New rules

Today has come the announcement that the Obama Administration will, just for the hell of it, decide to propose some new limits on the size and risks taken by banks. I don't know, that sounds dangerous. Isn't it the fundamental capitalist right of banks to be so goddamn large and complex that even the slightest mistake could send our economy into the toilet and everyone into the breadlines? In any event, in conjunction with the These Bastards junior news gathering arm, the Wall Street Journal, we have endeavored to uncover some of the new proposals that will be... proposed.

• deter banks from becoming so large they put the broader economy at risk and prevent banks from becoming so large they distort normal competitive forces
• place restrictions on the proprietary trading done by commercial banks by limiting the way banks bet with their own capital
• place "firewalls" between different divisions of financial companies to ensure banks don't indirectly subsidize "speculative" trading through other subsidiaries that hold federally insured deposits
• perhaps keep banks out of the business of running hedge funds, investing in real estate or private equity
• seek to return the "spirit of Glass Steagall," meant to limit large banks from becoming too big and complex that create enormous risk
• no CEO of a financial company is allowed to refer to Tim Geithner as "bitch", "bitch boy", "our little bitch", "bitch tits", "that goofy fuck who does everything we want", "Bitchothy Bitchner", "get us our money, bitch", or any other phrase that uses the word "bitch"
• no CEO is allowed to tell a Treasury or Fed official to "get their fuckin' shinebox" unless said official actually has a shinebox
• at the next meeting between the Obama Administration and financial leaders, Paul Volcker gets to "cold cock a random motherfucker in the face, just for the hell of it"
• all bankers and Wall Street employees have to sign a pledge to conduct themselves as rational humans and not like rabid, money hungry lunatics at an Atlantic City craps table
• Goldman-Sachs employees may order gold plated Bugatti Veyron's, but are only allowed to drive them on their sprawling estates and private highways
• All major banks must chip in to hire a distinguished actor who pretend to be the head of a bank and will stand in front of the media and humbly apologize for the economic and financial crises. We'll say he's the CEO of Ameribank.... yeah, that sounds like a real bank. I think they'll buy that.
• they must swear, legally swear, to never do this again, no crossed fingers
• attempts must be made to not so egregiously and obviously buy Senators and House members
• more toaster giveaways for opening new accounts
• do something that shuts Arianna Huffington up about that goddamn "move your money" campaign. Christ that's annoying
• fuck the fuck off and make sure we don't hear a goddamn economic peep out of your bank holes for the next fuckin' decade
  

So those are just some of the proposals that Obama and Paul Volcker hope to get passed. I'm sure the Senate and House will get right on that and Republicans will be eager to help.

As an aside, a fuckload of Bothans were harmed to get this information. So to help out text either "BOTHAN" to 990999 or "GUNDARK" to 550555 in order to donate $10 to the Red Cross Bothan Relief efforts.