NEW YORK—Eager anticipation gave way to the instinct to kill today as Midtown crowds surged through security barricades in an effort to obtain Some New Thing, the portable device capable of accomplishing things that aims to revolutionize the way people do stuff.
Approximately 200 city police officers and 50 private security personnel were overrun seconds after trucks carrying Some New Thing appeared on 5th Avenue to deliver the sacred product.
“We thought 200 would be more than sufficient,” explained a visibly shocked Mayor Bloomberg, whose company, Bloomberg L.P., had enjoyed a marked increase in ratings shares and web traffic during the run-up to the product’s launch. “They were like animals. Initial reports – and I remind you that this is only our first glimpse – put the number of dead at 12, with at least 140 injured. We are calling on the industry to learn to space out these releases of life-altering electronic devices. There are actual crimes in this city that need to be adressed. It's not all about guarding soulless yuppies and social outcasts in pup tents outside a Radio Shack as they rip sheaths of flesh from non-believers to wrap around their gadget as protective casing. Not anymore.”
The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 127.4 points to close at 11293.9 on news that the rampant consumerism, groupthink and abject fear of un-hipness behind the product’s popularity had surpassed even the most optimistic projections. This figure might well have been higher had so many traders not left the floor to go out and get their hands on Some New Thing.
“I can’t believe I actually got one!” exclaimed investment banker Carla Figueroa, who had waited on line outside a local retailer for six days in anticipation of the product’s release. When asked whether Some New Thing was worth sleeping outdoors on concrete, Figueroa bubbled, “Absolutely. I mean, sure, I smell like broiled yak ass, got peed on by the same homeless man twice, and will never get these pepper spray stains out of my Prada bag, but just wait until I whip this bitch out at work tomorrow! If I still have a job, of course. I'm not sure you get to miss days and days of work to go get a gadget. Whatever. Even if I am fired, I'll just sneeringly wave this in their faces and go back to stripping.”
Tucker Wallstone, the Brand Analyst whose team is responsible for the methodology behind Some New Thing’s promotional campaign, was understandably pleased with the results. “I think what you see here is a brand at ease with itself. Our initial research indicated that, while Some New Thing had plenty of traction with the gadget-humping technophile market, it was lacking a certain, what we in the industry refer to as, ‘Tube-Fed Desirability’.” A smug Wallstone elaborated, “That’s a statistically valid technical term with which we evaluate how beneficial it is to inundate consumers with the product’s image and life-altering properties while not actually investing any R&D money to improve the product itself.”
All signs point to the strategy working, as Some New Thing was officially declared out-of-stock at all retail outlets a mere seven seconds after its launch. This, in spite of the fact that not a single consumer, company representative, or journalist has been able to explain exactly what it is Some New Thing does.
“It’s the future of functionality,” chirped Chaz Palmetti, a tech blogger at End Gadget. “Years ahead of its time, the Some New Thing will totally usher in a landmark era of usability and utility while retaining the sensibility that has brought its visionary creator to the zenith of ity-ness…ness. It looks good. And I've been told that it is good. You think I want to be the guy to rain on everyone's parade? Pappa's got bills to pay and widgets to buy. Pull Jesus off the wall and hang Some New Thing instead. Just keep clicking refresh for all the new information we'll be breaking about the Some New Thing.”
With sales already above 19 million units domestically, Dirk Masterson, chairman and CEO of Random Shit, Inc., declared Some New Thing a resounding success. According to a press release, the company is, “very pleased with the initial figures and is glad to see so many people eagerly paying for the privilege of paying for something that will give them the privelege of paying for a service." Masterson later added, via satellite phone, "Just wait 'til we come out with the different colored versions. Black AND white! It's a racket. Fuck it, I'm going to go bathe in money.”
Not all shoppers were as lucky as the aforementioned Ms. Figueroa. “I can’t believe those people,” said James T. McCarren, a corporate litigator, as he was being loaded into a waiting ambulance. “I didn’t get one, and I think I lost a testicle. I knew I should have brought mace, a mace, and my battle gear. I failed to heed the lessons of the ipod nano rush and am now half the man I was before this... brilliant device was invented. My girlfriend is going to be really pissed. She is so going to screw that Tucker guy in her accounting department.”
Tucker could not be reached for comment, as he was balls-deep in Mr. McCarren’s girlfriend at the time, his Some New Thing resting on the bedside table.
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