Broken In Brief: Mad scientist’s assault delayed in laser vision snafu

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Noted evil genius and mad scientist, Dr. Baldur Ond, announced today that he was postponing his assault on the city of San Francisco by the newly constructed “Unholy Army of Mechanical Death Behemoths” due to a mix-up in the manufacturing process.

“I know this kind of hurts my credibility, not to mention the level of fear my UAMDB might inflict on an unwitting and vulnerable populace,” Dr. Ond explained in a videoconference from The Horror Mantle, his recently (mostly) completed lair located somewhere in the Pacific Rim. “But I’m reluctant to put my name on the type of substandard version of mass-death and destruction that this mistake would have brought about.“

“Rest assured that the responsible parties and their families are being boiled in acid as we speak. My new engineers tell me that we’ll have the parts swapped out and the mechanized hordes ready to go in no time. In any event, this gives the city of San Francisco and the State of California some extra time to pay we the $30 billion I demanded. Otherwise, well, you pretty much know how this goes by now. Also, while I've got you on the line, you might want to get a message to Oakland about chipping in. I'm not so sure we’ll discriminate about ‘sides of the bay’ or ‘city limits’,” he said before x-ing his arms over his chest and finishing with “End communication.”

Sources within the R&D Department of Ond’s Science Gestapo were able to reveal that the mistake came when a shipping error resulted in the eyes of the cyborg army being outfitted with laser pointers instead of laser death rays. While some thought the laser pointers could be used as a targeting system for guns, Dr. Ond refused to equip the bots with firearms, calling them “crude instruments, lacking the personal touch for which Ond brand operations are known.” He strongly felt that the laser death vision, combined with more hand-to-hand oriented 7600 PSI metal gripping/crushing claw and retractable buzzsaw gave the robots the “retro chic” feel he was going for.

Sources close to the doctor say the hope is to have all the units replaced and San Francisco turned into a “burning hellstorm of pain and mid-sixties retro-cool robot destruction” within two weeks.