Broken In Brief: Area dog and nature abhor vacuums

PITTSBURGH—The Carnegie Science Center's “Teachers From the Community” series got off to a poor start today as local steamfitter and amateur scientist Tommy Sabatowski of Blawnox crashed the event and proceeded to horrify assembled children as he interrupted a demonstration on helium with a bizarre display involving his vacuum cleaner and his 3 year old Rottweiler mix, Potsie.

“Yinz guys are all jagoffs,” Sabatowski was heard to yell as he was escorted off the premises by science center security. “Yinz say you’re all about science, but when I try to give a little display about Aristotle’s precept and the history of thermodynamics, suddenly I’m the asshole,” he said, clearly confusing the concept of the absence of matter with the Bissel PowerClean XL upright he was waving around.

“Look,” he said, shoving a vacuum at the face of the terrified dog as onlookers stopped by to watch the unfortunate scene unfold in the nearby parking lot. “He’s fuckin’ terrified of it. He won’t go near the vacuum. Just like nature. Yinz Carnegie assholes can get fucked, ‘cause this is scientifically valid, n'at.”

After Mr. Sabatowski was removed, order was quickly restored inside the science center. Children were calmed, pet hair was cleaned up, and learning was allowed to continue. Eyewitnesses claim that Sabatowski stated his intention to purchase a case of Yuengling and “perform a demonstration on the kinetic theory of liquid displacement in the parking lot of Mellon Arena.” As he peeled out of the lot and sped down the street, Sabatowski was seen to roll down his window, “woo” very loudly, and scream “Let’s go Pens!”