DIY Counterterrorism

So you're mad that in the nearly nine years since 9/11, no one has seemingly taken an interest in hunting down Bin Laden. Obviously there's only one solution: find a gap in your work schedule at the construction yard, focus the religious fervor you've built up over the years, and head over to wander the Pakistan border with night vision goggles and a katana. Obviously.

An American armed with a pistol and a 40-inch (102-centimeter) sword was detained in northern Pakistan and told investigators he was on a solo mission to kill Osama bin Laden, a police officer said Tuesday.

The man, identified as 52-year-old Californian construction worker Gary Brooks Faulkner, said he wanted to cross over into the nearby Afghan province of Nuristan because he had "heard bin Laden was living there", according to officer Mumtaz Ahmad Khan.
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"We initially laughed when he told us that he wanted to kill Osama bin Laden," said Khan. But he said when officers seized the pistol, the sword, a dagger and night-vision equipment, "our suspicion grew.
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"When asked why he thought he had a chance of tracing bin Laden, Faulkner replied, "God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him," said Khan.

If there's anyone who could track down the most wanted man in the world, it's a middle-aged Californian fork and spoon operator who has a notion about where he heard Bin Laden was.

Haven't you ever been on a job site? You spend your coffee break whistling at the tits of any woman who walks by, bitch about the local sports team, then some guy pipes up and says "I hear that Osama asshole -the guy what done 9/11- is living on the Pakistani/Afghan border in Chitral", and you figure that because Randy, the Rand-dog, knows bricklaying so well, he must know the whereabouts of Bin Laden. So you buy the katana and the goggles and book a trip to the Peshawar province on a mission from God to revenge behead OBL. You know how it is.

Because if there's one thing we know it's that the man trying to hide from the world's intelligence agencies would obviously hide in the area that is populated by civilization, Western tourists and hikers, and is regarded as "relatively safe for foreigners". But, then again, if you're on a mission from God and you go where Yahweh tells you.

So we'd just like to congratulate Mr. Faulkner for putting up seemingly more effort to find Osama than our own government has. Hell, you ex out the religious craziness and the fact that he was immediately outwitted and detained by Pakistani police, this could have been a terrible Bruce Willis movie. One can only hope Bruno read this article and is calling his agent as we speak. Summer 2012.