INTARWEBS--Surprise did not rock the Series of Tubes today as These Bastards creators, Sean and Matthew, neglected to publish the second of two standard weekly "Broken News" pieces. The self-styled satirists, whose body of work to this point consists almost solely of half-informed, snarky political commentary and "God-did-what?" humor, expressed mild disappointment at the realization before promptly going back to whatever it is they do when not tossing bombs.
Asked how he's been busying himself while not writing and editing These Bastards' twice-per-week rip-offs of The Onion's satirical news wire pieces, Sean lifted his head from his forearm and said, "Well, I've... I had this thing and... I was in the middle... um... drinking. I've been drinking. Okay? Go to hell!"
Phone calls to Matthew's home were not immediately returned. It was rumored that the angrier and decidedly more prolific of the two was busy drowning kittens in a bucket with the GOP logo stenciled on the side in an attempt to ward off evil spirits.
Later, his doctors released a statement they claimed he had written in a non-ink based fluid. "This week has been too taxing. There's too many topics and easy targets popping up out of this race and some of it's coming too easy. Half of this stuff you don't even need to write a joke for. Your eyes just roll back in your head and you black out before your hand even gets near the whiskey bottle. When you wake up an hour later, there's a thousand-word piece on why John McCain is a scumbag staring back at you from the screen. Then you have to go sit down and actually think up satire and all you can do is go back to the Jesus Well."
When pressed for more insight into his creative lull, Matthew confessed, "Frankly, we both thought the world would cease to exist once the Large Hadron Collider switched on, so we really didn't prepare any material in advance. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of people to apologize to... I burned some serious bridges on Tuesday. Fuck it, I'm cranking out that 'St. Paul opens a sub shop' piece. Git offa muh lawn!"
Asked what might be on tap for the future, Sean mused between belts, "Fuck if I know. Truth is, this is kind of a 'do it the night before' operation. Perhaps we'll go 'meta'. You know, pieces about us writing pieces, or not writing pieces, or pieces about us writing pieces about writing or not writing pieces, or... I dunno, maybe a three-parter on the relevance of Dialectical Materialism in modern America. Shit, so long as it's the sort of masturbatory self-wank that both Matthew and I like to engage in from time to time, I'm sold."
In the meantime, the six daily readers of These Bastards wait with baited breath-- "And... AND!" Sean interrupted, suddenly on his feet and pointing an empty bottle at the room. "You know what the motherfuck else? Maybe we should explore this rhetorical space a little more with the 'Matt' and 'Sean' characters, eh? Take them beyond the slow witted, left-wing troglodytes they appear to be on the blog. We've built up strong God and Jesus characters along with the world they inhabit, right? Maybe now we need to go to work on the man-children. Perhaps they can... meet... Jesus? Blue fuck, I've got nothing... (prolonged weeping). This site has been one big mistake! I should have never listened to those schoolchildren who dared me to start a blog."
Attempts to console Sean after his latest and most brutal alcohol-fueled breakdown were meant with wild swings and repeated wails of, "I just want Josh Marshall to give me a hug!"
All further attempts to contact the two were met with either inebriated sobbing or scattered shotgun blasts from the peephole of a dilapidated tin shack. A final statement issued by the duo's press secretary claimed that both had been temporarily incapacitated by the sheer idiocy of the week's mooseburger/ lipstick/ islamofascisterror political discourse, declared it all "beyond satire," and elected to sit this one out, as well as that any claims by this author to the contrary were both erroneous and legally actionable. Further updates will be provided as they are released.
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