Above: A test run of the new TSA policy at New York's JFK AirportARLINGTON--In the wake of the narrowly averted Christmas Day terrorist attack on a Detroit-bound flight, the Transportation Security Administration announced today a planned overhaul of its airport screening procedures.
The revised regulations call for all passengers to be sorted by race, gender, age, and clothing type before being pawed at by an employee possessing whatever paraphilia, or sexual fetish, corresponds roughly with the ticket holder's appearance.
Gale D. Rossides, acting TSA Administrator, cited as inspiration a recent court case in Britain, wherein civil liberties groups argued that the full-body scanners present in many major airports essentially constituted a strip search of each passenger, including children.
"We have been paying close attention to British security procedures and legal challenges and believe that our method will be more effective," said Rossides. "Without spending hundreds of millions of dollars on new technology that fails half the time, the American people get peace of mind while a perverse coterie of fetishists, many of them on parole, will be able to find gainful employment in a harsh economic climate."
As of this writing, the American Journal of Psychiatry has identified 547 distinct sexual fetishes, ranging from the mundane (Sthenolagnia, or a love of muscles) to the more creative (Maiesiophilia, or attraction to pregnant women), to the sincerely fucked up (Ursusagalmatophilia, or a desire to have intercourse with teddy bears).
Continued Rossides, "Granted, the task before us is daunting. While America obviously has no shortage of Symphorophiliacs (witnessing or staging disasters), how many Macrophiliacs (domination by giant women or men) do we have walking around? Two, three?"
In an effort to quickly identify and assign pervert to post, the TSA has requisitioned not only criminal records from all 50 states, but also the rolodexes of John Waters, Roman Polanski, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, and anyone who has ever supervised the Congressional Page Program.
"We need to find a lot of specific freaks, so who better to go to than Hollywood and the GOP?" asked Janet Abasio, the HR director for the TSA who will be heading up the search. "Right now we definitely have the resources to thoroughly check every Asian woman in this country several thousand times over. But what about Polish men with unibrows or one-legged Lithuanian sadists? Areas such as these are where we will be focusing our efforts."
Furthermore, the TSA announced they were giving special hiring preference to any self-identified masochist who wished to work in any job that an airport has to offer. In the job listing posted simultaneously to USAJobs and BondageNet, the TSA describes airport employment as "degradation unlike anyone has known before" and notes that it has positions for both submissives and dominants who specialize in letting any tiny bit of authority go to their heads.
When asked if allowing a subset of perverts to grope passengers as they attempt to enter an airport was really something Americans should have to endure, Abasio seemed dismissive.
"Look, is it the ideal situation? No," she admitted. "But I think this country is used to sacrificing personal freedoms in order to feel more secure."
"Plus," Rossides added. "When was the last time government implemented a security program that made you feel sexy? Not only are you going to be searched by people who find you to be unbelievably desirable, but most of these perverts will actually achieve sexual gratification from confirming you are not smuggling a bomb or weapon on your person. It's not as though this is the first time Americans will be taking it up the ass for a little security."
She then blurted out "That reminds me..." before reminding her assistant to place an ad for people that specialize in "taking it in the ass" for a consult on rectal PETN bomb smuggling, thought to be the next type of attack al Qaeda's will attempt.
The agency hopes to have the program up and running by the beginning of the summer travel season and advises that you dress a little more sexily the next time you visit the airport, to "make it a little bit more fun."
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