the staffers prepare you a nice, hot bath of Purell.

Otherwise this sort of thing makes you look like... well, George W. Bush. But you ought to be used to that by now.

That health care bill

You know that health care bill? Yeah, you know, the one that is seemingly never going to get passed. The one that is simultaneously a strong people first approach to dealing with health care problems, a total corporate sellout to insurance and pharmaceutical interests, a progressive back-stab of epic proportions, an average timidly incremental bill that does little to seriously move this country's health care system forward, and also an unending dark veil of socialist misery that will enslave our children as it grinds up our elderly into a paste we will be forced to spread onto our sandwiches of government bread and cheese?

Yeah, well according to Kaiser Health News it's also almost completely indistinguishable from Senator John Chafee's (R-RI) GOP counter-proposal to Bill Clinton's failed 1993 health reform effort. One that, at the time, was considered an unacceptable right wing proposal and deal breaker by 1993 Democrats and is now considered the best plan ever by current Democrats; was considered the serious principled conservative solution to health care problems by 193 Republicans and is now considered a grandma liquidating Bolshevik plot by today's GOP.

Funny how that worked out. That is if you happen to find not getting decent health care reform passed in 1993 and 2010 funny.

The full Kaiser chart is after the jump.

Major Provisions	Senate Bill 2009	Sen. Chafee (R) Bill 1993	Rep. Boehner (R) Bill 2009
Require Individuals To Purchase Health Insurance (Includes Religious and/or Hardship Exemption)	Yes	Yes	No (individuals without coverage would be taxed)
Requires Employers To Offer Health Insurance To Employees	Yes (above 50 employees, must help pay for insurance costs to workers receiving tax credits for insurance)	Yes (but no requirement to contribute to premium cost)	No
Standard Benefits Package	Yes	Yes	No
Bans Denying Medical Coverage For Pre-existing Conditions	Yes	Yes	No (establishes high risk pools)
Establish State-based Exchanges/Purchasing Groups	Yes	Yes	No
Offers Subsidies For Low-Income People To Buy Insurance	Yes	Yes	No
Long Term Care Insurance	Yes (sets up a voluntary insurance plan)	Yes (sets standards for insurance)	No
Makes Efforts To Create More Efficient Health Care System	Yes	Yes	Yes
Medicaid Expansion	Yes	No	No
Reduces Growth In Medicare Spending	Yes	Yes	No
Medical Malpractice Reform	No	Yes	Yes
Controls High Cost Health Plans	Yes (taxes on plans over $8,500 for single coverage to $23,000 for family plan)	Yes (caps tax exemption for employer-sponsored plans)	No
Prohibits Insurance Company From Cancelling Coverage	Yes	Yes	Yes
Prohibits Insurers From Setting Lifetime Spending Caps	Yes	No	Yes
Equalize Tax Treatment For Insurance Of Self-Employed	No	Yes	No
Extends Coverage To Dependents	Yes (up to age 26)	No	Yes (up to age 25)
Cost	$871 billion over 10 years	No CBO estimate	$8 billion over 10 years
Impact On Deficit	Reduces by $132 billion over 10 years	No CBO estimate	Reduces by $68 billion over 10 years
Percentage Of Americans Covered	94% by 2019	92-94% by 2005	82% by 2019

Picture of the day

The handy work of a group of Wisconsin area businessmen. Sure, it might say "Impeach Obama", but they don't want you to get any crazy ideas about it. Like you thinking they want to impeach Obama.

“The company (that paid for the billboard) is supported by a number of area businessmen who are concerned about tax and spend politics. The billboard is not meant to allege any impeachable offense has been committed; It is simply an expression of frustration by my client that politics in Washington should change to better support small businesses,” Wroblewski said in a written statement.

They don't want to allege impeachable offenses, they just want him impeached. Somewhere Bill Clinton is eating a double bacon cheeseburger, nodding, and muttering "I've heard that before."

Still, the economy, socialism's effect on small business, and "tax and spend politics" can't be that bad if you can afford to run an "Impeach Obama" billboard for six months. C'mon, we all know what you really want to say. So just pony up the cash for the billboard that says "Our President is a blaaaaaaaaaaaaaack and we're afraid!!" and we'll let it slide. We'll be cool with it. It's much preferable to the multitude of rings and conspiracy theories we have to wade through to come to the same conclusion.

Maybe you should just give him a chance. Maybe he'll invent the candygram, pal around with Gene Wilder, and win you over with his comic antics as sheriff of this country. Otherwise, save your money. You'll need it when Obama swings around to finish off the rest of the small businesses he didn't get in the first go around.

Bubba hits the Hill

The big news in the health care fight today? Bubba is heading to the Hill to have a lunch with the Democratic Senate caucus in an attempt to rally support/knock heads over the fight to pass health care.

Senate Democrats today are huddling for their first weekly lunch since the House passed its version of the health care plan and they have a special guest with firsthand experience of what can happen when legislation fails.
...
Another source tells us that Clinton is attending the lunch at the request of Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel (who worked in Clinton White House) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

As of yet there's no confirmation of the rumor that Reid called up Clinton and said "You fuckin' talk to these people, 'cause they're fuckin' hopeless," but as part of the deal to get Bill in there the White House will be sending Hillary away on more foreign policy excursions.

No one is sure what exactly Bill is going to say to rally the Democrats. Hell, most of them are already rallied. It's the last couple of spineless holdouts that need to be coerced and I'm not sure a group lunch is going to do it. Still, Bill is probably going to remind everyone of his own fight for health care...in a not so subtle manner. He's then going to remind Democratic Senators how his bid to reform the system was derailed by Democrats. He's then going to look around the room, see that many of those same sons of bitches that screwed him in the nineties are still sitting there and he'll probably go apeshit.

Sources say he has an elaborate speech worked out about baseball and teamwork, which he will give while holding a Louisville Slugger he got signed by Albert Pujols. Then as the speech climaxes as he's talking about individuals not succeeding without the team succeeding and "hot-dog Senators playing by their own rules" he beats Joe Lieberman to death with the bat as the Ennio Morricone score blares. As everyone is horrified by the bloody scene and Rahm is ordering a dozen roses sent to Lieberman's widow, Bubba rushes Ben Nelson, puts a gun in his mouth and asks him if he's got any more bright ideas. He then puts the gun on the table, remarks that anyone wanting to oppose health care better use the gun on themselves, before tersely muttering something to Rahm about that being "the Arkansas way" and noting that it was easier dealing with Kim Jong-Il.

At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

Boris

It's such an unassuming, boring headline: Secret interviews add insight to Clinton presidency. You look at it and go "meh" because you already know what's in it: Clinton talking about the sex scandals, impeachment, blow-ups with Gore over the 2000 election, health care this, financial regulation that, "I could have done more". But you really need to go through it, otherwise you miss a slice of fried gold like this:

[Clinton] relayed how Boris Yeltsin's late-night drinking during a visit to Washington in 1995 nearly created an international incident. The Russian president was staying at Blair House, the government guest quarters. Late at night, Clinton told Branch, Secret Service agents found Yeltsin clad only in his underwear, standing alone on Pennsylvania Avenue and trying to hail a cab. He wanted a pizza, he told them, his words slurring.

The next night, Yeltsin eluded security forces again when he climbed down back stairs to the Blair House basement. A building guard took Yeltsin for a drunken intruder until Russian and U.S. agents arrived on the scene and rescued him.

He just wanted a pizza! Sure there's that whole "die for the President thing", but after reading that, did you ever want to be in the Secret Service more? This does raise some serious questions, and not just "Was Matt Taibbi underselling the drunkenness in his Rolling Stone obituary of Yeltsin?" What do you think the booze protocol for Boris was? Did they fly around with an oversized steamer trunk full of booze for him, did some poor staffer have to make a run each time they hit a new city, or was there a staffer trailing the Presidential motorcade in a pickup truck with the cargo bed filled with Vladimir and Banker's Club?

Pull Murray Waas and Sy Hersh off of whatever they're doing and tell them to find this out. We don't need some new depressing story on who Cheney was ordering to have killed or what CIA agent was outed, we need to know the elaborate procedures for getting Boris Yeltsin properly soused and how the Russian authorities, and foreign authorities, had to wrangle him while he was completely lit up. There have to be a million stories like this. We need to hear them.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.03

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Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.06

Unions To Take On Conservative Groups Health Care Town Halls
You know what's even better than teabaggers and other right wing groups trying to shut down health care town halls and harass lawmakers? Teamsters and trade unionists vowing to "directly engage" hooting conservatives. Directly engage with lead pipes or just brass knuckles? I can't wait for it. "Health care is socialism! Barack Hussein is a Muslim!", "Hey youze! I 'll show yinzs assholes socialism. Shuddafuckup!", then "Gangs of New York" style mob rioting. I think this is the part right here where I'm supposed to sing "God Bless America."

White House Affirms Deal on Drug Cost
Hey, it's the Democrats looking out for you once again on health care. Turns out earlier announcements that the pharmaceutical industry had made a deal with the White House to voluntarily make efforts to save $80 billion (which means there's much, much more than that to actually be saved) had a few unannounced conditions attached. Namely that Congress wouldn't attempt to get them to save one cent more or have government negotiate drug prices. Boy, this all sounds so promising for real health care reform.

Man Offers 40 Goats And 20 Cows For Chelsea Clinton's Hand In Marriage
This was the proposed dowry offered by a Kenyan man to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her only daughter. Secretary Clinton promised to relay the offer to Chelsea, but tried not to fill the man with to much hope. However Bill was more open to the idea, provided the animals came pre-butchered for storage in his meat freezer and the beef ribs were hickory smoked.

Robinson can’t recall anything quite this nuts. Like everyone else, we can
Gene Robinson claims he can't recall anything from the right wing as crazy as the Obama birth stuff. The Daily Howler obliges to refresh his memory and runs down a greatest hits of the things that we widely held lunatic beliefs against Bubba, Hill-Dawg, and our moon worm riding former VP. No one's accusing Barry of running murder/drug ring....yet.

Staten Island mom settles suit with Little League and coaches over knee injury
Reason #34528940A of why I hate this country. A woman just got $125,000 because she sued the little league after her precious booger eater tore up his knee because he slides into bases like a spaz. Enjoy the money, kid, I hope it makes up for the endless ridicule and abuse you'll suffer from every kid in your district who hears about this.

Paris' Dog House Is Damn Comfortable!!
Reason #34528940B of why I hate this country. Paris Hilton just built a $325,000 300 sq. ft. house....for her dogs. That's right, Paris Hilton has a dog house worth more than your house. And you still think there's a God.

Picture of the day

From Bill Clinton's hostage negotiations with a tiny husk of beef jerky in a tan onesie. Not only does he free two journalists but he fended off an attempt by Kim Jong-Il to take him hostage as well. Nice try Kim, but Bubba's too crafty for you North Koreans.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.04

Rewarding Bad Actors
Krugzilla on how we can't stop rewarding financial institutions who engage in actions that are demonstrably harmful to the economy and how even the inadequate measure being taken to slow these trends are being opposed. Not only are they profiting off the damage they cause, but then they also get to game the government for large sums of money. Doesn't the financial industry just warm your heart?

Transparent aluminium is 'new state of matter'
Finally, we're this much closer to cans of soda that we can see inside of. No longer will we have to wonder if a spider crawled inside, we will be able to know. Also, blah blah, nuclear fusion, blah blah, new state of matter, blah, planetary science breakthrough, blah. For those of you scoring at home this is yet another thing Star Trek geeks get to strut around and claim their show influenced. C'mon science, is it so fucking hard to create a lightsaber or a wookie?

23 arrested in drug raid at Church of Universal Love and Music
Who would have ever thought that an organization called the Church of Universal Love and Music would ever be busted for drugs? It's the "and Music" part, that's how you knew it's be a drug bust. If it was the "Church of Universal Love" you know it'd be a pedophile bust. Here's a tip for all you budding church creators out there: don't let your name tip off what criminal enterprise you're engaging in. Shouldn't you people have been out following Phish?

Orly Taitz Melts Down On MSNBC, Blames MSM "Brownshirts" (VIDEO)
Bear with me here, I'm about to blow your mind. Apparently the lead "Obama birther" Orly Taitz, doing a fresh round of media interviews because she's claiming to have found Obama's Kenyan birth certificate, is a deranged, unstable woman who doesn't understand basic US law, and doesn't respond well when challenged by facts.

Obama to Lunch with Senate Democrats. All of Them.
You see how badly the President wants health care passed? He's sitting down and spending time with Senate Democrats, on his birthday. Have you ever heard Arlen Specter slurp soup or watched Ben Nelson reach across Russ Feingold to double fist dinner rolls he then shoves into his gaping maw? It's a horrorshow. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to get health care moving. Even if that means pretending to tolerate 60 assholes while they sing "Happy Birthday" and bring out a cake the uncreative fuckers had shaped like the Presidential seal.

Clinton may return to U.S. with journalists Wednesday, South Korean report says
When you want something done, you send in the big dog. Months of negotiations for the release of two journalists with no results. Then you send over Bill, he meets with Kim Jong-Il, takes a ride down the waterslide, asks if Kim has grown since they last met, and boom: freed journalists. He's slick kids, he's slick.

Oh how I missed you sweet, sweet Republican crazy

You know the 2000's (aughts? zeros?) have been banner times for the Republican party. They've ruled almost fully for eight years and have transformed the country into a toxic wasteland where the corporations war with government over free money and the right to sodomize the peasants. But we've been missing the crazy. Sure when they were in power they called every Democrat a traitor or troop hater, but where was that nineties creativity? In the nineties Bill Clinton ran drug rings, murdered friends, raped everything that moved, and smuggled all the W keys off White House keyboards in a condom inside his ass. Rush Limbaugh, seeing the dearth of conspiracy theories, has strode in mightily to fill the void.

Who’s benefiting? Aside from the people being bailed out. The Democrat party and Barack Obama are benefiting.

They got elected, they increased their numbers in the House, they increased their numbers in the Senate, they got the White House now, and they’ve got a crisis that people think can only be fixed with the all-mighty and powerful government interceding to save this or to save that, when in fact, the government is going to nationalize the automobile industry. It’s going to nationalize some banks. It’s going to nationalize the mortgage industry, and may end up nationalizing the automobile industry. […]

So the Obama team and the Democrat party are benefiting tremendously from this, even if it has spun out of control. It’s spun out of control, but they’ll make due with a new crisis they created a la Rahm Emanuel. But the reason I think it has spun a little out of control and gone a little further than they intended is that even the Obama people are saying, “Hey, it’s going to be really bad for a really long time.”

That's right El Dildo Rushbo, the Democrats ruined the economy over a five month period after getting nothing passed in the House or Senate. At least he's on the right track, Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove were trying to peddle the economic crisis as a hoax perpetrated by the media. Silly Mayberry Machiavelli, the media is this country is dead. At least there's one man out there fighting to get out the truth. That this country is not in economic dire straights, and if it is its the result of Chuck Schumer calling a failing bank a failing bank, liberal conspiracies to elect Democrats, and not Republican fiscal policies. Get it straight.

God, talk radio is going to be so much fun the next few years.

These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Finale

Last night Bill Clinton spoke. I was shocked to hear he don't think much of John McCain, George Bush or his plans for America. So was the media, it seems. Apparently because Clinton was so mad his wife lost he might have gone up and not done what he was supposed to do and mumbled his way through a half-hearted speech. Not quite sure that deserved 5 hours of pre-speech runup speculation, but that's what you got. Then he came out, flashed the old Bubba charm, was booked and arrested for indecent exposure, then was allowed to come back out on the condition he wouldn't flash it again. Old ladies in the front row you see. He gave his speech and the media declared "Everything fixed again" and were now convinced that Bill Clinton and Obama are BFF and they're totally going to go on the road together, and go camping together, and tell spooky stories by the campfire.

John Kerry came back to give a speech and showed he had caught a terminal case of Al Gore disease. You know the one. The disease which makes you give speeches and demonstrate a personality that if it was shown for any length of time during the period in which they were the Democratic nominee for President, they would have won easy.

Then Joe Biden strode to the stage a mix of sound, fury, and minor speech flubs. He gave his rendition of "John McCain is an inept buffoon" in B# and really wailed on the "poor foreign policy choices" solo section.

Tonight, they're letting some Muslim guy speak. That could backfire. Also, they have moved to Mile High Stadium in an attempt to capture the magic of the Jay Cutler led Broncos. Expect whatever backdrop Obama speaks in front to be a sign of his celebrity arrogance. Dobson will flog his rain boner to the bleeding point, we'll see if it works. The Theme: Change You Can Believe In/Vote for this black guy/Hasn't the last 8 years sucked hard enough?

Pledge of Allegiance
Shawn Johnson
Michael Phelps and Nastia Liukin were busy and Usain Bolt is Jamaican. So Obama got America's favorite gold medal jailbait. What hasn't been released to the media is that she will deliver the pledge while trying to perform a complicated routine on the balance beam. If she fails to hit the twisting and flipping dismount "Liberty and Justice" is officially changed from 'for all' to 'some'. No pressure Shawn.

Remarks
Honorable Bill Ritter, Jr., Governor of Colorado
Yes, yes the convention was held in your state. For that he gets to moan on and on about mountains, skiing, secret bigfoots, and voting democratic. I doubt even the people of the state know who you are and your presence will only infuriate the people eating their stadium nachos and trying to flag the beer man while you drone on and on about about how you wrote all the good episodes of South Park. Keep it short.

Remarks
The Honorable Tim Kaine, Governor of Virginia
He'll try to appear to be totally cool with being passed over for Joe Biden, but you'll see the cracks start to form at about the 2:30 mark of his speech. One too many bearded college types and old black ladies welling up with pride will wave around those "Obama/Biden" signs before he just loses it and screams out "I could have given you Virginia! Why hast thou forsaken me?" before his complete emotional breakdown. Mark Warner will try to console him, but there's nothing he'll be able to do. Kaine's a shell of a man now. A shell. Virginia....is for lovers.

Remarks
The Honorable Al Gore
His power point slide presentation on why you should vote for Barack Obama is a thing of beauty. The shots of a melting, cracked, and breaking up John McCain really underscore the risks we run as a country by not addressing this crisis. There's also some fanwank about polar bears and lack of ice. Bonus: You get yo listen to your Republican friend snark about the 'Goreacle'. Why do you let him watch these things? Didn't you learn anything on night one?

Live Performance
Michael McDonald
Just wanted to put that out there. They've got will.i.am, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder, and something called the Yonder Mountain String Band Performance. McDonald is the guy they picked to go on last, to the delight of Paul Rudd. I wonder if he's going to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"? I wish I could bet on obvious shit like that. There's no way he plays "Yah Mo B There".

Video/Remarks
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA