Cheap Blogging Crutch 5.5

An invention that could change the internet for ever
Everyone is getting excited about a new search engine, Wolfram Prime, that is THE MOST IMPORTANT NEW THING EVER and is totally going to kill Google dead, just like all the other search engines that have killed Google. What can this one do? Work things out "on the fly", whatever that means, and is "curated" by experts. The strike against it: it's totally useless when dealing with pop culture, ensuring no one will use it. It's probably also terrible at finding porn. It's going to be unveiled later this month and will have failed by the following month.

Court sends Janet Jackson case back for review
Want to know why this country is hopeless? We're still litigating the national horror that was Janet Jackson's exposed titty at the 2004 Super Bowl. The dispute over nipple based FCC fines for nine-sixteenths of one second has reached the Supreme Court...which sent it back down to the federal appeals. Dred Scott was decided in less time. Though honestly, I do hope to eventually read Scalia's scholarly legal reasoning on nipples, nipple rings, and the musical stylings of one Justin Timberlake. I'm sure it'll be hilarious.

Joe The Plumber Slurs Gay People: I Would Never Let "Queers" Near My Children
The man keeps on giving. In one paragraph he moves from explaining why "queer" isn't a slur, it's OK for him to use the word "queer", that the first example of racism he can think of is black people calling white people "honky", his God and Constitution based belief in "no homos" getting up in his marriage, and then finished with his declaration that he totally has gay friends and that they knew and were cool with the fact that Joe wouldn't let them near his children because he assumed all gays are pederasts. Joe, this is God speaking: Run for office.

Art historians claim Van Gogh's ear 'cut off by Gauguin'
Art's most famous self mutilation may not have been a disturbing act of "love" towards a prostitute. It was probably just the result of a drunken sword fight in front of a brothel between Vincent Van Gogh and a syphilitic Paul Gauguin that they then attempted to cover up for some reason. You learn something new every day. I learned that art history is waaay more interesting than I had originally thought. Way more drunks, syphilis, and whore fueled swordfights than normal history.

Warren Ellis: Column 02
Warren Ellis has important news for you in his new Wired UK column: the US government has developed a robot that can and will eat anything and everything for fuel. It is dubbed EATR and will be our doom. Though he has identified a new growth business sector and a new apocalypse to fear: Anti-carnivorous-robot security for the impending Robochompocalypse.