Broken News: TMZ abandons overcrowded gossip market to cover real news

HOLLYWOOD—Worlds collided earlier today as the rumor-mongering gossip engine of modern media, TMZ, announced that it would be abandoning its corner of the celebrity news world in order to pursue new avenues in the field of actual journalism. The unholy brainchild of AOL and Warner Bros., which has taken great pride and revenue in directing internet-based media down a shamelessly pathetic path, hopes to re-brand itself as the go-to source for news on the world, politics, the economy, foreign policy, and other such serious journalistic pursuits

“I am sad to announce that we are abandoning the gossip based infotainment sector of the news that we so heartily and successfully pioneered,” announced TMZ managing editor Harvey Levin. “But in this harsh media environment and with the moribund future for the print industry we feel we need to shift gears to stay afloat and viable in the news landscape.”

“Frankly, too many supposed hard news organizations are horning in on our shit” he sighed, anger flashing across his red face.

Slamming his fist on the podium Levin yelled “Well, enough is enough. They want to abandon real news to cover celebrity nonsense? Well, we’ll just go cover Ben Bernanke’s confirmation hearing, Taliban influence in the Kunduz province, and the Copenhagen climate conference. See how they like it.”

Sources close to Levin and TMZ management say that they have been under increasing pressure to make up the increasing drops in revenue that have been occurring with more frequency as formerly legitimate news organizations abandoned traditional journalistic fields for dumpster diving and catty rumor spreading.

Some, including Columbia Professor of Journalism and Media Studies, Dr. William Banks, see opportunities in the field of hard news now that for former mainstream media establishment has ceded the ground.

“There used to be a time when you’d come to us when you wanted to know exactly how many bar skanks Tiger Woods was plowing, how long A-Rod had been plowing Kate Hudson, whether Brad Pitt was still plowing Angelina Jolie or if he had gone back to plowing Jennifer Aniston, and who was too fat to be allowed on TV and in movies.”

Banks continued, “Now you just flip on the network news, 24 hour news, the New York Times, the Washington Post, or wherever. Hell, I just read the Wall Street Journal editorial board writing about Courtney Love losing custody of her kid. I think there’s a real opportunity for TMZ to fill in the areas that traditional media has abandoned.”

“By which I mean all areas that don’t have to do with horse race politics and petty electoral gamesmanship,” Banks clarified.

For now, the response from traditional media outlets has been one of smug triumphalism, with CBS noting that they were content to know that Katie Couric would have to deal with less crowding and elbows while rummaging through Lindsay Lohan’s trash. ABC announced that they were happy that there would be less competition for Barbara Walters to do softball, hazy lensed interviews with the most famous hooker or mistress of the moment.

“This is just the MSM catering to the whims of the American people,” observed Oliver Tilden, media analyst for E’s Lookit! Famous Boobies! program. “The public has decided that the real world is too horrible and depressing to deal with and instead they’d rather focus on seeing celebrities brought down to their level. If TMZ thinks they can woo America with competent reporting on issues that affect their lives, then they’re just sadly mistaken.”

Tilden coldly added, “Just ask the Rocky Mountain News, Tucson Citizen, Kentucky Post, King County Journal, Union City Register-Tribune, Halifax Daily News, Albuquerque Tribune, South Idaho Press, San Juan Star, Capital Times, the Detroit Free Press, Christian Science Monitor, East Valley Tribune, Ann Arbor News, Flint Journal, Bay City Times, Saginaw News, the Hudson Register-Star, the Cincinnati Post, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the Baltimore Examiner, and, after next month, the LA Times if covering real news is a good idea.”

TMZ will reportedly ease into hard news coverage, first starting with details on who Tim Geithner is plowing, Taliban weight loss tips, and State Department gossip from six-party talks with North Korea, before hopefully moving into a fully legitimate news operation in the 1st quarter of next year.

Broken In Brief: Gossip journalist spends 2 hours each morning convincing herself her work is important

NEW YORK—In an altogether unsurprising revelation, gossip reporter Mary Haren, a “journalist” with Us Weekly, has revealed that most mornings it takes her nearly two hours of psychological motivation about the importance and necessity of her job before she can muster the self esteem required to even go to her office.

“Those are the days when I can even look at myself in the mirror,” she said, suppressing the urge to harm herself. “I just think, what’s the point? Do I exist only to create fake relationships between two celebrities who happened to be photographed together and force teenage starlets into bouts of depression garnished with eating disorders? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if Us Weekly, People, Perez Hilton, Access Hollywood, OK!, The E! Channel, Star, the paparazzi, and about 70 other magazine staffs and TV shows were flown into space and then jettisoned out an airlock?”

“But then I think about how much I deserve to be famous and how that despite rave reviews from my parents for that high school play I was in, Hollywood still conspired to lock me out of the acting career I so richly deserved. Then I get angry and I’m able to do my job,” Haren finished, having sufficiently summoned the requisite self-delusion and bitter spite she needs to continue on with her shallow, insubstantial existence.

But Haren contends that despite a morning spent creating a news piece whereupon she derides female celebrities that are five pounds overweight by celebrity standards, but 40 pounds underweight my medical standards as ”fat”, that she still has a functioning human soul.

“I mean I have to agonize over it in the morning, right? That means I’m still recognizable as a member of the human race. At least that’s what I tell myself when I get home.”