Photo excerpt from the new book, picturing Mr. Rodriguez checking his tongue for any needle marksNEW YORK—With a tumultuous off-season that included the release of a book rife with credible allegations of steroid use, as well as a hip injury requiring surgery and the continuing scorn of the sporting public, Alex Rodriguez is preparing for the media circus to begin anew.
A new book by Selena Roberts, entitled Back For Seconds: I Found Another Corner of A-Rod’s Life That Wasn’t Completely Tarnished Yet, is set to unveil that in the months since the steroid and performance-enhancing drug story went public, A-Rod has taken up a regimen of HGH injected straight into his tongue and prefrontal cortex in an attempt to improve his ability to lie.
Sources close to Mr. Rodriguez feel that the 12-time All-Star and all-time total douchebag, felled by a series of poor interviews and press releases leading to his eventual admittance of having used steroids, thought that his ability to get away with years of steroid use scot-free had been hampered by his poor ability to brazenly lie to fans, reporters, and interviewers all at the same time.
Those same sources state that since the book revealing his steroid use had been released A-Rod has been on an intensive HGH cycle combined with supervised lying exercises to improve his ability to hide a litany of dark secrets, terrible truths and embarrassing anecdotes.
“I would just like to take this opportunity to categorically deny these new allegations,” said Scott Boras, agent of the 3 time AL MVP and perennial fuckwad, during a conference call this morning. “Any and all improvement my client has seen in his ability to lie has come about through hard work and dedication. The man is a world-class athlete and his commitment to living in utter fantasy should not be questioned in any way. He has worked very hard at rigidly repeating the same falsehoods over and over and I shudder to think of people trusting scurrilous accusations about tongue steroids over this man’s commitment to complete mental discipline in the service of dishonesty.”
But baseball statisticians are quick to point out that since A-Rod was rumored to have started his HGH fueled schedule of deceit his lying stats have skyrocketed. Whereas before when no one would believe his declarations that he tried in the postseason, knew the names of his teammates, and had never used steroids, people haven’t been able to stop themselves from believing his recent proclamations that he was sorry he took the steroids, it was a onetime thing, that he was in fact in possession of a discernible human soul, that he had not known the carnal touch of Madonna’s ancient, leathery hide, and that there was more to him than the image of a self-absorbed narcissist who only played baseball for an overwhelming love of money and fame.
Further complicating matters for the rotten shit is that current MLB regulations do not treat illegal drugs taken for improvement of baseball skills any differently than illegal drugs taken for personal reasons, as Manny Ramirez’s recent 50-game suspension for simply trying to stimulate the egg production of his withered uterus clearly shows.
If there is one silver lining for the man millions simply know as A-Roid, it’s that Major League Baseball currently has no comprehensive test to detect HGH. In fact MLB Commissioner Bud Selig already intimated that there was little he could do.
“Unless the players union agrees to more comprehensive testing, my hands are tied,” said Mr. Selig, while taking questions at the league offices in New York. “Besides, I already had a nice conversation with the young man over the phone this morning. He wanted to assure me that not only were these allegations untrue, but that I was also a ‘great, handsome, and virile man’, whose wrath he would be 'foolish to incur’. I think we ended in a good place and I’m glad he called to clear things up. Next question?”
When the assembled press pointed out that Mr. Selig’s looks were “a cruel joke on the human form” and that his haircut resembled that of a dead possum that had been Flowbee’d and placed upon his skull, Selig paused, the realization slowly creeping across his face. “That dirty motherfucker,” he was heard to mutter as he left the room.
For their part, fans have promised to be outraged at this new revelation until Rodriguez hits a few towering home runs in the late innings of one-sided games. From then on, they will return to hating him solely for sports related reasons, only bringing up the steroids in an attempt to inflict mental harm and shame on Yankees fans who have long since stopped caring about anything other than winning.
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