Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Broken News: Ayla Brown Dating Political Blogger

CHESTNUT HILL, MA--Multiple sources have confirmed that Ayla Brown, elder daughter of Massachusetts Senator-elect Scott Brown, is dating infamous internet personality Sean of TheseBastards.

Brown, 21, first came to mild prominence in 2006 as a contestant on American Idol. She had flown under the cultural radar ever since, but with her father's election and acceptance speech pimping of his daughter as "definitely available" last week, Ms. Brown has once again been thrust into the public eye.

Indeed, Google image searches for "Ayla Brown nude" and "Ayla Brown upskirt" have increased tenfold over the last week. This is reportedly how Mr. Sean came across his new romantic interest, sometime between 1:30 and 4:00 AM last Friday night/Saturday morning after having repaired to his small Brooklyn apartment to cry and masturbate, using his own tears as lubricant.

"It was love at first sight," said a friend of Brown's, who claims to have overheard multiple conversations wherein the Boston College student said she had been "swept off her feet" by the co-creator of The Internet's Only Political Commentary and Fake News Blog.

According to this source, who has never actually met Brown in person but sits behind her in class all the time, the affair began when Sean posted several nude pictures of himself to Brown's Facebook page late one night. Soon thereafter, he traveled to Chestnut Hill, where after a few "misunderstandings" with Boston College campus police, including three accidental macings and one deliberate tasering, his intentions were made plain.

"Once they saw I was functionally immune to pepper spray, the taser shocks were stimulating me sexually, and that I wasn't going to ever stop roaming the wooded area outside of her dorm, they knew I wasn't there for some flash in the pan, tabloid romance, paparazzi coverage," the lovestruck blogger mused.

The couple has since been on several dates, including afternoons spent matinee hopping at the local multiplex, followed by romantic dinners at their favorite restaurant, Arby's, after which they "totally did it," according to Sean, who had the Beef 'n Cheddar with a side of curly fries.

"They're such a modern pair," said the source. "Sean is so secure in his masculinity that he doesn't object to Ayla paying the bill, fronting him rent money, or talking down a group of South Boston bar patrons he drunkenly called 'dickless meathead fucks'."

"What can I say?" said Sean when asked to address this budding romance. "When you get a shot at some strange who was not only on American Idol but the daughter a Republican who will be jobless in a couple of years, you have to take it."

While the romance hasn't been without its rough patches, namely Brown's failure to reimburse the expenses Sean incurred on chloroform and nylon rope that, as yet, remain unused, the couple remains happy.

"$90 goddamn dollars," Sean was heard to sigh. "Well, at least it's probably safe to put the spare tire back in the trunk."

"Truuuuuuuuue loooooooooove," he began to sing.

But despite the whirlwind nature of their courtship and pending engagement, these young lovers are doing their best to keep level heads.

"Monogamy is really strange," admitted Sean. "Like when you know their name and shit?"

The couple is also requesting that the media respect their privacy, although Sean was quick to note that everyone "should feel free to stop by TheseBastards for up-to-the-minute news on all things romantic-like."

The Brown family did not return multiple requests for comment on this article.

The Arby's in question is under investigation for numerous health code violations.

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