Broken News: Some bitch just got told and shit

THE SUBURBS—Shocking news and shit from the mall as sources close to some motherfuckers who saw it all go down say that some bitch definitely got told raw dog style in front of a whole bunch of fuckin’ people.

These motherfuckers say that this bitch was actin’ all high and mighty and shit to this other bitch so this second bitch was all like, “Oh no you didn’t” and totally told that first bitch what the fuck was fuckin’ what. Early reports have people saying it was totally off the fuckin’ hook and shit and it was like the greatest fuckin’ thing they ever seen in their whole fuckin’ lives.

“Yeah so this one bitch was getting’ all up in everyone’s face talkin’ about ‘how they ain’t shit’ and shit,” says Erica Patterson, a nosy sophomore bitch from the West River High… YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN’T SHIT!

“So this other bitch is all like ‘Nuh-uh, you trashy ass bitch. You the one who ain’t shit!’ And then this second bitch told this other bitch just who was runnin’ this shit. It was the illest shit I ever saw go down in front of a mall food court Sbarro’s. Needless to say there was motherfuckin’ pepperoni and red hot pepper flakes all over these bitches after the shit went down.”

All in all it was some awesome ass shit for people to fuckin’ see while they were trying to chow down before they went over to the fuckin’ Hot Topic to get their asses a fuckin’ Team Jacob shirt. Y’heard?

But some whining ass motherfuckers think this shit ain’t fuckin’ cool and they want to piss and moan and bitch like some bitches about this shit. Fuck ‘em and their motherfuckin’ doctorates. Fuckin' letters after their name and shit.

“This is just part of an alarming trend we’re seeing all over the the suburban outskirts of this city as estimates predict that, by the end of the year, nearly 65% of bitches will have been told,” observed some smarty art motherfucker named Dr. Garret Yates from a college or university or some shit.

“In fact we’re not only seeing more bitches getting told, but a rise in motherfuckers getting told, shit going down, shit getting real, shit blowing up, and all manner of shit getting off the chain. If early estimates and projections are accurate, nearly one fourth of all mall, movie theater, bar, and chain restaurant visitors will have witnessed shit going down, with nearly one third of those suffering collateral damage from some bitch, skank, motherfucker, or group of motherfuckers getting told.”

But this egghead fuck with his numbers and calculators and computrons with the numbers that he loves so much he oughtta fuckin’ marry them, isn’t the only complaining bitch that doesn’t think this shit is amazing.

“Yo, check this,” said bitch ass bitch Tony Garibaldi, this senior motherfucker from my high school who thinks his shit don’t stink. “It’s getting’ so you a man can’t take his girl out to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks Squeakquel or out to rent Meet the Spartans without a high chance of shit gettin’ real. God fuckin’ forbid you try to go out for a nice meal at TGI Friday’s and get some Jack Daniels Chicken Bacon Ranch Poppers without some bitch comin’ up and tellin’ your girl about how you tried to bang her after the Sadie Hawkins dance.”

“Fuck man, people just need to chill the fuck out,” this bitch moaned.

While some think shit needs to stop gettin’ so damn real while others believe there needs to be “less lame white high school motherfuckers everywhere ruining shit for everyone else”, none are disputing how fucking cool it was when that trick-ass bitch got told.

“No man,” backtracked that bitch Dr. Yates. “I totally heard that bitch needed to be told. That shit was completely… ill? Is that the word I’m looking for? I just think we need to distinguish from when a bitch really needs to be told, as was evidently the case here, and whether all bitches everywhere need to be constantly told, which seems to be the case now. It’s a question of restraint and proper resource distribution.”

Whatever. Sources still report that shit was off the hook and that bitch reportedly still can’t believe she got told.