Broken In Brief: Mad scientist’s assault delayed in laser vision snafu

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Noted evil genius and mad scientist, Dr. Baldur Ond, announced today that he was postponing his assault on the city of San Francisco by the newly constructed “Unholy Army of Mechanical Death Behemoths” due to a mix-up in the manufacturing process.

“I know this kind of hurts my credibility, not to mention the level of fear my UAMDB might inflict on an unwitting and vulnerable populace,” Dr. Ond explained in a videoconference from The Horror Mantle, his recently (mostly) completed lair located somewhere in the Pacific Rim. “But I’m reluctant to put my name on the type of substandard version of mass-death and destruction that this mistake would have brought about.“

“Rest assured that the responsible parties and their families are being boiled in acid as we speak. My new engineers tell me that we’ll have the parts swapped out and the mechanized hordes ready to go in no time. In any event, this gives the city of San Francisco and the State of California some extra time to pay we the $30 billion I demanded. Otherwise, well, you pretty much know how this goes by now. Also, while I've got you on the line, you might want to get a message to Oakland about chipping in. I'm not so sure we’ll discriminate about ‘sides of the bay’ or ‘city limits’,” he said before x-ing his arms over his chest and finishing with “End communication.”

Sources within the R&D Department of Ond’s Science Gestapo were able to reveal that the mistake came when a shipping error resulted in the eyes of the cyborg army being outfitted with laser pointers instead of laser death rays. While some thought the laser pointers could be used as a targeting system for guns, Dr. Ond refused to equip the bots with firearms, calling them “crude instruments, lacking the personal touch for which Ond brand operations are known.” He strongly felt that the laser death vision, combined with more hand-to-hand oriented 7600 PSI metal gripping/crushing claw and retractable buzzsaw gave the robots the “retro chic” feel he was going for.

Sources close to the doctor say the hope is to have all the units replaced and San Francisco turned into a “burning hellstorm of pain and mid-sixties retro-cool robot destruction” within two weeks.

Broken News: Construction delays opening of evil genius' lair

1973 file photo of the reclusive Dr. Ond

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION– Following months of setbacks, Norwegian madman and super scientist, Dr. Baldur Ond, has again moved back the opening date of his island fortress, breaking his vow to bathe the Pacific rim in a “storm of hellfire and death” before year's end.

Ond began construction on his secret island base, dubbed The Horror Mantle, nearly a decade ago by terraforming the island and enslaving its native population. While the early earth moving and indiscriminate island species extermination went flawlessly, recent hikes in fuel prices and anti-terror measures combined to create crippling delays in the supply chain.

“Have you ever priced out the freight on the amount of concrete and steel required for even a low level island base?” said Project Manager Jens Olafson, who took over in July after the previous manager was beaten to death with hot pokers and strung up on some scaffolding to boost productivity. “It’s astronomical, even before taking into account the costs of the materials themselves.”

The Horror Mantle was conceived as the new standard in world-class terror facilities. In addition to an intimidating stainless steel office/quarters for Dr. Ond, the plans called for lodging and mess facilities for henchmen, a training and welcome center for new recruits, a foundry and manufacturing wing for building and housing robot armies, a top level R&D center for devising the next generation of terror weapons, an air wing, harbor, and staging area for various raids and attacks. Compounding the problems inherent in such a large-scale development was the secrecy required. Added Olafson, "We couldn't work with anyone for more than six months before they started asking too many questions and had to be liquidated. And don't even get me started on the fucking unions.”

In an attempt to speed production after multiple delays, cutbacks were necessary. A mountain with a hydraulic opening at the top for space-based missions was axed and architect Frank Gehry was dropped from the design team when his plans were deemed too costly and he proved too hard to kill. The development of Ond's submarine fleet was pushed back to Phase Two, after the opening of the island, when funds are expected to be more abundant.

“A multi-functional base is critical to any evil genius’ plans,” said John Franklin, author of ‘Mutants, Madmen, and Misunderstood Genius: a History of Terror’ and amateur terrorist himself. “You can’t contract out a raid on Singapore or have Mitsubishi build you a freeze ray. Well, not anymore, thank you very much, United Nations. A proper base has to be self sustaining, autonomous, well defended, and hidden. You must have total freedom to concoct and execute schemes so cunningly destructive that the civilized world soils itself at the mere mention of your name.”

Undoubtedly the most surprising aspect of these delays is that they arose under the watchful eye of the notoriously meticulous Ond, known to be a stickler for schedules and timekeeping. Born to expatriated Nazi scientists in Trondheim, Norway in 1963, Ond was drilled from birth in military precision and organization, and is rumored to have severed his own umbilical cord. Ond spent his formative years studying world military history and, after several failed attempts, successfully implanting a frog-eagle hybrid of his own creation with a computer brain. A preternatural ability in physics and a prodigious intellect led him to early admission at Sorbonne when he was just thirteen years of age. His theories on acoustic reverberation and structural integrity, combined with dispassionate logic and a taste for the insane saw him gain the attention of super villain Orbnauticus.

After a mistimed detonation during the 1978 Louvre heist cost him the hearing in one ear, Ond he struck out on his own, wisely investing his cut from the theft and quickly amassing a fortune through shrewd financial planning and several microwave technology patents. Then, in 1986, Ond announced himself to the world in a daring multi-city terror campaign which saw the destruction of 5 of the 7 largest financial centers in the world and the kidnapping and ransoming of elite covert operatives from various espionage centers.

The ransom money from those intelligence operatives, who were brutally murdered shortly after the transactions were completed, as well as the financial positioning he took to maximize the profit from the chaos of the world financial markets was used to fund another plan: the construction of a giant mining robot to loot the diamond pits scattered across Africa. It was after this final heist that he announced his plans to build a sanctuary of evil from which he would launch his evil schemes and bend the world to his will.

“Those were heady times,” remarked Henchman X28A93B, Scullion Class, Dionysus Project. “We really thought that we were on to grand designs. I'm starting to think we've plateaued, though. We’re living in tents on a cleared portion of beach. The rebar is barely setup in the Hench-quarters and we’re hearing that the concrete and steel girders got delayed again ‘cause some nosy secretary who knew too much slept with some secret agent and everyone involved on that end had to be terminated while this pseudo-Bond wanna-be got pressed through a fine mesh screen. Tropical paradise loses its luster after a while. How are we supposed to practice our kung-fu and paramilitary maneuvers? Sand isn’t conducive to precision fight work. Let me tell you, I’m really disa--” and with that, a buzzer went off on his collar, which injected a mixture of cobra venom and zylene directly into his jugular.

“I’m not saying its all perfect,” continued Olafson, as X28’s body was hauled out of the room and thrown into an incinerator. “I mean we have to deal with all these contractors who are trying to tell us about handrails, properly marked pits, and safety regulations. I try and tell ‘em that the slaves are expendable and we’ll let HR worry about replacing them, but they drone on and one about building codes and regulations.”

He continued “Then when you do get a room finished, the Doctor talks about adding a trapdoor, and suddenly you’ve got to reroute all the pipes underneath so you can fit the chute. Then the Radar Defense Station has to be moved because that’s where the acid pit needs to be now. And have you ever tried to install a fireplace in a rotating wall? It’s a logistical nightmare. But still, I think we’ll be finished up by the 2nd fiscal quarter of next year at the latest.”

Olafson’s thinking seems to be in line with Dr. Ond, who released a statement earlier affirming that no matter how long it took he would not rest until he ruled the world with an iron fist, that the extra months just gave him more time to conceive of new and exotic horrors. He believes that, given a little good luck, his Terror-bots would be napalming schools and government buildings by springtime and that his long-planned sonic transducer would successfully render 75% of cities along the Pacific Rim uninhabitable and the survivors deaf and/or insane.

The world’s leaders have vowed to stop him, if only they could find the island.