Broken In Brief: Recovering celebrity brings relevance to minor border dispute

LOS ANGELES--Mason Tannen, the star of such films as Love Had to Happen, Some Days it Rains, and Look, a Fucking Baby!, has brought international attention to an otherwise overlooked border war in the Polog region of the Republic of Macedonia.

The 22 year-old starlet, fresh out of her third stint at post Malibu rehabilitation center Promises, read of the crisis while seeking to extricate herself from the grip of nicotine, Valium, alcohol, hashish, Vicodin, marijuana, crystal meth, cocaine, and Jenkem that had threatened her young and promising career.

Reading from a prepared statement, Tannen said, "When I read about the tragedies taking place in this forgotten region, I knew that I could use my celebrity to shed light on the gross injustices being perpetrated against a sadly oppressed ethnic minority and its beasts of burden."

The dispute in question, which has its epicenter in Macedonia's border with Albania, concerns grazing rights for donkeys stabled in the village of Totevo. To date, no fatalities have been recorded, although one villager was reported to have contracted a case of The Vapors after a heated bilingual exchange with his Albanian counterpart on the northern bank of a small, nameless stream that acts as the official border.

In light of Tannen's campaign, the U.N. and World Food Program have promised close to $100 million in aid. International peacekeeping forces will begin airlifting food, donkey-proof fences, and medical supplies later this week.

A spokesman for the U.N. noted that he hoped no one in the region planned on brandishing a pointed stick in a donkey dispute or in any way attempted to engage in a business deal with Israel before the aid got there, noting that both such maneuvers would inexorably drive the U.N. Security Council into a series of parliamentary procedures and vetoes that would prevent help from arriving. The spokesman then noted that this minor argument was "the only level of dispute the U.N. can functionally manage."

Representatives for Ms. Tannen would not comment on whether the actress plans to make a trip to the region but hoped this would buy her enough credibility to greenlight Look, Two Fucking Babies! and avoid community service.