Broken In Brief: Goldman to add opulence stipulations to bonuses

NEW YORK--As they carefully weigh the impact of impending bonuses on public opinion, the nation's investment banks are considering policies that would restrict the opulence of what may goods and services may be purchased by bonus money.

As the New York Times reported today, Goldman-Sachs is pondering a program that would require a certain percentage of all bonuses go to charity. However, anticipating a substantial public backlash in the wake of a government bailout last year, sources say the firm is willing to go much further.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they put dozens of riders on the bonus checks," said a source close to the discussion, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of murderous reprisal by the banking giant.

"I've been privy to discussions of policies that would limit bonus-related spending on mistresses, private school tuition, country club dues, gold-plated coke straws, fourth and fifth homes, and ammunition used exclusively to hunt homeless people for sport," said the source.

The current financial climate has already forced Goldman to advise a move from their current bonus stipulation of "spend like God" to "spend like a non-Christian God". This come after the company had already retreated from the turn-of-the-century policy of "spend like God's rich boss". Initial estimates have the scale being ratcheted down even further to "spend like a 1920's robber baron" or "spend like a foppish, 17th century English duke" in an attempt to show some measure of humility.

While Goldman is not expected to announce the bonuses, nor any regulations applied to them, until later this month, rumors are also circulating that the firm will curtail bonus expenditures on wine cellar expansion, 24 karat water fixtures or toilets, Kobe Specials, adolescent boy torture dens, and yachts christened 'Stimulus Bitch'."