MMS Chicks Drill Best! WOOOO!

I should have been a Republican.

WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to debate expansion of drilling in taxpayer-owned coastal waters, the Interior Department agency that collects oil and gas royalties has been caught up in a wide-ranging ethics scandal — including allegations of financial self-dealing, accepting gifts from energy companies, cocaine use and sexual misconduct.

In three reports delivered to Congress on Wednesday, the department’s inspector general, Earl E. Devaney, found wrongdoing by a dozen current and former employees of the Minerals Management Service, which collects about $10 billion in royalties annually and is one of the government’s largest sources of revenue other than taxes.

“A culture of ethical failure” besets the agency, Mr. Devaney wrote in a cover memo.

The reports portray a dysfunctional organization that has been riddled with conflicts of interest, unprofessional behavior and a free-for-all atmosphere for much of the Bush administration’s watch.

Maybe there's still time. Maybe if I start to really like money? And people with money? What if I marginalize women? Love guns? Fear minorities? Loathe collectivism? Ignore science? Join the Atlas Society? Back domestic spying? Gain weight? Ritualistically vote against my own economic interests? Gut the public school system? Play golf? No?

This is going to take some Jesusing, isn't it? Fuck. Impass. Listen, you seem like decent demons, and you know I love to party, but I just don't see the whole "Jesus" thing happening. I mean, I'll back the thinly veiled slide into Plutocracy, the nature-hating and the geopolitical dick-waving and the wars and all that other shit. But please, no Yehoshua. Come on, I'm from Pittsburgh. We have a thing about zombies.

No? Really? Fine. Fuck you guys. Just for that, I've posted more of the aforementioned Mr. Devaney's cover letter below the fold.

Excerpts from the Interior Department inspector general's cover letter and reports on the Minerals Management Service's royalty-in-kind program:

"Sexual relationships with prohibited sources cannot, by definition, be arms-length."

"Our investigation revealed a relatively small group of individuals wholly lacking in acceptance of or adherence to government ethical standards."

"During the course of our investigation, we learned that some RIK employees frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relations with oil and gas company representatives."

"Other witnesses we interviewed stated that RIK employees 'partied' frequently with oil and gas industry representatives and that these two RIK marketers were commonly referred to by industry representatives as the 'MMS Chicks.'"

"For instance one e-mail from Shell Pipeline Company representative to RIK employee ... regarding attending 'tailgating festivities' at a Houston Texans game, stated, 'You're invited ... have you and the girls meet at my place at 6 a.m. for bubble baths and final prep. Just kidding.'"

Maybe Shell boy's next bubble bath will take place in piss-yellow sink inside a 4 x 8 cell, with his new friend, Three-Piece, wielding the sponge like a cudgel.