Monday, June 14, 2010

Pat on relationships

When I have relationship troubles I know the one man who's advice I would seek first is a mentally addled octogenarian with a penchant for making deeply offense statements in the wake of disasters purportedly while speaking for God. Yes, Pat Robertson.

I mean look at how long he's had a relationship with God. Since at least as long as Pat saw it would make him money and bestow him power. And he's been able to keep it together long after you would have thought God would have broken it off for all the crazy stuff Pat does and says on behalf of the Lord. Look at how long Robertson had a relationship with a dictator currently on trial for war crimes. Pat was able to overlook massive human rights abuses and murders to keep the relationship going and keep the flow of gold and money open.

The man knows relationships. So that's why you'd call up and ask him to help with yours.
CO-HOST: Pat, this is from Anne who says, “My husband has always been a flirt and loves to talk with other women he finds attractive. He says he would never cheat on me but his actions are starting to get to me. What should I do?”

ROBERTSON: Anne, first thing is you need to make yourself as attractive as possible and don’t hassle him about it.
But you need to not drive him away or start hassling and hounding on him, but make yourself as beautiful as you can, as fun as you can, and say let’s go out here, let’s go there, let’s go to the other thing.
Shocker: He blamed the wife for the husband straying. I know what you're thinking "Isn't that deeply chauvinistic and sexist to assume the woman is at fault and obviously not sexing it up enough?" I say to you: only to someone who hasn't read the Bible. I present to you the parable of Jesus and the Dowdy Housewife.
Dowdy Housewife: Jeshua, I fear my husband eyes women who he is not married to.

Jeezy Creezy: Yea, this is because you need to whore it up a bit. As I said to the Thessalonians "Marriage is only a sacred contract as long as the wife stays hot and keeps the man interested sexually. Thine husband can do no wrong."

Ugly Woman who is lucky to be married: What should I do to keep his eyes from straying.

Diamond J: Have you considered a robe that's tighter on your ass? Maybe stick your tits out a bit more? And invest in the wonders of our lead based make-ups.

Woman who deserves to be cheated on: Oh thank you Lord, I will stick my tits out more and maybe I would nag him as much.

Jeebus: Yea, women are also interminable nags. Go forth and keep your opinions to yourself as well. Men don't like that either. I am the way and the light.
I think you can see Pat was giving her the right advice. It was either this woman's fault or... the gays? I'm sure the gays were to blame somehow. Can't spell patriarchy without "Pat". Keep it classy. Tell those bitches they're always in the wrong.

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