Speechishness

Tonight is the State of the Union. And what is the state of the union? Not good. In fact, rumor has it that the White House is going to be layering 4-5 thermal undergarments on the President in order to try to give Barry enough body warmth to counteract the involuntary cold shiver he has any time anyone mentions America's prospects for the future. What will this speech be notable for? Not pushing back the premiere of Lost, for which a grateful nation thanks him. Other than that, it'll just be essentially a wish list of things that will inevitably have to pass through the childish, incompetent, and incapable hands of the US Congress.

So as Americans huddle around storefronts who can still afford the expense of leaving the TV's in it's front display case on, or huddle around barrel fires as some former banker whose Verizon service hasn't been turned off offers SOTU updates from various Twitter feeds, here are some of the things they'll here. Surprisingly, no Bothans were harmed to bring you this information.

• Apologies, apologies, apologies. Barry will admit missteps in some misguided attempt to shock the American people at the sheer sight of a man taking responsibility for his failures.
• Re-jumpstart his agenda. That agenda? Getting his agenda fucked up by the Senate. I think it'll be a good year on that front.
• Focus on the economy. Mention jobs a lot. Roll the dice and call for Congress to act on the economy in the hopes that random chance will produce a bill that rates better than 'mildly retarded.'
• Try not to mention the incongruity behind calling for all these new programs and actions with the fact that he is also calling for an economically harmful spending freeze.
• Try to soften the blow of administration economists who analogize the future of the economy as "like the plane crash on Lost, except that all the survivors of the wreck are eaten by strange monsters this go around."
• Open with a 30 second free-for-all period where southern lawmakers can yell out anything from "You lie!", to "Socialism!", "Tea Party!", and "Nee-gruhs in mah squash patch!".
• Ask the lawmakers that are completely owned by financial giants and banks if it's OK for them to maybe, possibly move forward on meaningful reforms.
• Ask "pretty please" when they say no.
• Announce a continuing investment into "the terminally failed populace that is our nation's children, with their furrowed brows, their poor math skills, and their ugly faces and manner of dress."
• Place a large bottle of whiskey on top of the lectern, unscrew it slowly, take a swig out of it, mutter "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck", and continue.
• Barely conceal his contempt for the circumstances he was handed and the Congress he was given to fix those problems.
• Ask if anyone could possibly drive Joe Biden up to a fundraiser in New York, noting that the VP is "Willing to go halfsies on gas."
• "Seriously. Health care. Finish it. Fuuuuuuuuuuck."
• Announce exactly how much money he has decided to take from the Treasury to use to bet on the Super Bowl, along with the team he's backing and the point spread. Ask for suggestions from the House on any prop bets he should make.
• Sarcastically point out the Supreme Court and thank them for letting more corporate money into elections. "Real good job guys," the President will mockingly say while golf clapping slowly.
• Smash the now empty whiskey bottle on the floor and yell "I'm out."

Sounds eventful. It's not like anything else will be on.