WASHINGTON—Minutes ago the Department of Homeland Security and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that they feared a terrorist attack had resulted in mind altering gases or a virus being released at multiple sites around the United States, that they were taking the precaution of raising the alert level to orange, and were declaring a preliminary state of national emergency.
“It has come to our attention that terrorist groups may have dosed large sections of this country with some noxious, brain scrambling substance at some point around noon,” announced FBI Director Robert Mueller.
“As of now we’re uncertain of the exact means of attack but currently victims are exhibiting signs of low level euphoria and a nationalist interest in foreign frivolities. Be forewarned that if one of these poor souls walks up to you and asks if you ‘saw the soccer’ or can name more than three of the fancy types who play this game, you may be in a contaminated zone and should take shelter immediately.”
CDC Director Dr. Thomas Frieden added “While these reports are preliminary, we do have to admit that these widespread reports could refer to citizens of other countries showing excitement over soccer, which is normal. Those exhibiting symptoms may in fact be Dutch, we repeat, may be Dutch. We advise American to take extreme precautions -face masks and the like- in the event that this is a viral outbreak and the soccer virus has started to spread from immigrants to the white, indigenous US population.”
For now the government advises that people stay inside and inoculate themselves with televised baseball games and NFL off-season training camp reports.
“We’re on the precipice of something large taking hold here,” Mueller advised. “After years of fighting this foreign footballing menace off, we are in extreme danger of taking an interest in a sport America isn't ready to dominate in. Not on my watch.”
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