Wednesday, June 16, 2010

God is to blame

Indignant Bible thumper and fierce advocate for "the family" and "family values" Mark Souder (R-IN) was caught a few weeks back carrying on affairs with someone who was not his wife or the Lord. He resigned. It was a tremendous shock to everyone. I mean a moralizing blowhard being hoisted on his own petard and being revealed as a gross hypocrite? Hardly ever happens. Especially not to right wing religious fundamentalists. Actually, it was kind of shocking that he wasn't a closeted gay guy like about 90% of the others.

Not content to slink off in shame and not embarrass himself in public any further, Souder decided he needed to let everyone have another go around and mocking him.
"I prayed multiple times a day, sang hymns with emotion and tears, felt each time that it wouldn't happen again, read the Bible every morning. . . . So how in the world did I have a 'torrid' (which is an accurate word) many-year affair?"
Is it because you seemingly expected an invisible bearded man in the sky to get up off his golden throne, teleport down to earth, and zip your pants up for you? That you sang songs about Hos-an-na in the high-est instead of focusing on not fucking another person or dealing with emotional or marital problems you were having? That you never realized that prayer is easily defeated by bare breasts?

No, clearly God is to blame here. He failed to stop you after you clearly said His magic words and sang His magic songs. Maybe He did hear your cries, it's just that in the immortal words of Frank Zappa: Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk. Maybe you were confusing Yahweh by yelling "Oh God! Oh God!" during the various affairs.

Anyway, He clearly let you down, Mark. Expect a handwritten apology letter to appear in a torilla in Juarez sometime over the summer.

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