Broken In Brief: Obama offers up population surge to win hearts, minds in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON—Of the myriad reactions reverberating throughout the political world following President Obama’s Afghan War speech last evening, most are centered around the plan to immediately send an additional 30,000 troops to the region. But seemingly missing from this debate is any sort of reaction to the second tier of Obama’s new strategy, one in which upwards of 30 million Americans are permanently relocated to Afghanistan in an effort to conjure a more accommodating indigenous population.

The program, dubbed the Two Birds Project, would seek to alleviate two main problems facing the Obama Administration: first, the hostility of an Afghan population wary of more foreign soldiers and increased violence, and second, the double-digit American unemployment rate.

"Frankly it’s a win-win,” observed Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “By flooding and doubling the Afghan population with American citizens, we will finally have popular support of a people that is welcoming to American interests. Plus, knocking 30 million off the jobless rolls will help America’s economic situation. Hell, considering most of those people can no longer afford health care, this program will drastically decrease the number of uninsured in the country to boot.”

Added Gates, “I fail to see how this could go wrong.”

For those that feel the culture shock would be too great in moving from America to Afghanistan, architects of the policy note that most of the unemployed come from the more economically and industrially shattered areas of the Midwest and, as such, will hardly notice the difference between Afghanistan’s sparsely populated areas, underdeveloped industry, poverty, and religious extremism from the types with which they are already familiar.

On a more psychological level, these "Amerafghanians" will no longer be forced to endure the horrendous torment of seeing vacant mills or shuttered factories dotting the landscape, as seeing as Afghanistan has virtually no manufacturing or industrial capacity in the first place.

As an added relocation bonus, those helpless individuals who have turned to drugs are bound to appreciate their newfound proximity to the world’s foremost narcotics pipeline, able to partake in that fresh-off-the-poppy heroin traditionally available only to the most affluent westerners.

Barring any complications, America hopes to have fobbed off 30 million of its dregs onto Afghanistan by the end of the 1st quarter next year.