Broken News: Scientists reveal waterboarded terrorists have evolved into marine creatures

MIAMI—Waves of relief rippled through the ranks of former Bush administration officials today as the Red Cross, in tandem with head scientists at the National Marine Research Center, announced that as a result of near-constant waterboarding at the hands of American military personnel, high-level terrorism suspects have evolved into amphibian-like creatures capable of extracting oxygen from water in order to survive.

This stunning revelation essentially brings to a halt any planned prosecutions of former Bush administration officials for violation of international law, skirting the provisions of the Geneva Conventions, or a fundamental disregard for basic human dignity. For while waterboarding constitutes simulated drowning for a normal human, the practice as applied to a marine mammal is, in fact, a life-saving technique.

Underscoring this revelation was a joint announcement by Oceana and the World Wildlife Fund that confirmed both organizations have nominated George W. Bush, as well as several key members of his administration's inner circle, for humanitarian awards on the basis that their actions, in effect, served to protect the health and well-being of what is now technically an endangered marine species.

Other veterans of the Bush administration were quick to showcase their pleasure with the statement. A euphoric John Yoo, former Justice Department official and author of several pro-anti-human dignity arguments, was seen rolling around the front yard of his suburban Philadelphia home, exultantly singing "no consequences for me" over and over.

However, some elected officials did not take this revelation quite so well. A slouched and disheveled Senator Patrick Leahy was spotted wandering the streets of DC with a near-empty plastic bottle of Vladimir vodka in one hand and a loaded, newly legal handgun in the other. Congressman Henry Waxman broke into tears during a Capitol Rotunda presser, offering girlish screams of "How do they keep getting away with this?" in between anguished, unintelligible wails fired in the general direction of the Jefferson Memorial.

Unlike previous "evidence"-based commentary on the part of the Bush administration, today's news was met warmly by the scientific community.

"We would just like to thank the Bush administration for providing the necessary conditions to facilitate short-term evolutionary processes," said NMRC Director Dr. Harry Cole during a press briefing. "As it turns out, the political body responsible for economically and ideologically thwarting scientific advancement at every turn has, through its insistent demonization of olive skin, not to mention its public disdain for any and all non-Evangelical interpretations of Christian myth, inadvertently pushed the boundaries of science much further than those of us bound by moral and ethical restraint ever could have hoped. Darwin would be proud... provided he was not made aware of the conditions under which the evidence was obtained."

After his formal statement, Dr. Cole moved on to a brief PowerPoint demonstration aimed at explaining the unintentionally epic evolutionary steps taken by the prisoners. Gesturing toward a picture of an emaciated, dark-skinned male strapped to a table whose face was obscured by a damp towel, Cole cheered, "As you can see here, oxygen deprivation, coupled with persistent inundation of water eventually led to the development of what we are calling, for lack of a better description, gills."

Holding a laser pointer in one hand and his penis in the other, Cole continued, "Here we can see the development of what seem to be flippers. Also, in this next slide of Abu Zubaydah and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you can see the emergence of what appears to be a dorsal fin."

Added Cole, "Oh, and here you see Khalid getting a yummy fishy after he did his hoop trick during our observatory tour at the Miami facility. Isn't he just wonderful?"

As for naming the new species, scientists at the NMRC have announced that they are open to suggestions, but for the moment are going with "Man-atees", with a heavy inflection on the first syllable, to be followed with a look that begs onlookers to acknowledge the cleverness of the moniker.

The Defense Department announced that, for the time being, these meta-terrorists will be held in a tank at the University of Miami Sciences department until a suitable Jihadists of the Deep marine display can be built for them at the Orlando SeaWorld. This plan has already come under fire from hard-line conservatives, chief amongst them former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney decried this presumably soft stance on marine mammalian terrorism. Bleeding from both his ears and eyes, Cheney claimed, "You can't house these mer-terrorists with normal fish,” as he scattered inquisitive children from the front lawn of his Wyoming estate. Waving a gas-powered weedwhacker in the air, the former Vice President exclaimed, “They’ll congregate with the other fish, organizing them into autonomous schools with a decentralized leadership. Sea War is coming! Sea War I! I’ve been warning about it for years. I say we lay these mer-scum on a plank and run sand over their gills in order to divine their plans. There can’t possibly be a law forbidding that, can there?”

SeaWorld hopes to have a transfer plan with the Justice Department and the exhibit finished by late November.